What could happen????

This has been some crazy few days. Wednesday, I didn't get to run because of the rain. I did work out, though. Then, on Thursday, I worked 11 hours and I was planning on running when I got home, however, it poured again. I did run on Friday and it was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was planning on blogging yesterday and I worked until late and Joe and I went to the movies. We went to see "Grown-Ups" which was very funny.

As I was running on Friday, I was thinking about how I have become very apprehensive about going home. What is causing this? What could be so scary about it? I'm joking, right?

It's sad that I am so insecure about who I am that I am afraid of going home for fear I won't stand up for myself. And then there's the idea that I could be trapped there with no way of leaving.

This all comes from how I look. My body's appearance has always been a target for remarks and criticism in my family. Too this, too that....you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how I have felt about it, I still have a gut response to change it to what they want it to look like. The funny thing is - I am the healthiest person in my family. And I have a chronic disease. As I was running, I was thinking about what a weiner I am about this.

Why do I let myself feel this way? Why do I not use all the guns in my arsenal to fix this? Have I become so comfortable with the way things are that I don't want to change it? Does this give me a way out of changing by blaming others? Maybe.

I began to think about what I could do to change this. I have decided to forgive, so why not decide to change my 'stinking thinking'?

I'll be honest - it is alot easier to just keep thinking that no matter what I do they will not be happy. But, the reality is this - they live 1200 miles away, I never see them, and yet I still care about what they think? That is ridiculous!! Even as I write it , it is even more ridiculous. I am choosing to allow these people to have an impact on my life, when it is unnecessary.

So, I am going to change. What would happen if I accepted myself the way I look right now? What if I said to myself every morning, "I am so thankful for the body I have. It keeps me running and lifting. I am healthy and I appreciate what it does for me." That won't mean I won't keep working on it and have goals and expectations, but I WILL have respect and love and appreciation for it. I will feed it for optimum performance. I will treat it as God's temple and a good friend. It certainly can't hurt...