Day Fourteen: Two complete weeks!!!

Today is the 14th day since I have started this. It's gone so fast. Today, Joe and I used the car to determine the distance I have been running/walking. It turns out to be almost 1.5 miles and today, I ran farther than ever before. In fact, I think I only walked about 150 yards out of the whole distance - and that wasn't even all at once. And I felt the best I have felt yet.

It's odd - 1.5 miles is the distance that women Marines run for their physical fitness test. The maximum amount of time to run it and still pass is 15 minutes. I ran/walked it this morning in 22 minutes. Not great but Marine Corps standards, but not bad for an old fat girl who hasn't run in a long time. And no one was even chasing me.

This is the first time in my life that I have ever run to just run. When I was a Marine, I ran to keep my weight down and for career enhancement. I've never run without a goal - training for a marathon, trying to get to a particular weight, training for a triathlon or cardio to get ready for a body-building contest. SO, to just run to run, feels very different.

In this same vein, I am not good at living in the moment. I have always been goal-oriented and I live from point to point. Graduate from this, achieve that, get married, have a baby, and the saddest thing is that I'm really competitive about it all. I finished first in my Marine Corps Boot Camp class, and that was a proud moment, but in retrospect, the graduation lasted maybe an hour. The boot camp experience was what actually changed me and it lasted 12 weeks. The same thing with Joseph's pregnancy. It was horrendous. I spent most of the time worried and on bed rest. I feel sorry that I didn't really enjoy the experience and it will be the only time it will ever happen in my life.

I can't put my finger on exactly when I forgave the first two people on the list. It wasn't like "oh yeah, I've reached forgiveness of _____________". It was more like I quit thinking about it. At all.

That was when I realized that I have spent 50 years viewing life as a destination, not a journey. As I was living goal to goal, it was easy to become competitive and continually compare my progress to those around me. I wasted all this time comparing myself to everyone else, when I could have been learning more about me and becoming a better me.

So, along with running and forgiveness, I have decided to do my best to start living in the moment. It is not easy and it takes alot of focus. I started with living in the moments of running. In the past, I have spent whatever time I was running just wishing for it to be over - unless there was a great song on. Now, I am trying to feel every moment - every feeling of running. That was how I realized that I didn't want to quit because things hurt, I just didn't want to do it anymore. When I started feeling everything, I found it didn't really hurt at all. It does give the activity value and relevance to my existence. I'm not just passing time, I am changing who I am with every step.

If life were just a destination, then I think I might have gotten off the bus at the wrong stop because this is definitely not where I wanted to end up. It is really sad that it took 50 years for me to quit wishing my life away. But, better late than never....

Day Thirteen: Day of rest??????

When I promised last Sunday that I was going to keep the Sabbath as God had directed, I totally forgot that we were going to have car wash for the Central High School Wrestling Boosters on Sunday. Do you suppose God would be offended if I observed the Sabbath on Memorial Day? It is a national holiday.

It has been a great day though. Good fun at church and a productive car wash for the wrestlers of Central High School.

Grant did a great job this morning discussing the myth of whether Christianity is still relevant. But it has started me wondering...maybe it is the relationship with Christ that is still relevant, but Christianity? I guess Christianity is the act of having a relationship with Christ, only then you have to be associated with Christians, and as a group, they are hard to take. When people say Christianity, we think about denominations and traditions and how we do this and you do that....the real issue gets lost in the differences. We all forget that this whole thing started because Christ died for us and we love Him.

The relevance is really about whether I am willing to allow God to be in charge and to believe that He has my best at heart. THAT is never irrelevant. It's easy to get all caught up in life and get disappointed that things haven't turned out like I want, and doubt that God (or Christianity)is relevant or even there. i don't think that I question whether what I believe is relevant, it is that I want to have a temper tantrum because it's not all about me. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I don't think I doubt the relevance of God, I just can't see the end. It's like when I watch a football game and think because I saw the 3rd quarter, I know how it's going to end. Only He knows how and when it will end, and what I DO know is relevant - is that we win.

Day Twelve: Work, Work, Work

I have gotten A LOT accomplished today!! I got up at 3:45 because I couldn't sleep and was working on some sewing. I then went back to bed about 6:00 and got up at 9:00. Joe and I started on the bathroom by moving everything out. Then, Joe and I painted our bathroom. We cleaned and cleaned and then I finished making the shower curtain and the curtains for the window and put everything back in there. Then I decided to mow the backyard since I had not done it the other afternoon. After all of this, I decided that I was going to count the mowing as my walk. You know, there's nothing like hard work to make you feel good. And you know how I love to mow!

I am continuing to make every attempt to forgive myself. It is getting a little easier. When I find that I am saying mean things to myself, I ask myself if I would say this to anyone else. Then, I forgive myself for saying it. I will continue until I believe it. It is certainly working for the other people on the list. And I need to be forgiven as much as they do.

Day Eleven: WOW!!

This was the best running day so far. I have been running/walking and working on making the walking sections smaller and smaller. Today, I almost connected all of the running. I was really proud of myself and except for being so hot, it wasn't that bad. When I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, I just tell myself "so what - keep running". So far, so good.

The Forgiveness Project is rolling right along. I am finding I am having to remind myself I am forgiving people less and less and the Voice is almost non-existent. I am still having some trouble forgiving myself but I knew this wouldn't be easy. Now, when I start to think mean things about myself, I say "Today, I am going to forgive myself" and when I think "I don't want to", I reply " I don't care if you don't want to, you're going to."

I've got a new mantra for when I care about what people think of me - it won't surprise some of you - "Bite Me!!". Today when I was running, I was thinking about all the things I've done in my life. I have played the piano at Carnegie Hall, spent 10 years in the Marine Corps, almost died having a baby, loved and been loved. What do I care about what other people think of my life???? I have friends I have kept for more than 20 years and I make new friends daily. I love my husband and son and enjoy the life God has given me. I wear cowboy boots all the time and now I am running - so there!?!?!?!

Day Ten: Mowing as Therapy

Today I decided to mow instead of walk. This is because I could literally make hay of my yard. I knew this was the only time I might have. It actually took me longer to mow than I usually walk. And it was A LOT more work. I thought I was going to die of heat exhaustion. I guess you know I didn't.

I love to mow because it gives me time to think. I was thinking about yesterday's blog and my resistance to forgiving myself. Sometimes, even when things aren't working for me, I am hesitant to change because I am afraid. This is my hell and I know how to function in it. What would it feel like to forgive myself? Would I have to treat me differently? Would I have to think nicer thoughts about me? This is unchartered water. I have never been nice to me. Oh man, I need to forgive me for that. See, it just goes on and on and on......Well, tomorrow I am going to mow the backyard, so I'll have more time to think.

Day Nine: But I don't want to!!!

Today I ran further than I have run since I started this. i noticed that it is not that I stop running because I can't keep going - it's because I don't want to do it anymore. My legs don't really hurt and my lungs don't really hurt - I just don't want to do it. This is why I don't use a treadmill. If I did, I would just get off. But, when I am halfway out, I have to get back home - whether it is by walking or running. I forced myself to keep going even when I didn't want to.

I think that is how I feel about forgiving too. In the beginning, I still didn't want to forgive the first people on my list. That's right - there is a list of people to forgive. But, I kept telling myself I was going to do it. I've done rather well with the first couple of people, but I am having a REALLY hard time with me.

I knew there was a secondary gain to not forgiving the first couple of people. I would be giving up feeling "better than" by knowing that I didn't think they deserved my forgiveness. But, I have come to realize that forgiving isn't about deserving or about me - it's what God has asked me to do. It is also making me feel better, which is an even better secondary gain. I have taken the resentment and bitterness of not forgiving and replaced it with compassion and mercy.

The problem with forgiving me is that I have to replace self-loathing with something. God would suggest loving myself as He does, or even just acceptance. But, I realize that not forgiving myself has been going on a long, long, time. I've gotten really used to living this way. When I forgive others, it doesn't require anything of them. They don't even know. But, if I forgive myself, it does require something of me. A reaction of change. I have to start thinking and treating myself differently. But what if I just don't want to......

Day Eight: Oops - AGAIN

I thought for sure I had clicked on the "Publish Post" button, but apparently I hit the "SAVE NOW" button, because the blog was not put up. Someday, I'll figure all of this stuff out. LOL

I walked today further than any day yet. It was not too bad. The weather was humid, but not too hot. I am forcing myself to not hide my walking/running. I was walking/running to the park near my house and then go around the path there. The park is hidden and doesn't have any parking spaces, so the only people who go there are those of us who live nearby. Now, I am walking/running through the neighborhoods around my house.

I had to say "Today I am going to forgive myself" more times than ever today. Everyone else is getting easier to forgive and I am getting harder. And I find it's a lot harder to say "Who cares?" when I can't forgive myself. It seems that there is some connection between my inability to forgive myself and caring about what other people think of me. Hmmmmm