This has been a really hard week. I'm not sure what is up. I didn't run Thursday or Friday - it was just too hot. Even in the morning. I did work out this week though.
For as long as I can remember, I have really struggled with depression. Even when I was a little girl, I have memories of thinking that other people didn't feel this way. It wasn't until 2003 that I actually began taking medication for it. Even then, I didn't want to take it. Sometimes, I become delusional and think I don't need it anymore, only to discover that I get - I don't know - depressed without it.
I often feel like I should be able to rise above this - like I have the ability to will it away. Believe me, I've tried. And then, the people around me will ask if I have been skipping my medication. But, this week, I have taken my medication all week.
I gotten better about taking my high blood pressure medication. I have come to realize that no matter what - no matter how much I run, or how much weight I lose, or how calm I am - I have to take it because my problem is not solved by weight loss, or diet or stress management.
I'm trying to take the same attitude with my anti-depressants. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel guilty that I have to take them. I should be over it. Or I should have been healed. Or I should have out-grown it. Or something.
I can't seem to forgive myself that I need them. And I feel guilty when I am feeling bummed and I fake it around others and I feel guilty because I have to take them. So, there is alot of guilt, no matter what.
Maybe I'm addicted to guilt...
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