That's a great idea!!

Well, needless to say, yesterday I was quite bummed. I just read yesterday's post and it wasn't as much of a downer as I thought it was. I was afraid I came off as a real Debbie Downer.

This morning while I was running, God and I had a long conversation. I think He actually talked to me. I know that it was God that put something into my head because it is so far from something I would have thought.

It was actually a great morning for running. It was cooler than it had been and there was a really nice breeze. I was listening to 105.1 and I was thinking about how mad I got yesterday that I didn't get that job. I was also thinking that I was acting like a spoiled 2 year old. THAT thought opened the door for the conversation with God.

While I was running, God said, "What makes you think you deserve what you want?" Now, I know that this was God, because I don't have to explain to myself why I deserve what I want. So began the following conversation:

"But, I want to do great things for You with my life." I said.

"That's crap. You want what you want when you want it." said God. Now, your God may not say 'crap', but mine did.

"But I'm smart, and I have a great personality and so You should have something really great for me to do." I replied. That's right, I told God that I was smart and had a great personality AND that He should have something great for me to do.

"What have you done with the things I have given you until now?" He asked.

I had nothing to say. He was right. I have not done the most I could with what He has already given me. I like to say I have poor self esteem, but when the truth is told, I think God should really use me because I am smart and funny and am good with people and besides, I came back to Him. So, let's just say that I am incredibly arrogant and prideful.

When I brought this up to Him in the conversation, I actually said to the God of the Universe, "But I came back to You and I want to do things for you."

"But what about all the time you were away from me? What about all the times you were mean? What about the times you did what you wanted to do and still had the audacity to ask me to help you when things didn't go your way?" I know this was God, because I wouldn't have admitted this to myself.

I was truly speechless. I realized that when I view me through "Ginger glasses", I am a gift TO God. That's pretty bold. Elton John once wrote "Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see." That's the truth - I think I'm a really great thing for God to have and use and then I don't understand why He doesn't use me in the way I think He should. I'm lucky He hasn't struck me down in the Old Testament kind of way.

God then said, "Besides, you didn't come back to me for ME, you came back to me for you." He was right. It was MY life that wasn't working for me.

I realized at that moment that I've been telling God how wonderful I am and how He should use me. I've got some serious nerve! What was I thinking? I've decided that maybe I should just start small and try to be the best wife and mother and daughter and friend that I can be, and leave the rest up to Him. There's an idea!