Just when I needed it......

I feel so bad that it's been over a week since I've posted. I certainly didn't mean for that to happen - it's been crazy.

I've continued to run - some good and some bad. Today I was chased by a ferocious, barking, small terrier-like dog. But, I outran him!! I was so proud - and a little scared. It's those little ones that can really hurt you. It was a great day and I really enjoyed the run.

Lots of things have transpired since I last wrote. Didn't that sound SO much better than, "Wow, lots has happened"? I thought so too.

First, I have the opportunity to go back to work at my old daycare, only I will be the Assistant Director. When the position came open, I decided that I could help make the work environment a lot better. I have really missed being around the kids and this will certainly fund the trip home. Speaking of which....

I have also decided that I am a big enough girl with incredible social and mental skills that I can go visit my family without suffering a mental break-down. I am going to do this by having a plan to escape in the event that things go downhill. Isn't that grown-up of me?

Last Thursday, I got the opportunity to play with some worship team members at the Influence Conference for the Assemblies of God. It was so much fun!! One of the best days I've ever had.

The first speaker was a woman from Nashville who was talking about being authentic and how churches can create the environment so that it makes it easier for people to be honest and open up about the things that they carry as a burden. The strange thing is that I decided to sit in on that speaker. I was going to just hang out and then I met her in the green room and we talked about blogging, etc. So, I thought I would see what she had to say. During the course of the talk, she was open about having the same addictions as I have. She was so open and honest in front of all those Assemblies of God pastors. She is my hero. Of course, she did talk about how not everyone has been accepting. It was just such a miracle to me that I got to hear her, and then speak with her. I don't think it was an accident....

The thing is, I've struggled recently SO much with temptation and it came at the most opportune moment. I hadn't succumbed to temptation, so this was like a lifeline. Isn't it weird how God know just when we need something....oh yeah, He's God.

Living OUT LOUD!!!

This morning was a very long, hot, humid, slow, and frustrating run. It gave me alot of time to think about some things.

I have a confession to make. I have noticed that if I am having a bad day, or week, I don't want to blog. It's because I don't want people to know that things aren't going well in my life. I think I should not have any complaints because I am blessed. I was one of those kids who when they were getting spanked, wouldn't cry to give the spanker the satisfaction of knowing that it hurt me. So, I want the world to think that everything is going great in my life. ALL THE TIME. The reality is - NEWSFLASH: it doesn't..

SO,

As I was running today, I heard Rob Thomas' new song and the lyrics are:

"you can go, you can start all over again,
you can try to find a way to make another day go by,
you can hide, hold all your feelings inside,
you can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry,

And someday maybe we could figure all this out
Try to put an end to all this doubt
...maybe we'll live our lives out loud.

...you can run and when everything is over and done
you can shine a little light on everything around you."

I felt as if God were talking to me. Just when I fix one thing, I realize something else is broken.

I don't think I am being the "me" God intended. I am trying to retrieve some parts of me that I liked from be 'before' years. Before I came back to God. I used to live out loud - with little regard to what others thought. I miss that girl who was crazy and fearless. I don't want to go back completely to that girl, but I want to get back some of the things that made her so infectious. I really want to live out loud. Maybe not as loud as I was before, but definitely louder than now.

The only time I come close to feeling this way is when I am worshiping. I'd like to try to carry that abandon into my everyday life so that I can "shine a little light on everything around me".

What could happen????

This has been some crazy few days. Wednesday, I didn't get to run because of the rain. I did work out, though. Then, on Thursday, I worked 11 hours and I was planning on running when I got home, however, it poured again. I did run on Friday and it was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was planning on blogging yesterday and I worked until late and Joe and I went to the movies. We went to see "Grown-Ups" which was very funny.

As I was running on Friday, I was thinking about how I have become very apprehensive about going home. What is causing this? What could be so scary about it? I'm joking, right?

It's sad that I am so insecure about who I am that I am afraid of going home for fear I won't stand up for myself. And then there's the idea that I could be trapped there with no way of leaving.

This all comes from how I look. My body's appearance has always been a target for remarks and criticism in my family. Too this, too that....you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how I have felt about it, I still have a gut response to change it to what they want it to look like. The funny thing is - I am the healthiest person in my family. And I have a chronic disease. As I was running, I was thinking about what a weiner I am about this.

Why do I let myself feel this way? Why do I not use all the guns in my arsenal to fix this? Have I become so comfortable with the way things are that I don't want to change it? Does this give me a way out of changing by blaming others? Maybe.

I began to think about what I could do to change this. I have decided to forgive, so why not decide to change my 'stinking thinking'?

I'll be honest - it is alot easier to just keep thinking that no matter what I do they will not be happy. But, the reality is this - they live 1200 miles away, I never see them, and yet I still care about what they think? That is ridiculous!! Even as I write it , it is even more ridiculous. I am choosing to allow these people to have an impact on my life, when it is unnecessary.

So, I am going to change. What would happen if I accepted myself the way I look right now? What if I said to myself every morning, "I am so thankful for the body I have. It keeps me running and lifting. I am healthy and I appreciate what it does for me." That won't mean I won't keep working on it and have goals and expectations, but I WILL have respect and love and appreciation for it. I will feed it for optimum performance. I will treat it as God's temple and a good friend. It certainly can't hurt...