One day at a time

This morning's run was horrible!!! I cannot believe how hot it was and how humid! And I've been trying to cut back on how much laundry I have to do, so I tried to wear my running clothes two days in a row. Let's just say that was not a great idea. I kept wondering what that smell was - it was me!! At least no bugs, dogs, skunks, or bad guys would even come close.

I did run 2 miles for the first time. More of the path is tree covered, so that was nice, but not as refreshing as I had hoped.

I've continued to think about yesterday's post. I really felt bad as I ate ice cream last night. It takes being in the right place emotionally and spiritually to make the changes needed to treat your body as God's living temple.

I was never good at monogamy before Joe. But, to be truthful, I don't think I tried very hard at it either. So, when I came back to God, I decided that I would not date for a while because I couldn't seem to do it in a way that was Christ-like. Then, I met Joe and he changed my thinking. He had a very respectful, kind and understanding way of doing relationships that was unknown to me. He made his expectations clear and if I couldn't live with that, then we would move on. I decided that I was not going to cheat on Joe, not because I was afraid he was going to leave me or what others would think, but because I loved him so much I didn't want to hurt him.

I think that treating your body different is the same way. It is not out of fear, or because I want to look hot (although that would not be a bad side-effect) but because I love God and I love the body He gave me and I am going to treat it like He actually lives there - which He does.

Let's see how well I can put this into practice. One day at a time....

Whose temple is it anyway?

Oh! was it hot this morning. And there was NO breeze! It felt like another one of those days where time was moving backwards. This, combined with the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles led to today's post.

Now, there is a disclaimer....remember this all started about forgiveness, so if I say something you don't like, please just forgive me. I promised myself that I would be true to myself and authentic, even if I was afraid of what you might think. So, here goes...

As I was running, I was thinking about how I was disappointed that I hadn't lost more weight. I have also been lifting weights, so I tried to resolve that I was adding muscle, so the scale hasn't adjusted. Then I remembered that this didn't start because I wanted to lose weight. It started as a sacrifice and gift and commitment to forgiving.

Ok, this part is a little confusing. The song "Hotel California" came on the radio, and it led to this thought: "Isn't it weird that some people are so obsessive about keeping grave stones and plots at cemeteries clean and making sure our church buildings and yards are perfect, and yet we don't feel the same way about our bodies, which are the living temples of God?"

I started running because I wanted to do something for God, and yet it didn't take long before I start becoming frustrated that I am not dropping weight. I feel alot better and the running has improved my cardio and my relationship with God. But, I wouldn't be upset if I looked different either.

God gave us this incredible work of art, both inside and out, and yet I have not been diligent about taking care of it. And alot of damage can't be reversed. I am lucky - my blood sugar has never been better and I am holding off diabetes, unlike my family.

Think how upset we would be if someone tracked dog poop into our church and no one made any attempt to clean it up. What if no one ever cleaned the carpets, or vacuumed, or mopped. That's what's happening when I eat a Snickers, or ice cream or french fries. That's right - junk food is the equivalent of dog poop.

I'll be honest - I have never understood keeping someone's cemetery plot looking perfect because they are not there! It's just an empty box under that plot and I don't associate how much someone cares about someone by how nice they keep the plot when they're gone. In fact, I think the opposite...how weird. But, I do think that how we take care of our living temples DOES show how much we love God.

I am hoping to make the running and the lifting weights about my commitment to God, not as a temple to me. It's hard, because the better I look, the easier it is to take credit and I don't want to do that. I am sure though, that I have plenty of friends who will not let that happen.

All the best intentions...

Well, my boys are back. The got in last night and the house has been mayhem ever since. I couldn't get to sleep last night, then I overslept this morning. I had to run when I got back from a doctor's appointment, and boy was it hot!! I felt very slow. I had also eaten a big breakfast, so I felt very sluggish.

Last night, about 1230, our outside dog Happy started barking. I looked out the window and she had cornered a baby skunk by the back door. Great. We managed to get her into her crate to give the skunk a chance to get away. The baby was pretty little, because she hadn't sprayed Happy. It was scared to death. It just kept turning in circles. I guess it got out the same way it got in, because Joe couldn't find it this morning.

Joe managed to get my ring out of the steering column of my car without even taking anything apart. Yeah!! I will NEVER put lotion on while driving again. Or call the locksmith before checking all outside doors. Or not make sure I have my keys in my hand before leaving the house. You get the picture.

Things have been hectic this morning. With the boys back, I have had to get groceries and actually plan the week.

Even though I wrote yesterday about giving 100%, I have already found that it has been difficult to do that in just the last 12 hours. Old habits die hard. I guess I have to just try a little at a time to open up.

I think it's time for lunch!

I didn't run today because I had too much to do to get ready for the boys to come home. In fact, I woke up at 4:00am and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up, worked, went to breakfast, worked some more and took a nap and then worked some more. I probably could have used the run for a break!

Last night at small group, the question "What is the most important thing to you?" was asked. I'd like to have lied and said all the appropriate answers, but what good is that?

I just finished reading a book about a woman who was adopted and she discusses her inability to commit to her husband or even God because of her fear of rejection. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop - for someone else to reject her - even God.

When we are wounded early in our lives, it alters our ability to trust and love without fear. After reading her book, I realized that I too have lived my life afraid to give 100% to Joe or Joseph or even God, and when I do that, I am putting myself first in my life. I have lived my entire life afraid to love completely for fear that the thing I love will leave, be taken away or whatever.

We had 5 miscarriages before we had finally had Joseph. Since his birth, I have spent the last almost 16 years trying to prepare for his departure, whether it is to college or marriage or....

The ridiculous part of this is that holding back doesn't prevent anything bad from happening - it has just kept me from committing 100% to relationships.

I believe this is also connected to living in the moment. If I give every moment 100% of my attention, then there's no time to think of all the possibilities, both good and bad.

I also know that if something were to happen to Joe or Joseph, holding back is not going to make me hurt any less. It's just hurting them that I am holding back parts of me.

Last night, a friend shared with me this bit of wisdom:

"David was sent to deliver lunch, not slay a giant."

I guess it's time I start worrying more about lunch than giants.

That's a great idea!!

Well, needless to say, yesterday I was quite bummed. I just read yesterday's post and it wasn't as much of a downer as I thought it was. I was afraid I came off as a real Debbie Downer.

This morning while I was running, God and I had a long conversation. I think He actually talked to me. I know that it was God that put something into my head because it is so far from something I would have thought.

It was actually a great morning for running. It was cooler than it had been and there was a really nice breeze. I was listening to 105.1 and I was thinking about how mad I got yesterday that I didn't get that job. I was also thinking that I was acting like a spoiled 2 year old. THAT thought opened the door for the conversation with God.

While I was running, God said, "What makes you think you deserve what you want?" Now, I know that this was God, because I don't have to explain to myself why I deserve what I want. So began the following conversation:

"But, I want to do great things for You with my life." I said.

"That's crap. You want what you want when you want it." said God. Now, your God may not say 'crap', but mine did.

"But I'm smart, and I have a great personality and so You should have something really great for me to do." I replied. That's right, I told God that I was smart and had a great personality AND that He should have something great for me to do.

"What have you done with the things I have given you until now?" He asked.

I had nothing to say. He was right. I have not done the most I could with what He has already given me. I like to say I have poor self esteem, but when the truth is told, I think God should really use me because I am smart and funny and am good with people and besides, I came back to Him. So, let's just say that I am incredibly arrogant and prideful.

When I brought this up to Him in the conversation, I actually said to the God of the Universe, "But I came back to You and I want to do things for you."

"But what about all the time you were away from me? What about all the times you were mean? What about the times you did what you wanted to do and still had the audacity to ask me to help you when things didn't go your way?" I know this was God, because I wouldn't have admitted this to myself.

I was truly speechless. I realized that when I view me through "Ginger glasses", I am a gift TO God. That's pretty bold. Elton John once wrote "Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see." That's the truth - I think I'm a really great thing for God to have and use and then I don't understand why He doesn't use me in the way I think He should. I'm lucky He hasn't struck me down in the Old Testament kind of way.

God then said, "Besides, you didn't come back to me for ME, you came back to me for you." He was right. It was MY life that wasn't working for me.

I realized at that moment that I've been telling God how wonderful I am and how He should use me. I've got some serious nerve! What was I thinking? I've decided that maybe I should just start small and try to be the best wife and mother and daughter and friend that I can be, and leave the rest up to Him. There's an idea!

July 23rd: I spoke too soon....

Well, I probably should have read my e-mail yesterday before I posted that incredibly positive blog.

I had applied for a position with Springfield Public Schools that I had been asked to apply for. I found out yesterday that 5 people were asked to apply and the other four got interviews and I did not. Needless to say, that was quite the bummer.

I ran this morning and it was good. I ran the whole 1.5 miles again without stopping and it didn't hurt and I didn't want to stop at any point. Then, I went and worked out. That was great. It felt so good to work hard.

Last night I felt like I just kept praying all night long and not in a good way. Every time I woke up, and that was many times, I just kept saying "I just don't know what you want me to do." This has always presented such a struggle for me. Here's a dilemma: if God is the source of all good things, then is He the source of everything else too? This has been a disturbing question of mine forever.

I was sexually abused as a small child and I have had a hard time resolving the God issue in all of that. During the healing process, the question "Where was God?" has always been answered by other Christians with "Well, He has given us all free choice." But then, everyone claims the good stuff comes from God. That can be very frustrating when I was paying for therapy and that's the only answer I got.

I don't know what to think about all of this. I do now realize that I have serious forgiveness issues with the God of the Universe. That's bold, huh? Who am I to even ask "Why?".

One thing I know for sure, I will not walk away from God because I don't understand what is going on or I am mad that I didn't get my way. I have figured out that it is more important to fix relationships rather than just cast them aside, especially when the problem lies with me. And with God, that's the best choice.

BIG NEWS!!!

The first thing I have to say is that we are going to Florida for Thanksgiving. My family lives in a small town outside of Tampa, however, we are going to stay at the beach for the week of Thanksgiving. My determiner of how the forgiveness is going is by seeing the people in person I am forgiving. So, we are spending the week with my family at the beach. After the encouraging talk with my parents, I realized that my mom had not seen Joseph since he was 2 and a half and my dad last saw him when he was 5. I decided that the right thing to do was go there. We will be staying on the beach that we stayed on every summer until I was 13. It is beautiful and I am praying for the best. I am so lucky that I have the best husband in the world. When we talked about doing it and taking Joseph out of school, he reminded me that if one of them was really ill, we would take him out of school and go, so why not do it while they are still in good health.

Today, instead of running, I mowed the yard. I cannot believe how much it had grown since I did it last week. I thought the grass dies in July???? It always feels so serene as I am mowing. I am not sure why but I really love doing it.

The Forgiveness Project is going well. I have moved down the list and am trying to implement it into my life on a daily basis. I don't always do so well.

I have noticed that 'the voice' is almost gone. The only thing I hear now is my own voice. And that responds, comments, degrades in the way I would, not the old voice would. I have to keep working on not being mean to myself and to forgive myself when I do. I am now the hardest person to be nice to.

Last Saturday, I accidentally locked myself out of my house about 45 minutes before I was supposed to be at church. I say accidentally, although no one really locks themselves out on purpose. I walked to the corner computer store to use their phone book and they didn't have one and were very rude about helping me. I called three locksmiths that claimed to be "24/7" and they all said they didn't have anyone available. Hmmmmm - maybe I'm confused about what 24/7 means, I don't know. Finally, I got one to come and open the front door. For $45!!!! However, he did ask me out to dinner. I politely declined. Then, on Sunday, when I fed the dog, I realized the back door had been unlocked the whole time. This created multiple situations to forgive myself. Let's say that there was ALOT of mean talk prior to the forgiving creating even more opportunities to forgive myself.

I have tried to question "Would I say to Joseph what I just said to myself?" as the premier rule about how I speak to myself. Let's say that last weekend, I have spoken nicer to people I don't even like. I am seriously working on treating myself better. Until I made a mistake in my checking account.....

You know what's funny about this whole blog thing? I had thought out my blog while I was mowing and yet, when I sat down at the library, it went in a whole other direction. Oh well - you'll get that one another day....

July 21st: Things I learned (or re-learned)

It's back to normal life now that fireworks has ended. I realized some really important things while I was there...

Living in the moment and enjoying the change in routine should be appreciated. Sitting, reading, and drinking coffee while nothing else is expected of me was very enjoyable. It reminded me of the mornings I was a lifeguard on the most beautiful beaches in the world and no one was there - just me and God. I didn't appreciate those mornings enough.

If felt good to work hard and sweat - to start a task and see it to completion and see the immediate change. Ok, so it was just moving around boxes of fireworks, but so much of what I do has very little immediate gratification.

It also changed our family dynamic dramatically. Last year, Joe and I were at separate stands so we only communicated by phone. It was lonely. This year, we were together. Joe still worked at his day job, but almost every night, he spent the night with me in the pop-up camper. We had no TV, only a radio and we had alot of time to talk. It was great.

It is so bonding to work hard together towards a common goal. It's probably the closest we'll come to what it must have been like for the old time farmers. Start with nothing and work together to the end and see the results of your hard work.

It was also great being with Joseph. He was gone working at Boy Scout camp, but came back on the 2nd. It was great just hanging with him and having him make us laugh. It was also wonderful watching him sell fireworks. He has a gift.

There were days I thought I would surely be the first person to really die of boredom. But, truthfully, how many times, as an adult, do I get to whine "I'm bored" without knowing there are things I should be doing?

I also learned some things about myself that I had forgotten. I get really caught up in accomplishments - degrees, jobs, importance...

My success in fireworks is totally built on who I am and how I respond to others. That's not something I have appreciated about myself with any consistency. Last year, it planted the seed that grew into the question "What if it's about me being me?" That idea has grown into my making every attempt to make every personal contact something Christ would be proud of.

I'm trying to take what I learned and apply it to this 'real' life. We'll see how that goes....

July 20th: Catching up...

Well, lots has happened. I have tried to figure out the best way to cover all the information and I'm not sure there is one. So, I'll just ramble on.....

HIGH ANXIETY

While Joe and I were at the fireworks stand, we borrowed a pop-up camper to sleep in. The first night, we went into the camper and I began to feel alot of panic. At first, I couldn't figure it out. Was it because we were staying here, or was I just scared. I finally realized it was because of the camper. I started asking Joe if he was sure that it would hold both of us and and what if it fell over in the night....Well, he finally asked if I would rather if he slept on the other side to 'balance it out'. I said yes.

While laying there, we were talking about how irrational this fear is that I have that things I lay on or sit on will break. The funny thing is, I have had this fear even when I was thinner. We discussed how it had come from my family saying mean things about my weight, even though I was just normal sized. That night, I slept staying as close to the edge as I could for fear of causing the pop-up to fall over.

I have done this forever. Even when I was a body-builder, I was still worried that something might not hold my weight. I'm really trying to get better at not worrying about stuff like that, but if you ever see me check a chair before sitting down, please don't say anything.

THINGS YOU NEVER EXPECT

A few days later, I spoke with someone at the top of the 'list'. During the course of our conversation, this person apologized for anything that may have been said while I was growing up that would have hurt my feelings and made me feel bad about myself. I was wondering if I had dialed the right number.

It truly never occurred to me that my forgiving others would have an impact on them even if they didn't know what I was doing. I'll be honest, I really did it for myself. I just didn't figure in the "God effect". I didn't realize that while He was working on me, He was also working on others. I never expected to have the relationship with the people on 'the list' change. When I told them that it was "water under the bridge", I wasn't even just saying that, I meant it.

I also didn't expect to miss running so much. I have shared that I never really liked it, but I have allowed myself to participate in it, rather than just enduring it. That's another thing I didn't expect. When I began to live in the moment and make forgiveness a state of mind, I have felt my whole attitude change. No, it's not an attitude change, it's more like being able to live in peace. There are still things that make me crazy, but I hold on for a much shorter time than before.

My line from Mediacom is down, so I am trying to get to the library every day to post. Thanks for being so patient.

July 18th: I'm baaaaaaaack!!

I greatly appreciate your patience. Did you wonder if I had fallen off the face of the earth? Our internet is out at home and things have been crazy since the boys left. I am frantically trying to finish re-doing the kitchen and living room before they get back. It is going well.

I have missed blogging so much. I know it sounds weird, but it is like I know people are reading it, so it is so much more than just journaling. I have missed the accountability to writing as well.

I started running again on Monday. It was really hot. But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I almost ran the entire loop the first day. So, it was good to know that I was able to jump right back in. If I run first thing in the morning, it isn't so bad or as humid and it does make it bearable. I even purchased a running pendant for myself. Because you know, I am a runner.

I have also started working out. That I really enjoy alot. It's not like I was laying around while I was at the fireworks stand, but it is nice to do something for myself that I enjoy. I hope that Joe will work out with me when he returns.

I have decided that my main priorities are running, working out and blogging, even if my internet is out. I will just go to the library and post.

I have so much to tell about the Forgiveness Project. So much has happened. I am trying to organize the posts so that it all makes sense - if that is even possible. I will begin tomorrow bringing it up to speed.

Glad to be back!!!