tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46922868561563462092024-02-08T03:52:14.841-08:00dash of strong gingerWelcome to a dash of strong ginger. I am following my decision to choose to forgive and my attempt to begin running again simultaneously - and if you know me, you know that neither of these will be easy!! My goal is to post daily and let you know my progress. Thanks for logging on!! Happy trails.....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-35481499998223072622013-06-16T17:41:00.000-07:002013-06-16T17:41:27.759-07:00Ginger or May Ann?????I think you can tell alot about both guys and girls when you ask this...
<br /> "Who would you want to date - Ginger or Mary Ann?"
<br /> "Who would you rather be - Ginger or Mary Ann?"
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<br />I have noticed that girls who wanted to be Ginger were kind of high maintenance. I don't mean this is a bad way - just an observation. She was a movie star, remember? And she wore that sequined gown all the time.
<br />
<br />And the boys who want to date Ginger
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<br />I never wanted to be Ginger. I was always Mary Ann. Just saying.... dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-62924657711005318912011-07-20T08:53:00.000-07:002011-07-20T09:07:31.206-07:00The summer of the better me....I have been working out with a vengeance!! The Better U Challenge is going strong and I am trying to become a better Ginger!! I am eating better and I am working out almost every day. I am also attending Overeater's Anonymous and working the 12 steps. This has proven to be quite enlightening.<br /><br />It is hard to realize that I have played a rather large part in some of the bad things that have happened to me. By working through Step 4, I have determined that I started the ball rolling in many cases with regard to bad events. I can be my own worst enemy. <br /><br />It is nice to be in a group of people, though, who understand where I am coming from. They, too, are working through their own stuff and are supportive. I am so grateful that I found this opportunity. I am so thankful as well for the friend who invited me.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-61570323418267679152011-03-23T09:49:00.000-07:002011-03-25T10:57:52.494-07:00Augh! I forgot about this....I had forgotten about how sore I get when I start running. Ok, so the other stuff that HAD been hurting isn't hurting anymore, but now my muscles are SO sore. I know it will end but for now, it's killing me. I feel like I look about 100 yrs old getting in and out of my car. <br /><br />But today I feel much better. I ran and rode my bike. I have decided to ride in the Tour de Cure with some friends. I am going to ride the 32 mile course. And I am going to raise $150 for diabetes. Ain't I special????<br /><br />The weirdest thing happened yesterday at Wal-Mart. I was pulling my car around in front of the doors and this little old lady stepped out from behind the pole. She was using oxygen and pulling the little oxygen canister behind her. Because she was standing behind the pole, I didn't see her and I stopped the car quickly. OK - I had to slam on the brakes. She shot me the bird!!! Can you believe that? THEN, she walked right out in front of the car, stopped and shot me the bird AGAIN!! I couldn't believe it. <br /><br />It made me wonder...is that what I would have been like if I hadn't come back to Jesus? Because I was certainly that way in another life. Way back in the 80's and early 90's, that was me. It made me pray for her instead of running her over with the car. OK, that's not the only reason I wasn't going to run her over...there were ALOT of witnesses.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-90481494620758766092011-03-22T14:08:00.000-07:002011-03-22T15:43:09.198-07:00This can't be what works...Well, boy have I missed you!! Things have been so crazy and I don't even know where to begin. I do know this...I have discovered that I have a hard time writing when things aren't going well. I think it is because I figure that unless I have something great, inspiring, funny or I don't know, world-changing to say, there's no reason to write. And, I have had a difficult time putting one foot in front of the other, much less have anything interesting to say.<br /><br />When we returned from Florida, WAYYYYY back in November, my job was killing me. I was working at least 10 hours a day and every time I planned to run or work out, something came up and I never made myself a priority. So, I decided to leave the daycare. I had some misguided idea that I would sell insurance. Now that you have stopped laughing - let me explain. I thought that I would use my personality to make money. That kind of sounded prostitution, didn't it? And, it kind of was. I only lasted a week. I felt like a failure. During all of this, I never asked God what He thought. I did kind of run it past Him, but I didn't ask His opinion or permission. So, He stepped in. Because like a bad two year old, left to my own devices, I WILL hurt myself.<br /><br />It was my third day selling insurance when I realized that I couldn't do this. It was a Wednesday, and by God's hand, I began talking to Patti at church about the pastoral care ministry. One thing led to another, and in the course of a couple of days, I had quit the insurance business and was preparing to work on becoming a licensed counselor in Missouri. <br /><br />I truly believe that this is what God has always intended for me to do. Way back when I graduated from Evangel, I had a job lined up at the Greene County Jail working with inmates and I loved that work. The state cut funding, I lost my job, right when it started, and then I believe for the following 9.5 years, I had a temper tantrum. A really BIG temper tantrum!! God didn't let me do what I thought I wanted, so I'm not going to do anything at all. So, I continued to take jobs teaching preschool, which I loved, but I don't think that was REALLY where God wanted me and I didn't really care. <br /><br />In addition to all of that - I was in alot of physical pain. I wasn't sure what was wrong but I hurt all the time. At night, in the daytime, I couldn't walk right and people were always asking me why I was limping. I didn't want to go to the doctor for fear that it would be alot of money with no diagnosis. I had tried walking and it hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. On Monday, Joe came home for lunch and said he was going to run. I said I would go with him. <br /><br />Oddly enough, running made me feel better. I don't hurt as bad, I don't walk funny and I just feel better all over. <br /><br />Now, this makes me wonder...why would something that I hate doing and that you would think would make me hurt worse, makes me feel better?? All I know, is that I remember feeling better back when I was running all the time. Why would God have it so that the one thing I hate doing makes me feel better? I don't know and I don't care....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-71485860188313820772010-11-25T13:04:00.000-08:002010-11-25T13:20:12.141-08:00Do you know who your family is????Whew!! This has been quite the week. We arrived in Florida on Monday. We have spent every evening with my family. And so far, I have not lost it. <br /><br />I do have to ask, though - do we have to LIKE our families? I have forgiven them, I have prayed FOR them and ABOUT them. I have been patient and even tried to be kind, and the reality is, I don't like them. I am still thinking that I was switched at birth at the hospital. You might think that I am just wishing, but it did happen at the hospital I was born at around the same the time I was born. It certainly would explain alot of things. <br /><br />The longer I have been around them, the more confused I have gotten. I don't think the same way they do, I don't believe the same way they do, and I certainly don't act the way they do. I do believe my real family is looking for me. <br /><br />I think the Forgiveness Project has worked. There is no way I could have spent this much time around them if I had not forgiven them. Even some of the same mean things were said to me that had been said when I was young and I was able to just ignore them. I know I could not have done this if I hadn't forgiven them. Or maybe I just have arrogantly believed I am better than they are - either way, it didn't hurt me like it would have in the past. So, I know that all of the work has been a success. The goal was to not allow them to hurt me and they haven't. <br /><br />It feels as if I have reached a new place in my life. It finally REALLY doesn't matter to me what they think. I can continue my life knowing that I live with my REAL family. Speaking of which - I have had the most incredible time with my guys. We have laughed and had a wonderful time. I am so lucky that God has provided me with a terrific husband and a great boy and it only matters what they think. I am lucky!!!dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-55951541291011204252010-11-12T11:38:00.000-08:002010-11-12T12:02:40.598-08:00I'm feeling WHATTTTT?I like to think that I am flexible, spontaneous and easy-going. I am none of these. Instead, I am delusional. I have pretended to be these things for so long, I can't even remember NOT pretending to be them. Except delusional, of course. I don't have to try hard to be delusional. This has caused a great amount of internal stress for me. If you are not flexible, every time things don't go as planned, it can make me feel anxious and I just pretend like I don't feel this way. <br /><br />I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to find out the results of some tests I had done last week. I found out that my thyroid is not working correctly. While there, my doctor asked me how I was dealing with Celiacs Disease. I told him I was following the eating plan and being careful to not make any mistakes. He said that wasn't what he meant. He asked how I was FEELING about it. What a weird question. <br /><br />It's funny, but I really only have a couple of feelings. I feel happy or angry. Every feeling I have shows itself in one of those. If someone hurts my feelings, I could never admit that, I only say "I am so mad." Even my depression manifests itself in anger - usually at myself, but sometimes at the world. I have often wondered if I let go and just felt what would happen? Would I just fall apart? Would I go crazy? Try as I may, though, I have a difficult time feeling. There are times when I feel undiluted joy - that is always when I am playing the piano. Almost every time I am at church and lots of times when I am playing at home, just me and God. Every other feeling is foggy - like looking at a picture that is out of focus. <br /><br />I was considering how I have reacted to finding out I have Celiacs Disease. I realized that one day I ate what I wanted, and the next day I didn't. So much for that - move on. My doctor wanted to know if I had adequately grieved the loss of some of my favorite foods. That never even had occurred to me. But, I've got to tell you...I REALLY miss cupcakes and pancakes. If I were to KNOW that Christ was coming tonight, the Last Supper has already been planned. It's almost like food porn...I sit and think about it. That's just sick. <br /><br />But, I had been very discouraged because I had been running everyday and watching what I was eating and I still wasn't losing weight. When I went to the doctor for a 6 month check-up, I finally told him all of this. He had some test ordered and found out that my thyroid is barely working at all. It certainly explained alot of things - I thought for sure I had Alzheimer's. I was forgetting things and getting confused and my muscles hurt and I was hot all the time, but not like hot flashes. Now, I find out that all of those are directly related to the thyroid. I was so relieved to find out that I am not going crazy. Well, that part is still not confirmed, but at least I know why some things are happening.<br /><br />Well, with all of this pretending and not feeling, it's a lucky thing I got a Master's Degree in Psych....I don't think it's helping all that much.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-76114072998357843672010-11-09T12:26:00.001-08:002010-11-09T12:42:16.534-08:00ChangesWell, Satan is STILL in my computer. I'm ready to exorcise it. <br /><br />Yesterday, as I was running, I had a profound thought. I HATE running. I'm really sorry about it, but I do. Every step yesterday was horrific. Everything hurt and it even hurt long into the evening. I am not feeling any better about it and I don't feel as though I am enjoying it any more than I was or am getting any faster. Also, that same little pug-like dog chased me again. I believe he might be one of Satan's minions. I am not sure why I am doing this. If it is for a sacrifice, I am sure not doing it with a cheerful heart. Not to mention, I hurt all the time. Not structurally, but in my muscles and I have not ever had this happen before. <br /><br />I am thinking about offering a different sacrifice to God. I need to find something that I will enjoy and offer with a happy heart. I don't really count playing at church because I enjoy that SOOOO much that it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.<br />I want to keep my body healthy and I want to keep it youthful. I want to find something that will be enjoyable for me so that I will continue to do it. <br /><br />I have found that ever since I made a conscious decision to have an impact on my world, it keeps forgiveness on the forefront of my mind. It is impossible to make a positive impact when you are carrying a grudge. Your heart is not in the right place. So, I have been praying every morning for God to help me make a positive impact and to keep an open, forgiving heart. It has really helped. I have also found that when I decided to have an impact on my world, it makes me view others in a different light. There are always people I don't like. However, being in a different position at work, and trying to make others' lives more enjoyable, I find that I don't have the luxury of ignoring or treating people I don't like different from those I do like. This is so much harder than I thought. <br /><br />I am really getting nervous about going home. I will get to experience first-hand if the Forgiveness Project really did work because I will be with the people I have had the hardest time forgiving all these years. I have a little over a week, so I just keep praying that God will make the experience a positive one. <br /><br />Who know...maybe I will impact their world in a positive way...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-76383969602343350192010-11-06T12:39:00.000-07:002010-11-06T12:45:14.105-07:00Is Satan in my computer....again???I think Satan lives in my computer. I really do!! It seems as if I can't get all the components working at once. I got my running schedule figured out and I started forgiving again and then, my computer is not working again. I have time to run and forgive on my lunch, but not enough time to get to the library and blog. <br /><br />I am really enjoying my job. I am trying hard to have a positive impact on people's lives - even the ones that have to be encouraged to leave us to "pursue other interests". <br /><br />My runs have been so much better too. I have really enjoyed them. The weather has been perfect too. <br /><br />I hope that Joe can figure out what's up with my computer. Unlike before when this happened, I can't get to the library every day to post. Well, I could, but I wouldn't have time to run and then I wouldn't really have anything to blog about. <br /><br />Do you think Satan lives in 'things'? Like my computer or car, etc? I would think he would have better things to do than worry about me blogging, wouldn't you? Like "TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!" <br /><br />I will certainly try to do better about posting.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-29125320441715636742010-11-01T16:59:00.000-07:002010-11-01T17:12:47.821-07:00Trying harder.What a great run today. It was cool, overcast and very quiet. I felt strong. I realized that last week I shouldn't have run 5 days in a row. I was informed by my all-knowing and well-meaning husband that I need to give myself a day of rest. He offered this information after I was discussing how slow, and horrible Friday's run was. I am now going to run 2 miles on Monday, 1.5 on Tuesday but faster and 3 on Wednesday. Then, take Thursday off and run 1.5 fast on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I hope it helps. I'm not exactly sure what it's going to help, but I feel confident it will help something.<br /><br />I also worked on forgiving this morning. I work up and on the way to work, I reminded myself that I was going to forgive and also have an impact on those around me everyday. It went pretty well. I tried to be kind and understanding. I also tried to be honest and open. AND - I didn't hit anyone. <br /><br />I am surprised that I didn't remember that God never really makes becoming a better person easy, does He? I wish I could just fix something once - and that's it - it's fixed. But, I have to keep staying on top of things so that I don't regress. And I regress WAY faster than I make progress. <br /><br />Oh well, at least He gives us a long time to try to get it right....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-75283094662727202402010-10-31T16:32:00.000-07:002010-10-31T17:09:44.904-07:00Speaking of forgiveness...I cannot believe that it has been a month since I posted. I apologize profusely for this. I would like to offer an excuse, but it would be just that - an excuse.<br /><br />The truth is that I have not been able to fit running OR forgiving into my schedule since I went back to work. I say that because the two are tied together more that I thought they were. <br /><br />I did make some changes this past week though. I was originally working from 8-4, but I was not running in the morning or in the evening. I have always hated running in the morning and all I have been doing in the evening is making excuses for not running. So, this past week, I changed my work schedule to better accommodate my priorities. I now work from 7-12ish and then come home and run and then go back at 3 and work until 6. And it worked great. I ran everyday this past week and it made a HUGE difference. <br /><br />Sadly, however, I didn't make the same effort to forgive. I think my perception was that once you fix the forgiveness problem - you know make the decision to forgive and all that, then you don't have to think about it again. Well, I was wrong. When I don't wake-up every morning and make the decision to forgive EVERYONE that irritates me in some way, I become incredibly vindictive and just mean. I don't always say things that would indicate that, but believe me, I sure think them. And now I deal with children and, more importantly, adults, I need to be a picture of Christ to every one I encounter. <br /><br />This morning's sermon really impacted me - I began to think of how I could ImPACT people on a daily basis in every aspect. Not just the four giants as a church, but in every dealing with others that I have. How can I make the world a better place in every action I take? <br /><br />So, tomorrow morning, I will start by repeating the following:<br /> "Today, I will forgive others and try to impact everyone on my path in a positive way." <br /><br />That's not much...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-63799997050482526242010-10-04T15:31:00.000-07:002010-10-04T16:26:45.463-07:00Roll with it, Baby!!I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have posted and it has been 10 days since I have run. I guess the time got away from me. I started working full-time again last week and I couldn't seem to figure out when to work out and we had somewhere to be every evening last week. But, I decided not to let working rule my life.....or I'm going to try anyway!!<br /><br />I ran today when I got home from work. It was slow but I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful and cool and I could feel Fall right around the corner. <br /><br />I don't know if I have ever admitted this to you, but, I have a tendency to be wound a little tight. I try to appear relaxed and flexible, but the reality is, I am not. I often don't know which is more stressful - not being relaxed and flexible, or trying to appear relaxed and flexible. So, when things happen that come out of the blue, I try really hard to handle it well, but it doesn't always happen.<br /><br />This past weekend, we found out that we are going to just one keyboardist playing two keyboards each week on the worship team. This is being done because in January when the new campus opens, it would require us to play almost every weekend and some don't want to play that much. But, in the meantime, we have been cut to once a month through November, when we will then go back to two keyboardists for the Christmas season. But, it was so disappointing to find out that I wouldn't be playing again until November. You know, playing at North Point is one of the absolute joys of my life. Needless to say, I didn't take it well. Okay, I whined. <br /><br />Then, during the second service on Sunday morning, I felt like God was telling me that maybe I didn't know what was coming and to "Just chill out". I try to chill out, I really do. I just think too much. <br /><br />Today, I was running and a song came on the radio and the chorus was "Roll with it, baby!". You know the one. I think it was a message from God. You know why I think that? Because there is no way I would think that by myself. I think alot of things, but if I had thought that it would be "I think I should try to just roll with it more." Definitely not just "Roll with it, baby!!" <br /><br />I am going to use this time by doing a couple of things. I have been working on some studies for women using Scripture and things that have helped me. At this point, they are pages and pages of just thoughts. I think I will try to get at least one into a Bible study format. I will be looking for a group of women to go through the first one with me, so if you are interested, let me know. <br /><br />I am also going to work on my autobiography. I'd like to get the basics down on paper. <br /><br />So my new mantra is "roll with it baby!!". Let's see how that works...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-76579187757742033072010-09-20T17:10:00.000-07:002010-09-20T17:35:54.555-07:00Just when I needed it......I feel so bad that it's been over a week since I've posted. I certainly didn't mean for that to happen - it's been crazy. <br /><br />I've continued to run - some good and some bad. Today I was chased by a ferocious, barking, small terrier-like dog. But, I outran him!! I was so proud - and a little scared. It's those little ones that can really hurt you. It was a great day and I really enjoyed the run. <br /><br />Lots of things have transpired since I last wrote. Didn't that sound SO much better than, "Wow, lots has happened"? I thought so too. <br /><br />First, I have the opportunity to go back to work at my old daycare, only I will be the Assistant Director. When the position came open, I decided that I could help make the work environment a lot better. I have really missed being around the kids and this will certainly fund the trip home. Speaking of which....<br /><br />I have also decided that I am a big enough girl with incredible social and mental skills that I can go visit my family without suffering a mental break-down. I am going to do this by having a plan to escape in the event that things go downhill. Isn't that grown-up of me?<br /><br />Last Thursday, I got the opportunity to play with some worship team members at the Influence Conference for the Assemblies of God. It was so much fun!! One of the best days I've ever had.<br /><br />The first speaker was a woman from Nashville who was talking about being authentic and how churches can create the environment so that it makes it easier for people to be honest and open up about the things that they carry as a burden. The strange thing is that I decided to sit in on that speaker. I was going to just hang out and then I met her in the green room and we talked about blogging, etc. So, I thought I would see what she had to say. During the course of the talk, she was open about having the same addictions as I have. She was so open and honest in front of all those Assemblies of God pastors. She is my hero. Of course, she did talk about how not everyone has been accepting. It was just such a miracle to me that I got to hear her, and then speak with her. I don't think it was an accident....<br /><br />The thing is, I've struggled recently SO much with temptation and it came at the most opportune moment. I hadn't succumbed to temptation, so this was like a lifeline. Isn't it weird how God know just when we need something....oh yeah, He's God.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-66518751776401915882010-09-10T08:36:00.000-07:002010-09-10T09:32:11.846-07:00Living OUT LOUD!!!This morning was a very long, hot, humid, slow, and frustrating run. It gave me alot of time to think about some things. <br /><br />I have a confession to make. I have noticed that if I am having a bad day, or week, I don't want to blog. It's because I don't want people to know that things aren't going well in my life. I think I should not have any complaints because I am blessed. I was one of those kids who when they were getting spanked, wouldn't cry to give the spanker the satisfaction of knowing that it hurt me. So, I want the world to think that everything is going great in my life. ALL THE TIME. The reality is - NEWSFLASH: it doesn't..<br /><br />SO, <br /><br />As I was running today, I heard Rob Thomas' new song and the lyrics are: <br /><br /> "you can go, you can start all over again,<br /> you can try to find a way to make another day go by,<br /> you can hide, hold all your feelings inside,<br /> you can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry, <br /><br /> And someday maybe we could figure all this out<br /> Try to put an end to all this doubt<br /> ...maybe we'll live our lives out loud.<br /><br /> ...you can run and when everything is over and done<br /> you can shine a little light on everything around you."<br /><br />I felt as if God were talking to me. Just when I fix one thing, I realize something else is broken. <br /><br />I don't think I am being the "me" God intended. I am trying to retrieve some parts of me that I liked from be 'before' years. Before I came back to God. I used to live out loud - with little regard to what others thought. I miss that girl who was crazy and fearless. I don't want to go back completely to that girl, but I want to get back some of the things that made her so infectious. I really want to live out loud. Maybe not as loud as I was before, but definitely louder than now. <br /><br />The only time I come close to feeling this way is when I am worshiping. I'd like to try to carry that abandon into my everyday life so that I can "shine a little light on everything around me".dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-33742162679268251962010-09-04T11:05:00.000-07:002010-09-04T11:31:37.848-07:00What could happen????This has been some crazy few days. Wednesday, I didn't get to run because of the rain. I did work out, though. Then, on Thursday, I worked 11 hours and I was planning on running when I got home, however, it poured again. I did run on Friday and it was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was planning on blogging yesterday and I worked until late and Joe and I went to the movies. We went to see "Grown-Ups" which was very funny. <br /><br />As I was running on Friday, I was thinking about how I have become very apprehensive about going home. What is causing this? What could be so scary about it? I'm joking, right?<br /><br />It's sad that I am so insecure about who I am that I am afraid of going home for fear I won't stand up for myself. And then there's the idea that I could be trapped there with no way of leaving. <br /><br />This all comes from how I look. My body's appearance has always been a target for remarks and criticism in my family. Too this, too that....you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how I have felt about it, I still have a gut response to change it to what they want it to look like. The funny thing is - I am the healthiest person in my family. And I have a chronic disease. As I was running, I was thinking about what a weiner I am about this. <br /><br />Why do I let myself feel this way? Why do I not use all the guns in my arsenal to fix this? Have I become so comfortable with the way things are that I don't want to change it? Does this give me a way out of changing by blaming others? Maybe. <br /><br />I began to think about what I could do to change this. I have decided to forgive, so why not decide to change my 'stinking thinking'? <br /><br />I'll be honest - it is alot easier to just keep thinking that no matter what I do they will not be happy. But, the reality is this - they live 1200 miles away, I never see them, and yet I still care about what they think? That is ridiculous!! Even as I write it , it is even more ridiculous. I am choosing to allow these people to have an impact on my life, when it is unnecessary. <br /><br />So, I am going to change. What would happen if I accepted myself the way I look right now? What if I said to myself every morning, "I am so thankful for the body I have. It keeps me running and lifting. I am healthy and I appreciate what it does for me." That won't mean I won't keep working on it and have goals and expectations, but I WILL have respect and love and appreciation for it. I will feed it for optimum performance. I will treat it as God's temple and a good friend. It certainly can't hurt...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-28613558693656409532010-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:002010-08-31T11:16:56.511-07:00Who's in charge?Another beautiful morning and a really nice run. I absolutely cannot take the shorter route anymore though because today was the fastest I had ever run it. I do have to say I was pretty impressed with myself. <br /><br />While I was running, I remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. When I got back from Desert Storm, I was running with my unit on the beach, and I tripped and cracked my ankle. Well, I fell out of the run and they started calling me names, so I got back in and ran the mile back. By doing that, I tore ligaments in the ankle. It was not wise. I was so bummed, because I found myself on crutches and unable to resume life the way I wanted to. I was dependent on friends to help me get around and I had gained about 20 lbs while I was in Saudi Arabia, so I was ready to start running again. I had to lay around and I remember willing my leg to get better. I would pray and pray that I would wake up and it would be fine. That didn't happen and the reality was, I really needed to slow down and take a new look at my life. I never would have taken the time had it not been for the ankle. <br /><br />I am trying to do the same thing now. I was thinking yesterday how I could push this healing thing along. Not that I can even do that. So, why do I waste time thinking about it? Because I think I am in control. Every time I think that, God gives me an opportunity to think about it...I think I'll just let Him be in charge.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-19090522340116330662010-08-30T09:47:00.000-07:002010-08-30T10:05:30.267-07:00Put the band-aid down!!!This morning was a wonderful run. It was cloudy and the breeze was cool. I think the weather has broken. <br /><br />I have come to this conclusion: Forgiving was the easy part. I'm surprised to hear myself say that. When I started The Forgiveness Project, I had no idea that the forgiving would be the easiest thing. Every morning when I get up, I make the decision to forgive. Sometimes, I have to keep making the decision to forgive the same people, sometimes I have to make the decision to have a forgiving spirit, and sometimes I just have to make the decision to forgive myself. SO, I feel like I have some control over the process.<br /><br />The healing, however, seems to have its own agenda. It is just like when I hurt myself and put a band-aid on it, I can't force it to heal faster. I am always lifting the band-aid to see if it is getting better. Sometimes, lifting the band-aid hurts worse than the actual cut. I am doing the same thing with my emotional boo-boos. I keep picking at them to see if they are better. <br /><br />I need to just ask God to help me get stronger and leave the actual healing to Him. And also, to quit picking at the scabs of my heart. I am going to concentrate on getting physically stronger and let the rest take its course. We'll see how that works...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-37086030209735741012010-08-26T11:28:00.000-07:002010-08-26T11:37:56.954-07:00Everything is His!!I am so proud of myself!! I had a terrific meeting with Joe Freeman this morning. Wait, let me back up.<br /><br />Over the summer, a friend of mine from another church said that she and some friends were coming to church on a Saturday night and wanted me to go with them to dinner afterwards. I said yes, of course. Well, when we got to dinner, I found out that the friends were there to ask me to lead worship at a women's conference at their church in Arkansas. Well, I said no, because I didn't think I could do it. <br /><br />I have struggled with being afraid to sing for some time now, and I thought I was better, but apparently not. So, I tried to put it out of my mind. But, I couldn't. I kept feeling really convicted about it. I began to think how lucky I am to have gifts that I can use for God and then, I turn down an opportunity. <br /><br />Well, something Tommy said two Sundays ago really struck me. It was before the offering when he was talking about everything being God's and He just lets us use it. THAT did it. I have not been able to get the worship request out of my mind. So, I decided to talk to Joe Freeman about helping me overcome my fear and see if he would let me audition to sing and go from there. SO, that's what we're going to do. <br /><br />I am excited and nervous to see where this might lead, but this is an opportunity that I didn't want to pass up again. I sure didn't want to look back and think "Wow, I should have tried harder to use my gifts".dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-44343129711827700332010-08-25T07:11:00.000-07:002010-08-25T07:42:43.750-07:00Oh what a beautiful morning!!This morning was even more beautiful than yesterday. The breeze was actually cool and felt like fall. It was so wonderful. It made me want to sing "Oh what a beautiful morning". Then I remembered I am not living in the musical "Oklahoma". Wouldn't be great though, if we could just break into song when we felt like it? <br /><br />I have felt so much better since I figured things out yesterday. Sometimes just knowing why helps. I can combat those negative feelings so much better when I know where they are coming from. <br /><br />I have moments where I want to beat myself up because I still let the past affect my present. I just have to be kind to me and forgive myself and work to be more productive with my feelings.dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-85072155680982610092010-08-24T08:49:00.000-07:002010-08-24T09:54:02.865-07:00Just be quiet!!This morning's run was so nice. With the break in the weather, it made it so pleasurable. There was a nice COOL breeze and the sky was clear and a few clouds. It felt like fall is on the way. <br /><br />I have not been able to figure out what has been wrong. I have been so bummed and unmotivated. I could not find the key to what had changed. Most people don't know that I am a thinker. I spend ALOT of time pondering the things of life. But, I was foggy when it came to why I wasn't feeling myself.<br /><br />This morning on my run, I was trying to figure it all out. Then, my batteries in my radio died. I have never been able to run without music. But, I didn't have a choice. The thing is, I didn't even take out my ear plugs, I just kept running. SO, I was thinking about why things had changed. <br /><br />I think it started when we decided to go home for Thanksgiving. That was when I started being very critical every time I looked in the mirror and started having increased feelings of depression. I had still kept taking my medication, so it was not making any sense. I had never really had any anxiety with my depression, but that began too. <br /><br />I had also become less than motivated about running. Then, it all made sense...<br /><br />I think I thought that once I had forgiven, the hard work would be done. And once I had forgiven, maybe the running was over too. Now, I know that the forgiving may be the easiest part. That's pretty weird, huh? Forgiving has turned out to be a decision, just like loving. I wake up, decide that today I am going to forgive and move through the day. The more days I said that, the easier the forgiving became. <br />But, living with the scars and wounds is another thing. I began to be mad at me because I hadn't 'gotten over it'. <br /><br />I can forgive but there is still healing that needs to be done. If you cut me with a knife, and it was an accident and you said you were sorry, the cut wouldn't heal immediately just because I had forgiven you. It takes time and medical attention. That was something I hadn't taken into account with the forgiveness. There are still scars and wounds. <br /><br />This is really arrogant, but, I also thought that I could do this on my own. Not completely, because God is always involved in my life, but without my asking Him specifically to help me heal past this. Years ago, I had some scars and stretchmarks that I wanted gone and a friend told me to get vitamin E capsules and poke a hole in them and squeeze out the gel onto the scars and stretchmarks. It made a huge difference in helping them disappear. But, if I had just bought the capsules and never put it on there, it wouldn't have helped. Now, I realize that God is there especially for these kinds of things. He doesn't want me to hurt over this. <br /><br />I had not thought that going home would be so scary. I had not forgotten that these were the same people who had made fun of me growing up. I just had not realized how deep the wounds had gone. I was feeling exactly like I had years ago. SO, the fear is legitimate. <br /><br />Now, the responsibility is mine to grow past this. I've had a lifetime but I now need to make significant progress in 12 weeks. Kind of like rehab....Oh I meant that as a joke but it really is. I've got to become able to handle my emotions in a new and better way that does not involve self-doubt or self-hatred. <br /><br />As I am thinking all of this through, I realized that the running and the working out are physical manifestations of my becoming emotionally stronger. That's why I have to keep running....every step brings me closer to the person I want to be - not afraid of what others think or say.<br /><br />As I am coming to the end of my run and figuring all this out, the music comes back on. Maybe God knew I needed to be quiet to hear what He had to say.....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-9060685989139821222010-08-19T08:37:00.000-07:002010-08-19T08:48:44.967-07:00Figuring it all out.I am so sorry I have been missing in action. I would like to say I have been so busy that I haven't had time to write. The real truth is that I have been in the worst of moods and had absolutely nothing positive to say. So, I went with the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". <br /><br />I have run and it has been nice since the weather has been cooler and less humid. I have worked 3 days this week at preschool, which I have to say, always helps my mood. I have also worked out.<br /><br />I went back a couple of days to read what I had written previously. I now feel even worse that I have been feeling bad since I had written that I was going to be thankful. HA! That hasn't gone well. Neither has treating my body as God's temple. Wow, I'm doing really well. <br /><br />Why is it that when I decide to make conscious decisions to act in a way that is more glorifying to God that immediately things start to happen that make me forget what I promised to do. AND I felt so bummed I had a hard time moving through life. <br /><br />I was also so mad at my boys I couldn't hardly stand it. The only thing about my life that has been real this last week has been the worship on Saturday and Sunday. Luckily, no matter how bad I feel, I can always worship when I'm at church. <br /><br />I am going to forgive myself for not being thankful and for not treating my body well and for beating myself up for feeling bummed. I have had the worse dreams where people and things are chasing me. I don't think it is a coincidence that I decided to make some powerful changes in my life and I got bummed, can't sleep, and have bad dreams where people are chasing me. Hmmmmmmm. I've got to figure out how to have a better combat strategy because I think this might be war.....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-13547479850331676222010-08-14T08:01:00.000-07:002010-08-15T17:53:03.637-07:00Is ice cream evil??This morning's run was great!! A cool breeze that felt like fall and that kind of sunshine that looks clear and makes everything beautiful. The last couple of runs were miserable - hot and no breeze. <br /><br />I was talking to Joe this morning about changing up my workout schedule. I was wondering if I should maybe use the treadmill at the gym on the days I work out at least until the weather breaks. My workouts have been great though. I am so glad I joined the gym. <br /><br />I am still having a hard time treating my body as God's temple. It's hard figuring out what is ok and what isn't. I had ice cream last night and it made it feel like I was cheating even though I had eaten well all day. Is it ever ok to eat ice cream? It's not like it's evil, right?dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-80199726889306698342010-08-13T11:03:00.000-07:002010-08-13T11:28:00.434-07:00Another round of guilt, please....This has been a really hard week. I'm not sure what is up. I didn't run Thursday or Friday - it was just too hot. Even in the morning. I did work out this week though.<br /><br />For as long as I can remember, I have really struggled with depression. Even when I was a little girl, I have memories of thinking that other people didn't feel this way. It wasn't until 2003 that I actually began taking medication for it. Even then, I didn't want to take it. Sometimes, I become delusional and think I don't need it anymore, only to discover that I get - I don't know - depressed without it.<br /><br />I often feel like I should be able to rise above this - like I have the ability to will it away. Believe me, I've tried. And then, the people around me will ask if I have been skipping my medication. But, this week, I have taken my medication all week. <br /><br />I gotten better about taking my high blood pressure medication. I have come to realize that no matter what - no matter how much I run, or how much weight I lose, or how calm I am - I have to take it because my problem is not solved by weight loss, or diet or stress management. <br /><br />I'm trying to take the same attitude with my anti-depressants. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel guilty that I have to take them. I should be over it. Or I should have been healed. Or I should have out-grown it. Or something. <br /><br />I can't seem to forgive myself that I need them. And I feel guilty when I am feeling bummed and I fake it around others and I feel guilty because I have to take them. So, there is alot of guilt, no matter what.<br /><br />Maybe I'm addicted to guilt...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-44990579382891203342010-08-09T13:36:00.000-07:002010-08-13T11:03:38.664-07:00Today, I am going to be thankful...I actually wrote this on the 9th of August but it didn't post for some reason. Or maybe it was operator error, I'm not really sure.<br /><br />I started this post yesterday after my run. I just couldn't get it right so, I just stopped. <br /><br />I am happy to report that yesterday's run involved no crying. It was terrific. I felt so much better. I ran at the park again. It was pretty hot by the time I finished, but I didn't hurt. And there was great music on the radio. Today, though was very hot!! There was not a breeze and it was so humid. Still not bad though.<br /><br />I have not been doing very well treating my body as God's temple. That's really sad. Then, I beat myself up about it. For some unexplainable reason, I have been feeling some really strong self-loathing about my body. When this happens, I get crazy about my diet and food. I come up with crazy ideas to lose weight like only drinking protein drinks and eating fruit. <br /><br />I have Celiacs disease so that means I can't eat anything with gluten in it. Gluten is a protein in wheat, rye and barley. It is used to bind things as well so it is what holds the seasoning onto chips or things like that. This limits what I can eat dramatically. So, there aren't that many things that are good to even cheat with that don't make me sick. <br /><br />I do really good making choices that are good for me when it comes to this stuff. I don't eat things that make me sick and I am trying to stay away from things that have too many chemicals in them. But, I'm distressed because I haven't lost weight. I know that I said that I wasn't going to make this about weight. OK, so I'm not doing a good job at that either. I know that I need to lose to be healthier but I don't want to obsess about it like I have in the past. <br /><br />I know that this is a bold thought - but what if I just accepted my body the way it is and stop obsessing about it? I just realized that this began since we have decided to go home for Thanksgiving. My body has always been an issue with my family. I think it is because my body is so much different than everyone else's in my family. This has presented opportunities to tease me. Even when I was a body-builder, there was alot of teasing about how my body was different, not an appreciation for the hard work it takes to make your body look like that. <br /><br />I need to just appreciate myself for who I am and what I look like at this particular moment. I have to forgive myself for not appreciating the body God gave me. I am so lucky. My particular body type has served me well. I do not have any major problems like knee or back issues. All the abuse - internal and external - has not inhibited my body's ability to work well. <br /><br />It goes back to the idea of living in the moment. If I wait until my body looks better, that could be a LONG time. And then, what if it looks great and something out of my control happens? So, I go back to hating it? Why in the world would I hate something that God makes? OK, so I don't think He made it to look like it does today, but He did make it to look different from everyone else. Why not just relax and love it as a work in progress? <br /><br />I am going to try my best to continue to treat my body as God's temple and to appreciate it as a work in progress. I am going to stop looking in the mirror and finding every single thing I hate about it and point it out, because THAT is productive. <br /> <br />So, in addition to forgiving, I think another thing to repeat to myself is "Today, I am going to be thankful."dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-16739518492929155712010-08-07T08:35:00.001-07:002010-08-07T09:32:47.808-07:00I don't think this is REALLY about the MotrinToday was the WORST running day I have had since the day I started running. It wasn't the heat because it was a really nice day - nice breeze and not too hot. I had to quit using Motrin last week before I had the colonoscopy. So, I decided that I would try not to use it again EVER. That wasn't the greatest idea I have ever had. In fact - I think it was stupid. This morning, I swear I heard things actually creak when I got out of bed and then, halfway through my run, everything hurt so bad I just had to stop. I felt more than just hurt, I felt defeated. This promptly led to my crying and sobbing on the park path. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel very weak and helpless. And then it hit me. I think it might be more than just the lack of Motrin. I think it might be Satan. <br /><br />OK, here's the deal - I decided that I was going to quit worrying about money and just trust God to provide. Just when I thought I was not going to get to substitute teach anymore at my old preschool, I got more hours. Then, I decided to REALLY try to pursue a speaking career. I decided to sell Avon. I know that there are people who don't think that God really cares about the little stuff in my life. But I can't help but think that if He cares about the big stuff, then why wouldn't He care about the little stuff if it matters to me and I matter to Him? <br /><br />In the last several months, I have made some huge decisions that have dramatically changed my life. I decided to start running and to start forgiving. I have decided to start treating my body as the temple of God that it is. I have decided to trust God that He will take care of me. That's more progress than some entire years in my life. <br /><br />Recently at our small group, I mentioned that I felt sad that Mel Gibson had fallen so far from just a few years ago. I then said that it was also sad that He had talked about how much he loved Jesus and how making the film "The Passion of the Christ" had deepened his relationship with Him. I remarked that it was a shame that Mel didn't anticipate that when he stood up for Christ, Satan was going to notice. And wait. And then, Mel would give him ammunition. <br /><br />Well, I guess I didn't think I was very important to the big plan. It hadn't occurred to me until this morning, when I was crying on the path at the park, that Satan would try to push my buttons too. My buttons are different than Mel's. I'm not going to drink and drive, use racist language or beat up my girlfriend. But, I can, with very little encouragement, beat up myself and doubt my abilities. Then, I can feel defeated and give up. That removes me from making a difference in anyone else's life. And I thought it was just about Motrin.....dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692286856156346209.post-7230025017025828602010-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:002010-08-04T19:32:09.042-07:00I'm a scaredy-catI know I have missed a couple of days. OK, three. I'll be honest, I didn't have anything to say on Monday. I know you find that hard to believe, but while I was prepping for the colonoscopy, I just didn't have any bold thoughts. And then, I had to take it easy for 24 hours and I just slept alot. Everything turned out ok, and I am thanking God that it was not cancer - we don't know what it was, but it was not cancer. <br /><br />It was miserable hot when I ran this morning. I didn't hear my alarm, so I didn't wake up until 9:00. It was already WAY too hot. It was another one of those days when every little thing gets on your nerves - my shirt, my socks, the songs on the radio. Then, about halfway through, I thought, "What if I just relax and quit thinking about it all too much?". It really helped. I found that it got better and I was able to make it all the way home without too much internal whining. <br /><br />I've had some really hard days trying to decide what to do about my future. It's funny, most people have already thought about their future long before they are 50. I'm luckier than most people. I have had opportunities that most people will never have, and yet I still wonder what my purpose is. I have spent alot of time badgering God about this. I would say praying, but it really is badgering. <br /><br />The problem lies in me. I am scared. And it's a kind of fear that is so different from anything else I have ever felt. I have been physically scared LOTS of times and I know how to handle that. This is a paralyzing fear of rejection - one so strong that it prevents me from moving in any direction. <br /><br />I am torn between being safe and living life to the fullest. Since I found out I wasn't getting an interview for the job I wanted, I have felt like a drowning person beating the water to death around me - wasting alot of energy and getting nowhere but feeling like I'm dying. And all the while, beating myself up because I can't figure out what I wanted to do. So, I tried to just relax and stop thinking about it. <br /><br />The truth is - I know what I want to do - I'm just afraid to do it. Since starting the "Forgiveness Project", I have realized that forgiveness is the answer to so many things. Since I have been forgiving others and trying to forgive myself, I have noticed that I have been far less tempted to participate in the activities that have caused addictive reactions - and there are several. I have also noticed a difference in me - a softness that I never knew existed. I may not have forgiven myself completely, but I am able to accept more about myself now than ever before. <br /><br />I want speak to others about forgiveness or parenting or promiscuity or anything else God wants me to talk about. It is just really hard to put yourself out there. I am praying that I have the courage to begin. I am not going to let this fear hold me back...dash of gingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09303589142850386717noreply@blogger.com0