July 23rd: I spoke too soon....

Well, I probably should have read my e-mail yesterday before I posted that incredibly positive blog.

I had applied for a position with Springfield Public Schools that I had been asked to apply for. I found out yesterday that 5 people were asked to apply and the other four got interviews and I did not. Needless to say, that was quite the bummer.

I ran this morning and it was good. I ran the whole 1.5 miles again without stopping and it didn't hurt and I didn't want to stop at any point. Then, I went and worked out. That was great. It felt so good to work hard.

Last night I felt like I just kept praying all night long and not in a good way. Every time I woke up, and that was many times, I just kept saying "I just don't know what you want me to do." This has always presented such a struggle for me. Here's a dilemma: if God is the source of all good things, then is He the source of everything else too? This has been a disturbing question of mine forever.

I was sexually abused as a small child and I have had a hard time resolving the God issue in all of that. During the healing process, the question "Where was God?" has always been answered by other Christians with "Well, He has given us all free choice." But then, everyone claims the good stuff comes from God. That can be very frustrating when I was paying for therapy and that's the only answer I got.

I don't know what to think about all of this. I do now realize that I have serious forgiveness issues with the God of the Universe. That's bold, huh? Who am I to even ask "Why?".

One thing I know for sure, I will not walk away from God because I don't understand what is going on or I am mad that I didn't get my way. I have figured out that it is more important to fix relationships rather than just cast them aside, especially when the problem lies with me. And with God, that's the best choice.