I'm a scaredy-cat

I know I have missed a couple of days. OK, three. I'll be honest, I didn't have anything to say on Monday. I know you find that hard to believe, but while I was prepping for the colonoscopy, I just didn't have any bold thoughts. And then, I had to take it easy for 24 hours and I just slept alot. Everything turned out ok, and I am thanking God that it was not cancer - we don't know what it was, but it was not cancer.

It was miserable hot when I ran this morning. I didn't hear my alarm, so I didn't wake up until 9:00. It was already WAY too hot. It was another one of those days when every little thing gets on your nerves - my shirt, my socks, the songs on the radio. Then, about halfway through, I thought, "What if I just relax and quit thinking about it all too much?". It really helped. I found that it got better and I was able to make it all the way home without too much internal whining.

I've had some really hard days trying to decide what to do about my future. It's funny, most people have already thought about their future long before they are 50. I'm luckier than most people. I have had opportunities that most people will never have, and yet I still wonder what my purpose is. I have spent alot of time badgering God about this. I would say praying, but it really is badgering.

The problem lies in me. I am scared. And it's a kind of fear that is so different from anything else I have ever felt. I have been physically scared LOTS of times and I know how to handle that. This is a paralyzing fear of rejection - one so strong that it prevents me from moving in any direction.

I am torn between being safe and living life to the fullest. Since I found out I wasn't getting an interview for the job I wanted, I have felt like a drowning person beating the water to death around me - wasting alot of energy and getting nowhere but feeling like I'm dying. And all the while, beating myself up because I can't figure out what I wanted to do. So, I tried to just relax and stop thinking about it.

The truth is - I know what I want to do - I'm just afraid to do it. Since starting the "Forgiveness Project", I have realized that forgiveness is the answer to so many things. Since I have been forgiving others and trying to forgive myself, I have noticed that I have been far less tempted to participate in the activities that have caused addictive reactions - and there are several. I have also noticed a difference in me - a softness that I never knew existed. I may not have forgiven myself completely, but I am able to accept more about myself now than ever before.

I want speak to others about forgiveness or parenting or promiscuity or anything else God wants me to talk about. It is just really hard to put yourself out there. I am praying that I have the courage to begin. I am not going to let this fear hold me back...