Today, I ended up having to try to get the walk in between rains. I got called to substitute teach at my old preschool so I was there at 6:30 and got finished at 3:00. So, as soon as I got changed, it started raining again. Then, when I started dinner, it stopped raining. After Joe and I ate, I started walking and then it rained on me the last 1/4 mile. Now, I look outside and it is sunny. Of course...
I decided to walk today so that I can try to run three days in a row on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I ran both Friday and Saturday, so I am going to try three days this week. I am also trying to treat running like I did in the Marine Corps. I ran everyday at lunch no matter what the weather was - rain, snow, sleet, heat. I was dedicated. I think I have even more to be dedicated to this time.
I have noticed that some days I backslide on the forgiving. It's like anything else I try to change about myself, I have to be diligent or it doesn't work. I absolutely have to say "Today, I am going to forgive" every morning when I wake up. I find I still get caught up in whether people deserve to be forgiven, or if I am right. Mostly, if I am right. I'd like to think I am always right - but that would not be true.
It seems that the closer people are to me, the harder it can be to live with an attitude of constant forgiveness. Especially when I'm right. Sometimes, when the person is someone who I have an intense relationship with, I feel like forgiving them is letting them off the hook. I'm not even talking about murder or running over the dog with the car. I'm talking about just not doing the dishes. How hard should that be to forgive? It would appear that I still have some work to do.....
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Day Twenty: Ahhhhhhhhh Sunday
I stuck with my decision to keep the Sabbath as a day of rest. I hung out with Joe and watched movies. I went to the Wal-MArt and got a couple of things and then watched more movies. We had Wingstop for dinner.
I have to say , I have really enjoyed keeping the Sabbath quiet. I think I will keep it up. Hey, rest never hurt anyone.
I have to say , I have really enjoyed keeping the Sabbath quiet. I think I will keep it up. Hey, rest never hurt anyone.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Day Nineteen: A Pleasant Saturday Run
I ran two days in a row. This is the first time!! I'm so proud of myself!! I thought Saturday would be the perfect time because I would have Sunday to recover. I am getting closer and closer to connecting the whole circle of 1.5 miles.
I ran about 11:00 and it was much cooler than it is in the late afternoon. I am going to try to run in the mid-morning most days if I can.
I also tried today to not think too much while I was running. I tried to just enjoy it. This is pretty big since I have never really enjoyed running at all. All these years, I have just endured it. I am not saying I am going to love it, but if I am going to live every day in the moment, then I need to find pleasant aspects of everything I do. Today's pleasant aspect about running: it is empowering to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish something on a Saturday.
I ran about 11:00 and it was much cooler than it is in the late afternoon. I am going to try to run in the mid-morning most days if I can.
I also tried today to not think too much while I was running. I tried to just enjoy it. This is pretty big since I have never really enjoyed running at all. All these years, I have just endured it. I am not saying I am going to love it, but if I am going to live every day in the moment, then I need to find pleasant aspects of everything I do. Today's pleasant aspect about running: it is empowering to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish something on a Saturday.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Day Eighteen: Just keep putting one foot in front of the other
I had to run later tonight than usual. I had to work until 6:30 and then go to Wal-Mart. This is the closest I've come to connecting the entire route of my 1.5 miles.
It would have been so easy to just not run tonight. I'm really thankful I have the blog to keep me accountable. It was late and I was tired and I really just wanted to collapse in the recliner with Andy's. I think there might be something in Andy's that makes you addicted. So, instead I ran and ate salad.
I was thinking about something odd while I was running. I have had some trouble with my hips in the last 10 years or so. When I was little, I wore corrective shoes. It seems that someone, somewhere decided how my feet should hit the ground and mine needed to be corrected. I wore them from the age of about 2 until about 11. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore because your feet should hit the ground like God intended them to. So, I have been working on just letting them hit the ground the way they are supposed to. But, it is hard when you have spent a lifetime thinking about how they hit and changing it. In fact, I'm still not sure how they would hit if I weren't thinking about it. Because now, instead of thinking about how to change them, I think about just letting them hit which means I spend an awful lot of time thinking about my feet.
I think the real problem was that someone in charge of me had a problem if I didn't walk like a 'lady' or how she determined a lady would walk. So, when my feet started to turn inward, I went to the doctor to change that. So, tonight I was trying to just let my feet hit like they want to. And wondering what difference how my feet hit the ground could possibly make in the big scheme of things. This person was very caught up in appearances and what other people think...sound familiar?
I have noticed that the forgiving has come much easier than I ever thought it would. Maybe I was wrong about who I thought I was. Maybe I had the potential all along to forgive and have mercy and compassion, but who I was told I was and my reaction to experiences is what I began to believe.
Just like how my feet hit the ground was not 'right' for someone else, some aspects of my personality were also not 'right' for someone, so things were said and done to try to change me. And so, for a long time, I have believed memories and incorrect information that have given me an incorrect picture of who I really am.
But now, I know who I really am. So, I am going to relax and just let my feet hit the ground and let me be me.
It would have been so easy to just not run tonight. I'm really thankful I have the blog to keep me accountable. It was late and I was tired and I really just wanted to collapse in the recliner with Andy's. I think there might be something in Andy's that makes you addicted. So, instead I ran and ate salad.
I was thinking about something odd while I was running. I have had some trouble with my hips in the last 10 years or so. When I was little, I wore corrective shoes. It seems that someone, somewhere decided how my feet should hit the ground and mine needed to be corrected. I wore them from the age of about 2 until about 11. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore because your feet should hit the ground like God intended them to. So, I have been working on just letting them hit the ground the way they are supposed to. But, it is hard when you have spent a lifetime thinking about how they hit and changing it. In fact, I'm still not sure how they would hit if I weren't thinking about it. Because now, instead of thinking about how to change them, I think about just letting them hit which means I spend an awful lot of time thinking about my feet.
I think the real problem was that someone in charge of me had a problem if I didn't walk like a 'lady' or how she determined a lady would walk. So, when my feet started to turn inward, I went to the doctor to change that. So, tonight I was trying to just let my feet hit like they want to. And wondering what difference how my feet hit the ground could possibly make in the big scheme of things. This person was very caught up in appearances and what other people think...sound familiar?
I have noticed that the forgiving has come much easier than I ever thought it would. Maybe I was wrong about who I thought I was. Maybe I had the potential all along to forgive and have mercy and compassion, but who I was told I was and my reaction to experiences is what I began to believe.
Just like how my feet hit the ground was not 'right' for someone else, some aspects of my personality were also not 'right' for someone, so things were said and done to try to change me. And so, for a long time, I have believed memories and incorrect information that have given me an incorrect picture of who I really am.
But now, I know who I really am. So, I am going to relax and just let my feet hit the ground and let me be me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Day Seventeen: Where was I?
Today I walked. And walked and walked. It was 12:30 and it was hot! So, I walked and sweated and walked and sweated. And thought and walked and sweated.
Today, I felt like the real me for the 1st time in a very long time. It happened when I was dancing in my craft room.
Since I started running, I have purchased heels, worn sleeveless shirts, worn a skirt and made 2 more. I am not quite sure when this transformation happened. I had forgotten who I was. I can't really say that. I had not forgotten - I had just lost her.
Since I have lived here in the Midwest, I had hidden who I really was. I tried to be like everyone else - and the funny thing is - I didn't even like who everyone else was. In the middle of all of this, I became afraid to be who I really am. Then, I bought the first pair of cowboy boots. I think they were the first catalyst. They helped me decide that I didn't NEED to be like everyone else.
I have spent a lot of my life afraid. Not really afraid, just fearful. Fearful that people will figure out who I am and not like me. I made a list of why people should just bite me...it included spending 10 years as a Marine, being a military policeman, running 2 marathons, competing in 10 triathlons, serving in Desert Storm, being the only female in all male units, not once, twice but three times, being jumped by a guy who tried to rape me and I pulled his eye out and held him off until someone came, being bolder than the truck full of men who think they are going to hurt you. And yet, I am afraid people won't like how I dress, or they will question my sexual orientation or think I am not a good wife or not have an important job.
The great thing about all of this thinking that I've been doing while I am running/walking is that it has helped me find me. And I didn't really even know where I last saw me.
There is definitely a connection between the running, forgiving and finding me, I just have to figure out how it all works. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow while I'm running....
Today, I felt like the real me for the 1st time in a very long time. It happened when I was dancing in my craft room.
Since I started running, I have purchased heels, worn sleeveless shirts, worn a skirt and made 2 more. I am not quite sure when this transformation happened. I had forgotten who I was. I can't really say that. I had not forgotten - I had just lost her.
Since I have lived here in the Midwest, I had hidden who I really was. I tried to be like everyone else - and the funny thing is - I didn't even like who everyone else was. In the middle of all of this, I became afraid to be who I really am. Then, I bought the first pair of cowboy boots. I think they were the first catalyst. They helped me decide that I didn't NEED to be like everyone else.
I have spent a lot of my life afraid. Not really afraid, just fearful. Fearful that people will figure out who I am and not like me. I made a list of why people should just bite me...it included spending 10 years as a Marine, being a military policeman, running 2 marathons, competing in 10 triathlons, serving in Desert Storm, being the only female in all male units, not once, twice but three times, being jumped by a guy who tried to rape me and I pulled his eye out and held him off until someone came, being bolder than the truck full of men who think they are going to hurt you. And yet, I am afraid people won't like how I dress, or they will question my sexual orientation or think I am not a good wife or not have an important job.
The great thing about all of this thinking that I've been doing while I am running/walking is that it has helped me find me. And I didn't really even know where I last saw me.
There is definitely a connection between the running, forgiving and finding me, I just have to figure out how it all works. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow while I'm running....
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Day Sixteen: What a long day
Today, I worked 10 hours with children under 2 years of age in a building where the AC wasn't working. I'm not sure who was whining more - me or the children. It finally came back on at about 4:30 and I left at 5:30. I came home, changed clothes and ran.
Let's just say that this wasn't the best run I have ever had. I am connecting my running with less and less walking, but it was slow. The long day and working in the heat zapped my strength. But I kept going. And MAN, did I want to stop!!
I have started to move further down "the list". By starting with what I thought would be the hardest people, it has certainly put some perspective on the rest. Everything else is easier. If I can forgive those who hurt me on purpose, then letting go of the guy that cuts me off in traffic is easy.
Except for forgiving myself. That continues to be the hardest one yet. I am still trying to ask myself "Would I say something like that to someone else?" every time I think something mean about myself. I am really trying to treat myself with respect and love. It is unacceptable that I become my own abuser.
Since I have been able to start the forgiveness, it's as if I dropped off huge baggage and just left it somewhere. I have quit dragging it around and then dragging out all the hurt and re-living it remind myself why they didn't deserve to be forgiven.
That's how I know I have forgiven - I have stopped re-living the things that made me hurt and angry. I just don't NEED to go there anymore. Now, if I could just do that with the things I can't seem to forgive myself for...
Let's just say that this wasn't the best run I have ever had. I am connecting my running with less and less walking, but it was slow. The long day and working in the heat zapped my strength. But I kept going. And MAN, did I want to stop!!
I have started to move further down "the list". By starting with what I thought would be the hardest people, it has certainly put some perspective on the rest. Everything else is easier. If I can forgive those who hurt me on purpose, then letting go of the guy that cuts me off in traffic is easy.
Except for forgiving myself. That continues to be the hardest one yet. I am still trying to ask myself "Would I say something like that to someone else?" every time I think something mean about myself. I am really trying to treat myself with respect and love. It is unacceptable that I become my own abuser.
Since I have been able to start the forgiveness, it's as if I dropped off huge baggage and just left it somewhere. I have quit dragging it around and then dragging out all the hurt and re-living it remind myself why they didn't deserve to be forgiven.
That's how I know I have forgiven - I have stopped re-living the things that made me hurt and angry. I just don't NEED to go there anymore. Now, if I could just do that with the things I can't seem to forgive myself for...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Day Fifteen: Maybe I should stop whining...
Today's walk was great. A little hot, but still beats cold!! I walked further than I have before and it is mostly shaded so it was nice. I'm feeling stronger and stronger and look forward to when I will run everyday.
God is pretty funny, isn't He? Last night I got a call from one of the top two people on the forgiveness list. The weirdest part was what I DIDN'T feel. I didn't feel angry, resentful, bitter or annoyed. This was just a telephone call with someone I know. I think the forgiveness has given me the ability to see this person how God does - wounded. It doesn't change what they said or did, but I can see past that now. They hurt me just as I have hurt others. And I don't like to think about that part.
While I was walking today, I was thinking that my refusal to forgive was also leading me to expect behaviors from people who were totally incapable of performing those behaviors. All this time, I have been planting acorns and wanting a palm tree. No matter how mad I get at the tree, it's still an oak. And it's not the oak's fault. I didn't hurt these people originally, but I have lived with the results. It doesn't hurt any less, but I have a clearer view of the situation. Forgiving these people has allowed me to better understand where their pain has come from. When I think about all of this from a more objective point of view, I am able to show compassion and mercy for their pain and disappointment. And surprisingly enough, I have been able to not take things as personally.
This has also helped me to function more realistically. I no longer expect behaviors that will not come. Even with all the disappointments of not receiving what I needed from them, I still kept expecting it. Boy, that makes me sound crazy!?!? The best part is, Since I started forgiving, I have been able to see that God has been providing what I needed from other sources. I was so caught up in whining, I couldn't see the gifts I had been given.
New decision: stop whining!!
God is pretty funny, isn't He? Last night I got a call from one of the top two people on the forgiveness list. The weirdest part was what I DIDN'T feel. I didn't feel angry, resentful, bitter or annoyed. This was just a telephone call with someone I know. I think the forgiveness has given me the ability to see this person how God does - wounded. It doesn't change what they said or did, but I can see past that now. They hurt me just as I have hurt others. And I don't like to think about that part.
While I was walking today, I was thinking that my refusal to forgive was also leading me to expect behaviors from people who were totally incapable of performing those behaviors. All this time, I have been planting acorns and wanting a palm tree. No matter how mad I get at the tree, it's still an oak. And it's not the oak's fault. I didn't hurt these people originally, but I have lived with the results. It doesn't hurt any less, but I have a clearer view of the situation. Forgiving these people has allowed me to better understand where their pain has come from. When I think about all of this from a more objective point of view, I am able to show compassion and mercy for their pain and disappointment. And surprisingly enough, I have been able to not take things as personally.
This has also helped me to function more realistically. I no longer expect behaviors that will not come. Even with all the disappointments of not receiving what I needed from them, I still kept expecting it. Boy, that makes me sound crazy!?!? The best part is, Since I started forgiving, I have been able to see that God has been providing what I needed from other sources. I was so caught up in whining, I couldn't see the gifts I had been given.
New decision: stop whining!!
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