Sunday, June 16, 2013

Ginger or May Ann?????

I think you can tell alot about both guys and girls when you ask this...
"Who would you want to date - Ginger or Mary Ann?"
"Who would you rather be - Ginger or Mary Ann?"

I have noticed that girls who wanted to be Ginger were kind of high maintenance. I don't mean this is a bad way - just an observation. She was a movie star, remember? And she wore that sequined gown all the time.

And the boys who want to date Ginger

I never wanted to be Ginger. I was always Mary Ann. Just saying....

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The summer of the better me....

I have been working out with a vengeance!! The Better U Challenge is going strong and I am trying to become a better Ginger!! I am eating better and I am working out almost every day. I am also attending Overeater's Anonymous and working the 12 steps. This has proven to be quite enlightening.

It is hard to realize that I have played a rather large part in some of the bad things that have happened to me. By working through Step 4, I have determined that I started the ball rolling in many cases with regard to bad events. I can be my own worst enemy.

It is nice to be in a group of people, though, who understand where I am coming from. They, too, are working through their own stuff and are supportive. I am so grateful that I found this opportunity. I am so thankful as well for the friend who invited me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Augh! I forgot about this....

I had forgotten about how sore I get when I start running. Ok, so the other stuff that HAD been hurting isn't hurting anymore, but now my muscles are SO sore. I know it will end but for now, it's killing me. I feel like I look about 100 yrs old getting in and out of my car.

But today I feel much better. I ran and rode my bike. I have decided to ride in the Tour de Cure with some friends. I am going to ride the 32 mile course. And I am going to raise $150 for diabetes. Ain't I special????

The weirdest thing happened yesterday at Wal-Mart. I was pulling my car around in front of the doors and this little old lady stepped out from behind the pole. She was using oxygen and pulling the little oxygen canister behind her. Because she was standing behind the pole, I didn't see her and I stopped the car quickly. OK - I had to slam on the brakes. She shot me the bird!!! Can you believe that? THEN, she walked right out in front of the car, stopped and shot me the bird AGAIN!! I couldn't believe it.

It made me that what I would have been like if I hadn't come back to Jesus? Because I was certainly that way in another life. Way back in the 80's and early 90's, that was me. It made me pray for her instead of running her over with the car. OK, that's not the only reason I wasn't going to run her over...there were ALOT of witnesses.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

This can't be what works...

Well, boy have I missed you!! Things have been so crazy and I don't even know where to begin. I do know this...I have discovered that I have a hard time writing when things aren't going well. I think it is because I figure that unless I have something great, inspiring, funny or I don't know, world-changing to say, there's no reason to write. And, I have had a difficult time putting one foot in front of the other, much less have anything interesting to say.

When we returned from Florida, WAYYYYY back in November, my job was killing me. I was working at least 10 hours a day and every time I planned to run or work out, something came up and I never made myself a priority. So, I decided to leave the daycare. I had some misguided idea that I would sell insurance. Now that you have stopped laughing - let me explain. I thought that I would use my personality to make money. That kind of sounded prostitution, didn't it? And, it kind of was. I only lasted a week. I felt like a failure. During all of this, I never asked God what He thought. I did kind of run it past Him, but I didn't ask His opinion or permission. So, He stepped in. Because like a bad two year old, left to my own devices, I WILL hurt myself.

It was my third day selling insurance when I realized that I couldn't do this. It was a Wednesday, and by God's hand, I began talking to Patti at church about the pastoral care ministry. One thing led to another, and in the course of a couple of days, I had quit the insurance business and was preparing to work on becoming a licensed counselor in Missouri.

I truly believe that this is what God has always intended for me to do. Way back when I graduated from Evangel, I had a job lined up at the Greene County Jail working with inmates and I loved that work. The state cut funding, I lost my job, right when it started, and then I believe for the following 9.5 years, I had a temper tantrum. A really BIG temper tantrum!! God didn't let me do what I thought I wanted, so I'm not going to do anything at all. So, I continued to take jobs teaching preschool, which I loved, but I don't think that was REALLY where God wanted me and I didn't really care.

In addition to all of that - I was in alot of physical pain. I wasn't sure what was wrong but I hurt all the time. At night, in the daytime, I couldn't walk right and people were always asking me why I was limping. I didn't want to go to the doctor for fear that it would be alot of money with no diagnosis. I had tried walking and it hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. On Monday, Joe came home for lunch and said he was going to run. I said I would go with him.

Oddly enough, running made me feel better. I don't hurt as bad, I don't walk funny and I just feel better all over.

Now, this makes me wonder...why would something that I hate doing and that you would think would make me hurt worse, makes me feel better?? All I know, is that I remember feeling better back when I was running all the time. Why would God have it so that the one thing I hate doing makes me feel better? I don't know and I don't care....

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Do you know who your family is????

Whew!! This has been quite the week. We arrived in Florida on Monday. We have spent every evening with my family. And so far, I have not lost it.

I do have to ask, though - do we have to LIKE our families? I have forgiven them, I have prayed FOR them and ABOUT them. I have been patient and even tried to be kind, and the reality is, I don't like them. I am still thinking that I was switched at birth at the hospital. You might think that I am just wishing, but it did happen at the hospital I was born at around the same the time I was born. It certainly would explain alot of things.

The longer I have been around them, the more confused I have gotten. I don't think the same way they do, I don't believe the same way they do, and I certainly don't act the way they do. I do believe my real family is looking for me.

I think the Forgiveness Project has worked. There is no way I could have spent this much time around them if I had not forgiven them. Even some of the same mean things were said to me that had been said when I was young and I was able to just ignore them. I know I could not have done this if I hadn't forgiven them. Or maybe I just have arrogantly believed I am better than they are - either way, it didn't hurt me like it would have in the past. So, I know that all of the work has been a success. The goal was to not allow them to hurt me and they haven't.

It feels as if I have reached a new place in my life. It finally REALLY doesn't matter to me what they think. I can continue my life knowing that I live with my REAL family. Speaking of which - I have had the most incredible time with my guys. We have laughed and had a wonderful time. I am so lucky that God has provided me with a terrific husband and a great boy and it only matters what they think. I am lucky!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm feeling WHATTTTT?

I like to think that I am flexible, spontaneous and easy-going. I am none of these. Instead, I am delusional. I have pretended to be these things for so long, I can't even remember NOT pretending to be them. Except delusional, of course. I don't have to try hard to be delusional. This has caused a great amount of internal stress for me. If you are not flexible, every time things don't go as planned, it can make me feel anxious and I just pretend like I don't feel this way.

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to find out the results of some tests I had done last week. I found out that my thyroid is not working correctly. While there, my doctor asked me how I was dealing with Celiacs Disease. I told him I was following the eating plan and being careful to not make any mistakes. He said that wasn't what he meant. He asked how I was FEELING about it. What a weird question.

It's funny, but I really only have a couple of feelings. I feel happy or angry. Every feeling I have shows itself in one of those. If someone hurts my feelings, I could never admit that, I only say "I am so mad." Even my depression manifests itself in anger - usually at myself, but sometimes at the world. I have often wondered if I let go and just felt what would happen? Would I just fall apart? Would I go crazy? Try as I may, though, I have a difficult time feeling. There are times when I feel undiluted joy - that is always when I am playing the piano. Almost every time I am at church and lots of times when I am playing at home, just me and God. Every other feeling is foggy - like looking at a picture that is out of focus.

I was considering how I have reacted to finding out I have Celiacs Disease. I realized that one day I ate what I wanted, and the next day I didn't. So much for that - move on. My doctor wanted to know if I had adequately grieved the loss of some of my favorite foods. That never even had occurred to me. But, I've got to tell you...I REALLY miss cupcakes and pancakes. If I were to KNOW that Christ was coming tonight, the Last Supper has already been planned. It's almost like food porn...I sit and think about it. That's just sick.

But, I had been very discouraged because I had been running everyday and watching what I was eating and I still wasn't losing weight. When I went to the doctor for a 6 month check-up, I finally told him all of this. He had some test ordered and found out that my thyroid is barely working at all. It certainly explained alot of things - I thought for sure I had Alzheimer's. I was forgetting things and getting confused and my muscles hurt and I was hot all the time, but not like hot flashes. Now, I find out that all of those are directly related to the thyroid. I was so relieved to find out that I am not going crazy. Well, that part is still not confirmed, but at least I know why some things are happening.

Well, with all of this pretending and not feeling, it's a lucky thing I got a Master's Degree in Psych....I don't think it's helping all that much.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Well, Satan is STILL in my computer. I'm ready to exorcise it.

Yesterday, as I was running, I had a profound thought. I HATE running. I'm really sorry about it, but I do. Every step yesterday was horrific. Everything hurt and it even hurt long into the evening. I am not feeling any better about it and I don't feel as though I am enjoying it any more than I was or am getting any faster. Also, that same little pug-like dog chased me again. I believe he might be one of Satan's minions. I am not sure why I am doing this. If it is for a sacrifice, I am sure not doing it with a cheerful heart. Not to mention, I hurt all the time. Not structurally, but in my muscles and I have not ever had this happen before.

I am thinking about offering a different sacrifice to God. I need to find something that I will enjoy and offer with a happy heart. I don't really count playing at church because I enjoy that SOOOO much that it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.
I want to keep my body healthy and I want to keep it youthful. I want to find something that will be enjoyable for me so that I will continue to do it.

I have found that ever since I made a conscious decision to have an impact on my world, it keeps forgiveness on the forefront of my mind. It is impossible to make a positive impact when you are carrying a grudge. Your heart is not in the right place. So, I have been praying every morning for God to help me make a positive impact and to keep an open, forgiving heart. It has really helped. I have also found that when I decided to have an impact on my world, it makes me view others in a different light. There are always people I don't like. However, being in a different position at work, and trying to make others' lives more enjoyable, I find that I don't have the luxury of ignoring or treating people I don't like different from those I do like. This is so much harder than I thought.

I am really getting nervous about going home. I will get to experience first-hand if the Forgiveness Project really did work because I will be with the people I have had the hardest time forgiving all these years. I have a little over a week, so I just keep praying that God will make the experience a positive one.

Who know...maybe I will impact their world in a positive way...