July 20th: Catching up...

Well, lots has happened. I have tried to figure out the best way to cover all the information and I'm not sure there is one. So, I'll just ramble on.....

HIGH ANXIETY

While Joe and I were at the fireworks stand, we borrowed a pop-up camper to sleep in. The first night, we went into the camper and I began to feel alot of panic. At first, I couldn't figure it out. Was it because we were staying here, or was I just scared. I finally realized it was because of the camper. I started asking Joe if he was sure that it would hold both of us and and what if it fell over in the night....Well, he finally asked if I would rather if he slept on the other side to 'balance it out'. I said yes.

While laying there, we were talking about how irrational this fear is that I have that things I lay on or sit on will break. The funny thing is, I have had this fear even when I was thinner. We discussed how it had come from my family saying mean things about my weight, even though I was just normal sized. That night, I slept staying as close to the edge as I could for fear of causing the pop-up to fall over.

I have done this forever. Even when I was a body-builder, I was still worried that something might not hold my weight. I'm really trying to get better at not worrying about stuff like that, but if you ever see me check a chair before sitting down, please don't say anything.

THINGS YOU NEVER EXPECT

A few days later, I spoke with someone at the top of the 'list'. During the course of our conversation, this person apologized for anything that may have been said while I was growing up that would have hurt my feelings and made me feel bad about myself. I was wondering if I had dialed the right number.

It truly never occurred to me that my forgiving others would have an impact on them even if they didn't know what I was doing. I'll be honest, I really did it for myself. I just didn't figure in the "God effect". I didn't realize that while He was working on me, He was also working on others. I never expected to have the relationship with the people on 'the list' change. When I told them that it was "water under the bridge", I wasn't even just saying that, I meant it.

I also didn't expect to miss running so much. I have shared that I never really liked it, but I have allowed myself to participate in it, rather than just enduring it. That's another thing I didn't expect. When I began to live in the moment and make forgiveness a state of mind, I have felt my whole attitude change. No, it's not an attitude change, it's more like being able to live in peace. There are still things that make me crazy, but I hold on for a much shorter time than before.

My line from Mediacom is down, so I am trying to get to the library every day to post. Thanks for being so patient.