Do you know who your family is????

Whew!! This has been quite the week. We arrived in Florida on Monday. We have spent every evening with my family. And so far, I have not lost it.

I do have to ask, though - do we have to LIKE our families? I have forgiven them, I have prayed FOR them and ABOUT them. I have been patient and even tried to be kind, and the reality is, I don't like them. I am still thinking that I was switched at birth at the hospital. You might think that I am just wishing, but it did happen at the hospital I was born at around the same the time I was born. It certainly would explain alot of things.

The longer I have been around them, the more confused I have gotten. I don't think the same way they do, I don't believe the same way they do, and I certainly don't act the way they do. I do believe my real family is looking for me.

I think the Forgiveness Project has worked. There is no way I could have spent this much time around them if I had not forgiven them. Even some of the same mean things were said to me that had been said when I was young and I was able to just ignore them. I know I could not have done this if I hadn't forgiven them. Or maybe I just have arrogantly believed I am better than they are - either way, it didn't hurt me like it would have in the past. So, I know that all of the work has been a success. The goal was to not allow them to hurt me and they haven't.

It feels as if I have reached a new place in my life. It finally REALLY doesn't matter to me what they think. I can continue my life knowing that I live with my REAL family. Speaking of which - I have had the most incredible time with my guys. We have laughed and had a wonderful time. I am so lucky that God has provided me with a terrific husband and a great boy and it only matters what they think. I am lucky!!!

I'm feeling WHATTTTT?

I like to think that I am flexible, spontaneous and easy-going. I am none of these. Instead, I am delusional. I have pretended to be these things for so long, I can't even remember NOT pretending to be them. Except delusional, of course. I don't have to try hard to be delusional. This has caused a great amount of internal stress for me. If you are not flexible, every time things don't go as planned, it can make me feel anxious and I just pretend like I don't feel this way.

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to find out the results of some tests I had done last week. I found out that my thyroid is not working correctly. While there, my doctor asked me how I was dealing with Celiacs Disease. I told him I was following the eating plan and being careful to not make any mistakes. He said that wasn't what he meant. He asked how I was FEELING about it. What a weird question.

It's funny, but I really only have a couple of feelings. I feel happy or angry. Every feeling I have shows itself in one of those. If someone hurts my feelings, I could never admit that, I only say "I am so mad." Even my depression manifests itself in anger - usually at myself, but sometimes at the world. I have often wondered if I let go and just felt what would happen? Would I just fall apart? Would I go crazy? Try as I may, though, I have a difficult time feeling. There are times when I feel undiluted joy - that is always when I am playing the piano. Almost every time I am at church and lots of times when I am playing at home, just me and God. Every other feeling is foggy - like looking at a picture that is out of focus.

I was considering how I have reacted to finding out I have Celiacs Disease. I realized that one day I ate what I wanted, and the next day I didn't. So much for that - move on. My doctor wanted to know if I had adequately grieved the loss of some of my favorite foods. That never even had occurred to me. But, I've got to tell you...I REALLY miss cupcakes and pancakes. If I were to KNOW that Christ was coming tonight, the Last Supper has already been planned. It's almost like food porn...I sit and think about it. That's just sick.

But, I had been very discouraged because I had been running everyday and watching what I was eating and I still wasn't losing weight. When I went to the doctor for a 6 month check-up, I finally told him all of this. He had some test ordered and found out that my thyroid is barely working at all. It certainly explained alot of things - I thought for sure I had Alzheimer's. I was forgetting things and getting confused and my muscles hurt and I was hot all the time, but not like hot flashes. Now, I find out that all of those are directly related to the thyroid. I was so relieved to find out that I am not going crazy. Well, that part is still not confirmed, but at least I know why some things are happening.

Well, with all of this pretending and not feeling, it's a lucky thing I got a Master's Degree in Psych....I don't think it's helping all that much.

Changes

Well, Satan is STILL in my computer. I'm ready to exorcise it.

Yesterday, as I was running, I had a profound thought. I HATE running. I'm really sorry about it, but I do. Every step yesterday was horrific. Everything hurt and it even hurt long into the evening. I am not feeling any better about it and I don't feel as though I am enjoying it any more than I was or am getting any faster. Also, that same little pug-like dog chased me again. I believe he might be one of Satan's minions. I am not sure why I am doing this. If it is for a sacrifice, I am sure not doing it with a cheerful heart. Not to mention, I hurt all the time. Not structurally, but in my muscles and I have not ever had this happen before.

I am thinking about offering a different sacrifice to God. I need to find something that I will enjoy and offer with a happy heart. I don't really count playing at church because I enjoy that SOOOO much that it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.
I want to keep my body healthy and I want to keep it youthful. I want to find something that will be enjoyable for me so that I will continue to do it.

I have found that ever since I made a conscious decision to have an impact on my world, it keeps forgiveness on the forefront of my mind. It is impossible to make a positive impact when you are carrying a grudge. Your heart is not in the right place. So, I have been praying every morning for God to help me make a positive impact and to keep an open, forgiving heart. It has really helped. I have also found that when I decided to have an impact on my world, it makes me view others in a different light. There are always people I don't like. However, being in a different position at work, and trying to make others' lives more enjoyable, I find that I don't have the luxury of ignoring or treating people I don't like different from those I do like. This is so much harder than I thought.

I am really getting nervous about going home. I will get to experience first-hand if the Forgiveness Project really did work because I will be with the people I have had the hardest time forgiving all these years. I have a little over a week, so I just keep praying that God will make the experience a positive one.

Who know...maybe I will impact their world in a positive way...

Is Satan in my computer....again???

I think Satan lives in my computer. I really do!! It seems as if I can't get all the components working at once. I got my running schedule figured out and I started forgiving again and then, my computer is not working again. I have time to run and forgive on my lunch, but not enough time to get to the library and blog.

I am really enjoying my job. I am trying hard to have a positive impact on people's lives - even the ones that have to be encouraged to leave us to "pursue other interests".

My runs have been so much better too. I have really enjoyed them. The weather has been perfect too.

I hope that Joe can figure out what's up with my computer. Unlike before when this happened, I can't get to the library every day to post. Well, I could, but I wouldn't have time to run and then I wouldn't really have anything to blog about.

Do you think Satan lives in 'things'? Like my computer or car, etc? I would think he would have better things to do than worry about me blogging, wouldn't you? Like "TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!"

I will certainly try to do better about posting.

Trying harder.

What a great run today. It was cool, overcast and very quiet. I felt strong. I realized that last week I shouldn't have run 5 days in a row. I was informed by my all-knowing and well-meaning husband that I need to give myself a day of rest. He offered this information after I was discussing how slow, and horrible Friday's run was. I am now going to run 2 miles on Monday, 1.5 on Tuesday but faster and 3 on Wednesday. Then, take Thursday off and run 1.5 fast on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I hope it helps. I'm not exactly sure what it's going to help, but I feel confident it will help something.

I also worked on forgiving this morning. I work up and on the way to work, I reminded myself that I was going to forgive and also have an impact on those around me everyday. It went pretty well. I tried to be kind and understanding. I also tried to be honest and open. AND - I didn't hit anyone.

I am surprised that I didn't remember that God never really makes becoming a better person easy, does He? I wish I could just fix something once - and that's it - it's fixed. But, I have to keep staying on top of things so that I don't regress. And I regress WAY faster than I make progress.

Oh well, at least He gives us a long time to try to get it right....