I'm feeling WHATTTTT?

I like to think that I am flexible, spontaneous and easy-going. I am none of these. Instead, I am delusional. I have pretended to be these things for so long, I can't even remember NOT pretending to be them. Except delusional, of course. I don't have to try hard to be delusional. This has caused a great amount of internal stress for me. If you are not flexible, every time things don't go as planned, it can make me feel anxious and I just pretend like I don't feel this way.

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to find out the results of some tests I had done last week. I found out that my thyroid is not working correctly. While there, my doctor asked me how I was dealing with Celiacs Disease. I told him I was following the eating plan and being careful to not make any mistakes. He said that wasn't what he meant. He asked how I was FEELING about it. What a weird question.

It's funny, but I really only have a couple of feelings. I feel happy or angry. Every feeling I have shows itself in one of those. If someone hurts my feelings, I could never admit that, I only say "I am so mad." Even my depression manifests itself in anger - usually at myself, but sometimes at the world. I have often wondered if I let go and just felt what would happen? Would I just fall apart? Would I go crazy? Try as I may, though, I have a difficult time feeling. There are times when I feel undiluted joy - that is always when I am playing the piano. Almost every time I am at church and lots of times when I am playing at home, just me and God. Every other feeling is foggy - like looking at a picture that is out of focus.

I was considering how I have reacted to finding out I have Celiacs Disease. I realized that one day I ate what I wanted, and the next day I didn't. So much for that - move on. My doctor wanted to know if I had adequately grieved the loss of some of my favorite foods. That never even had occurred to me. But, I've got to tell you...I REALLY miss cupcakes and pancakes. If I were to KNOW that Christ was coming tonight, the Last Supper has already been planned. It's almost like food porn...I sit and think about it. That's just sick.

But, I had been very discouraged because I had been running everyday and watching what I was eating and I still wasn't losing weight. When I went to the doctor for a 6 month check-up, I finally told him all of this. He had some test ordered and found out that my thyroid is barely working at all. It certainly explained alot of things - I thought for sure I had Alzheimer's. I was forgetting things and getting confused and my muscles hurt and I was hot all the time, but not like hot flashes. Now, I find out that all of those are directly related to the thyroid. I was so relieved to find out that I am not going crazy. Well, that part is still not confirmed, but at least I know why some things are happening.

Well, with all of this pretending and not feeling, it's a lucky thing I got a Master's Degree in Psych....I don't think it's helping all that much.