Just be quiet!!

This morning's run was so nice. With the break in the weather, it made it so pleasurable. There was a nice COOL breeze and the sky was clear and a few clouds. It felt like fall is on the way.

I have not been able to figure out what has been wrong. I have been so bummed and unmotivated. I could not find the key to what had changed. Most people don't know that I am a thinker. I spend ALOT of time pondering the things of life. But, I was foggy when it came to why I wasn't feeling myself.

This morning on my run, I was trying to figure it all out. Then, my batteries in my radio died. I have never been able to run without music. But, I didn't have a choice. The thing is, I didn't even take out my ear plugs, I just kept running. SO, I was thinking about why things had changed.

I think it started when we decided to go home for Thanksgiving. That was when I started being very critical every time I looked in the mirror and started having increased feelings of depression. I had still kept taking my medication, so it was not making any sense. I had never really had any anxiety with my depression, but that began too.

I had also become less than motivated about running. Then, it all made sense...

I think I thought that once I had forgiven, the hard work would be done. And once I had forgiven, maybe the running was over too. Now, I know that the forgiving may be the easiest part. That's pretty weird, huh? Forgiving has turned out to be a decision, just like loving. I wake up, decide that today I am going to forgive and move through the day. The more days I said that, the easier the forgiving became.
But, living with the scars and wounds is another thing. I began to be mad at me because I hadn't 'gotten over it'.

I can forgive but there is still healing that needs to be done. If you cut me with a knife, and it was an accident and you said you were sorry, the cut wouldn't heal immediately just because I had forgiven you. It takes time and medical attention. That was something I hadn't taken into account with the forgiveness. There are still scars and wounds.

This is really arrogant, but, I also thought that I could do this on my own. Not completely, because God is always involved in my life, but without my asking Him specifically to help me heal past this. Years ago, I had some scars and stretchmarks that I wanted gone and a friend told me to get vitamin E capsules and poke a hole in them and squeeze out the gel onto the scars and stretchmarks. It made a huge difference in helping them disappear. But, if I had just bought the capsules and never put it on there, it wouldn't have helped. Now, I realize that God is there especially for these kinds of things. He doesn't want me to hurt over this.

I had not thought that going home would be so scary. I had not forgotten that these were the same people who had made fun of me growing up. I just had not realized how deep the wounds had gone. I was feeling exactly like I had years ago. SO, the fear is legitimate.

Now, the responsibility is mine to grow past this. I've had a lifetime but I now need to make significant progress in 12 weeks. Kind of like rehab....Oh I meant that as a joke but it really is. I've got to become able to handle my emotions in a new and better way that does not involve self-doubt or self-hatred.

As I am thinking all of this through, I realized that the running and the working out are physical manifestations of my becoming emotionally stronger. That's why I have to keep running....every step brings me closer to the person I want to be - not afraid of what others think or say.

As I am coming to the end of my run and figuring all this out, the music comes back on. Maybe God knew I needed to be quiet to hear what He had to say.....