I think it's time for lunch!

I didn't run today because I had too much to do to get ready for the boys to come home. In fact, I woke up at 4:00am and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up, worked, went to breakfast, worked some more and took a nap and then worked some more. I probably could have used the run for a break!

Last night at small group, the question "What is the most important thing to you?" was asked. I'd like to have lied and said all the appropriate answers, but what good is that?

I just finished reading a book about a woman who was adopted and she discusses her inability to commit to her husband or even God because of her fear of rejection. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop - for someone else to reject her - even God.

When we are wounded early in our lives, it alters our ability to trust and love without fear. After reading her book, I realized that I too have lived my life afraid to give 100% to Joe or Joseph or even God, and when I do that, I am putting myself first in my life. I have lived my entire life afraid to love completely for fear that the thing I love will leave, be taken away or whatever.

We had 5 miscarriages before we had finally had Joseph. Since his birth, I have spent the last almost 16 years trying to prepare for his departure, whether it is to college or marriage or....

The ridiculous part of this is that holding back doesn't prevent anything bad from happening - it has just kept me from committing 100% to relationships.

I believe this is also connected to living in the moment. If I give every moment 100% of my attention, then there's no time to think of all the possibilities, both good and bad.

I also know that if something were to happen to Joe or Joseph, holding back is not going to make me hurt any less. It's just hurting them that I am holding back parts of me.

Last night, a friend shared with me this bit of wisdom:

"David was sent to deliver lunch, not slay a giant."

I guess it's time I start worrying more about lunch than giants.