Who's in charge?

Another beautiful morning and a really nice run. I absolutely cannot take the shorter route anymore though because today was the fastest I had ever run it. I do have to say I was pretty impressed with myself.

While I was running, I remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. When I got back from Desert Storm, I was running with my unit on the beach, and I tripped and cracked my ankle. Well, I fell out of the run and they started calling me names, so I got back in and ran the mile back. By doing that, I tore ligaments in the ankle. It was not wise. I was so bummed, because I found myself on crutches and unable to resume life the way I wanted to. I was dependent on friends to help me get around and I had gained about 20 lbs while I was in Saudi Arabia, so I was ready to start running again. I had to lay around and I remember willing my leg to get better. I would pray and pray that I would wake up and it would be fine. That didn't happen and the reality was, I really needed to slow down and take a new look at my life. I never would have taken the time had it not been for the ankle.

I am trying to do the same thing now. I was thinking yesterday how I could push this healing thing along. Not that I can even do that. So, why do I waste time thinking about it? Because I think I am in control. Every time I think that, God gives me an opportunity to think about it...I think I'll just let Him be in charge.

Put the band-aid down!!!

This morning was a wonderful run. It was cloudy and the breeze was cool. I think the weather has broken.

I have come to this conclusion: Forgiving was the easy part. I'm surprised to hear myself say that. When I started The Forgiveness Project, I had no idea that the forgiving would be the easiest thing. Every morning when I get up, I make the decision to forgive. Sometimes, I have to keep making the decision to forgive the same people, sometimes I have to make the decision to have a forgiving spirit, and sometimes I just have to make the decision to forgive myself. SO, I feel like I have some control over the process.

The healing, however, seems to have its own agenda. It is just like when I hurt myself and put a band-aid on it, I can't force it to heal faster. I am always lifting the band-aid to see if it is getting better. Sometimes, lifting the band-aid hurts worse than the actual cut. I am doing the same thing with my emotional boo-boos. I keep picking at them to see if they are better.

I need to just ask God to help me get stronger and leave the actual healing to Him. And also, to quit picking at the scabs of my heart. I am going to concentrate on getting physically stronger and let the rest take its course. We'll see how that works...

Everything is His!!

I am so proud of myself!! I had a terrific meeting with Joe Freeman this morning. Wait, let me back up.

Over the summer, a friend of mine from another church said that she and some friends were coming to church on a Saturday night and wanted me to go with them to dinner afterwards. I said yes, of course. Well, when we got to dinner, I found out that the friends were there to ask me to lead worship at a women's conference at their church in Arkansas. Well, I said no, because I didn't think I could do it.

I have struggled with being afraid to sing for some time now, and I thought I was better, but apparently not. So, I tried to put it out of my mind. But, I couldn't. I kept feeling really convicted about it. I began to think how lucky I am to have gifts that I can use for God and then, I turn down an opportunity.

Well, something Tommy said two Sundays ago really struck me. It was before the offering when he was talking about everything being God's and He just lets us use it. THAT did it. I have not been able to get the worship request out of my mind. So, I decided to talk to Joe Freeman about helping me overcome my fear and see if he would let me audition to sing and go from there. SO, that's what we're going to do.

I am excited and nervous to see where this might lead, but this is an opportunity that I didn't want to pass up again. I sure didn't want to look back and think "Wow, I should have tried harder to use my gifts".

Oh what a beautiful morning!!

This morning was even more beautiful than yesterday. The breeze was actually cool and felt like fall. It was so wonderful. It made me want to sing "Oh what a beautiful morning". Then I remembered I am not living in the musical "Oklahoma". Wouldn't be great though, if we could just break into song when we felt like it?

I have felt so much better since I figured things out yesterday. Sometimes just knowing why helps. I can combat those negative feelings so much better when I know where they are coming from.

I have moments where I want to beat myself up because I still let the past affect my present. I just have to be kind to me and forgive myself and work to be more productive with my feelings.

Just be quiet!!

This morning's run was so nice. With the break in the weather, it made it so pleasurable. There was a nice COOL breeze and the sky was clear and a few clouds. It felt like fall is on the way.

I have not been able to figure out what has been wrong. I have been so bummed and unmotivated. I could not find the key to what had changed. Most people don't know that I am a thinker. I spend ALOT of time pondering the things of life. But, I was foggy when it came to why I wasn't feeling myself.

This morning on my run, I was trying to figure it all out. Then, my batteries in my radio died. I have never been able to run without music. But, I didn't have a choice. The thing is, I didn't even take out my ear plugs, I just kept running. SO, I was thinking about why things had changed.

I think it started when we decided to go home for Thanksgiving. That was when I started being very critical every time I looked in the mirror and started having increased feelings of depression. I had still kept taking my medication, so it was not making any sense. I had never really had any anxiety with my depression, but that began too.

I had also become less than motivated about running. Then, it all made sense...

I think I thought that once I had forgiven, the hard work would be done. And once I had forgiven, maybe the running was over too. Now, I know that the forgiving may be the easiest part. That's pretty weird, huh? Forgiving has turned out to be a decision, just like loving. I wake up, decide that today I am going to forgive and move through the day. The more days I said that, the easier the forgiving became.
But, living with the scars and wounds is another thing. I began to be mad at me because I hadn't 'gotten over it'.

I can forgive but there is still healing that needs to be done. If you cut me with a knife, and it was an accident and you said you were sorry, the cut wouldn't heal immediately just because I had forgiven you. It takes time and medical attention. That was something I hadn't taken into account with the forgiveness. There are still scars and wounds.

This is really arrogant, but, I also thought that I could do this on my own. Not completely, because God is always involved in my life, but without my asking Him specifically to help me heal past this. Years ago, I had some scars and stretchmarks that I wanted gone and a friend told me to get vitamin E capsules and poke a hole in them and squeeze out the gel onto the scars and stretchmarks. It made a huge difference in helping them disappear. But, if I had just bought the capsules and never put it on there, it wouldn't have helped. Now, I realize that God is there especially for these kinds of things. He doesn't want me to hurt over this.

I had not thought that going home would be so scary. I had not forgotten that these were the same people who had made fun of me growing up. I just had not realized how deep the wounds had gone. I was feeling exactly like I had years ago. SO, the fear is legitimate.

Now, the responsibility is mine to grow past this. I've had a lifetime but I now need to make significant progress in 12 weeks. Kind of like rehab....Oh I meant that as a joke but it really is. I've got to become able to handle my emotions in a new and better way that does not involve self-doubt or self-hatred.

As I am thinking all of this through, I realized that the running and the working out are physical manifestations of my becoming emotionally stronger. That's why I have to keep running....every step brings me closer to the person I want to be - not afraid of what others think or say.

As I am coming to the end of my run and figuring all this out, the music comes back on. Maybe God knew I needed to be quiet to hear what He had to say.....

Figuring it all out.

I am so sorry I have been missing in action. I would like to say I have been so busy that I haven't had time to write. The real truth is that I have been in the worst of moods and had absolutely nothing positive to say. So, I went with the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

I have run and it has been nice since the weather has been cooler and less humid. I have worked 3 days this week at preschool, which I have to say, always helps my mood. I have also worked out.

I went back a couple of days to read what I had written previously. I now feel even worse that I have been feeling bad since I had written that I was going to be thankful. HA! That hasn't gone well. Neither has treating my body as God's temple. Wow, I'm doing really well.

Why is it that when I decide to make conscious decisions to act in a way that is more glorifying to God that immediately things start to happen that make me forget what I promised to do. AND I felt so bummed I had a hard time moving through life.

I was also so mad at my boys I couldn't hardly stand it. The only thing about my life that has been real this last week has been the worship on Saturday and Sunday. Luckily, no matter how bad I feel, I can always worship when I'm at church.

I am going to forgive myself for not being thankful and for not treating my body well and for beating myself up for feeling bummed. I have had the worse dreams where people and things are chasing me. I don't think it is a coincidence that I decided to make some powerful changes in my life and I got bummed, can't sleep, and have bad dreams where people are chasing me. Hmmmmmmm. I've got to figure out how to have a better combat strategy because I think this might be war.....

Is ice cream evil??

This morning's run was great!! A cool breeze that felt like fall and that kind of sunshine that looks clear and makes everything beautiful. The last couple of runs were miserable - hot and no breeze.

I was talking to Joe this morning about changing up my workout schedule. I was wondering if I should maybe use the treadmill at the gym on the days I work out at least until the weather breaks. My workouts have been great though. I am so glad I joined the gym.

I am still having a hard time treating my body as God's temple. It's hard figuring out what is ok and what isn't. I had ice cream last night and it made it feel like I was cheating even though I had eaten well all day. Is it ever ok to eat ice cream? It's not like it's evil, right?

Another round of guilt, please....

This has been a really hard week. I'm not sure what is up. I didn't run Thursday or Friday - it was just too hot. Even in the morning. I did work out this week though.

For as long as I can remember, I have really struggled with depression. Even when I was a little girl, I have memories of thinking that other people didn't feel this way. It wasn't until 2003 that I actually began taking medication for it. Even then, I didn't want to take it. Sometimes, I become delusional and think I don't need it anymore, only to discover that I get - I don't know - depressed without it.

I often feel like I should be able to rise above this - like I have the ability to will it away. Believe me, I've tried. And then, the people around me will ask if I have been skipping my medication. But, this week, I have taken my medication all week.

I gotten better about taking my high blood pressure medication. I have come to realize that no matter what - no matter how much I run, or how much weight I lose, or how calm I am - I have to take it because my problem is not solved by weight loss, or diet or stress management.

I'm trying to take the same attitude with my anti-depressants. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel guilty that I have to take them. I should be over it. Or I should have been healed. Or I should have out-grown it. Or something.

I can't seem to forgive myself that I need them. And I feel guilty when I am feeling bummed and I fake it around others and I feel guilty because I have to take them. So, there is alot of guilt, no matter what.

Maybe I'm addicted to guilt...

Today, I am going to be thankful...

I actually wrote this on the 9th of August but it didn't post for some reason. Or maybe it was operator error, I'm not really sure.

I started this post yesterday after my run. I just couldn't get it right so, I just stopped.

I am happy to report that yesterday's run involved no crying. It was terrific. I felt so much better. I ran at the park again. It was pretty hot by the time I finished, but I didn't hurt. And there was great music on the radio. Today, though was very hot!! There was not a breeze and it was so humid. Still not bad though.

I have not been doing very well treating my body as God's temple. That's really sad. Then, I beat myself up about it. For some unexplainable reason, I have been feeling some really strong self-loathing about my body. When this happens, I get crazy about my diet and food. I come up with crazy ideas to lose weight like only drinking protein drinks and eating fruit.

I have Celiacs disease so that means I can't eat anything with gluten in it. Gluten is a protein in wheat, rye and barley. It is used to bind things as well so it is what holds the seasoning onto chips or things like that. This limits what I can eat dramatically. So, there aren't that many things that are good to even cheat with that don't make me sick.

I do really good making choices that are good for me when it comes to this stuff. I don't eat things that make me sick and I am trying to stay away from things that have too many chemicals in them. But, I'm distressed because I haven't lost weight. I know that I said that I wasn't going to make this about weight. OK, so I'm not doing a good job at that either. I know that I need to lose to be healthier but I don't want to obsess about it like I have in the past.

I know that this is a bold thought - but what if I just accepted my body the way it is and stop obsessing about it? I just realized that this began since we have decided to go home for Thanksgiving. My body has always been an issue with my family. I think it is because my body is so much different than everyone else's in my family. This has presented opportunities to tease me. Even when I was a body-builder, there was alot of teasing about how my body was different, not an appreciation for the hard work it takes to make your body look like that.

I need to just appreciate myself for who I am and what I look like at this particular moment. I have to forgive myself for not appreciating the body God gave me. I am so lucky. My particular body type has served me well. I do not have any major problems like knee or back issues. All the abuse - internal and external - has not inhibited my body's ability to work well.

It goes back to the idea of living in the moment. If I wait until my body looks better, that could be a LONG time. And then, what if it looks great and something out of my control happens? So, I go back to hating it? Why in the world would I hate something that God makes? OK, so I don't think He made it to look like it does today, but He did make it to look different from everyone else. Why not just relax and love it as a work in progress?

I am going to try my best to continue to treat my body as God's temple and to appreciate it as a work in progress. I am going to stop looking in the mirror and finding every single thing I hate about it and point it out, because THAT is productive.

So, in addition to forgiving, I think another thing to repeat to myself is "Today, I am going to be thankful."

I don't think this is REALLY about the Motrin

Today was the WORST running day I have had since the day I started running. It wasn't the heat because it was a really nice day - nice breeze and not too hot. I had to quit using Motrin last week before I had the colonoscopy. So, I decided that I would try not to use it again EVER. That wasn't the greatest idea I have ever had. In fact - I think it was stupid. This morning, I swear I heard things actually creak when I got out of bed and then, halfway through my run, everything hurt so bad I just had to stop. I felt more than just hurt, I felt defeated. This promptly led to my crying and sobbing on the park path. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel very weak and helpless. And then it hit me. I think it might be more than just the lack of Motrin. I think it might be Satan.

OK, here's the deal - I decided that I was going to quit worrying about money and just trust God to provide. Just when I thought I was not going to get to substitute teach anymore at my old preschool, I got more hours. Then, I decided to REALLY try to pursue a speaking career. I decided to sell Avon. I know that there are people who don't think that God really cares about the little stuff in my life. But I can't help but think that if He cares about the big stuff, then why wouldn't He care about the little stuff if it matters to me and I matter to Him?

In the last several months, I have made some huge decisions that have dramatically changed my life. I decided to start running and to start forgiving. I have decided to start treating my body as the temple of God that it is. I have decided to trust God that He will take care of me. That's more progress than some entire years in my life.

Recently at our small group, I mentioned that I felt sad that Mel Gibson had fallen so far from just a few years ago. I then said that it was also sad that He had talked about how much he loved Jesus and how making the film "The Passion of the Christ" had deepened his relationship with Him. I remarked that it was a shame that Mel didn't anticipate that when he stood up for Christ, Satan was going to notice. And wait. And then, Mel would give him ammunition.

Well, I guess I didn't think I was very important to the big plan. It hadn't occurred to me until this morning, when I was crying on the path at the park, that Satan would try to push my buttons too. My buttons are different than Mel's. I'm not going to drink and drive, use racist language or beat up my girlfriend. But, I can, with very little encouragement, beat up myself and doubt my abilities. Then, I can feel defeated and give up. That removes me from making a difference in anyone else's life. And I thought it was just about Motrin.....

I'm a scaredy-cat

I know I have missed a couple of days. OK, three. I'll be honest, I didn't have anything to say on Monday. I know you find that hard to believe, but while I was prepping for the colonoscopy, I just didn't have any bold thoughts. And then, I had to take it easy for 24 hours and I just slept alot. Everything turned out ok, and I am thanking God that it was not cancer - we don't know what it was, but it was not cancer.

It was miserable hot when I ran this morning. I didn't hear my alarm, so I didn't wake up until 9:00. It was already WAY too hot. It was another one of those days when every little thing gets on your nerves - my shirt, my socks, the songs on the radio. Then, about halfway through, I thought, "What if I just relax and quit thinking about it all too much?". It really helped. I found that it got better and I was able to make it all the way home without too much internal whining.

I've had some really hard days trying to decide what to do about my future. It's funny, most people have already thought about their future long before they are 50. I'm luckier than most people. I have had opportunities that most people will never have, and yet I still wonder what my purpose is. I have spent alot of time badgering God about this. I would say praying, but it really is badgering.

The problem lies in me. I am scared. And it's a kind of fear that is so different from anything else I have ever felt. I have been physically scared LOTS of times and I know how to handle that. This is a paralyzing fear of rejection - one so strong that it prevents me from moving in any direction.

I am torn between being safe and living life to the fullest. Since I found out I wasn't getting an interview for the job I wanted, I have felt like a drowning person beating the water to death around me - wasting alot of energy and getting nowhere but feeling like I'm dying. And all the while, beating myself up because I can't figure out what I wanted to do. So, I tried to just relax and stop thinking about it.

The truth is - I know what I want to do - I'm just afraid to do it. Since starting the "Forgiveness Project", I have realized that forgiveness is the answer to so many things. Since I have been forgiving others and trying to forgive myself, I have noticed that I have been far less tempted to participate in the activities that have caused addictive reactions - and there are several. I have also noticed a difference in me - a softness that I never knew existed. I may not have forgiven myself completely, but I am able to accept more about myself now than ever before.

I want speak to others about forgiveness or parenting or promiscuity or anything else God wants me to talk about. It is just really hard to put yourself out there. I am praying that I have the courage to begin. I am not going to let this fear hold me back...

A New Beginning

I am so sorry that I have missed 2 days. I know it sounds lame, but I have been REALLY busy!! OK, the dog ate my blog - is that better?

My runs on Friday and Saturday were also as bad as the days before. It has continued to get hotter and more humid. I have felt really slow, but the reality is that I have actually been getting faster, so now I need to extend my route to get continue my progress. And it's supposed to be getting hotter this coming week. I am going to try to get up earlier and run so that maybe it will be cooler, or at least less humid.

I am currently preparing for a colonoscopy. Oh my gosh - this is horrible. I had forgotten how yucky this is. But, it has given me an idea. I know what you're thinking - this CAN NOT be a good idea.

I have been blogging about treating my body as God's living temple and this seems to come at a good time. What if I used this as an opportunity to replace everything that is leaving my body with only what is good for me? I would never do something this extreme normally, but it is coming at a good time. I can make a conscious effort to pick the best things to go in. Kind of like a clean slate - so to speak.

I can become racked with guilt about how I have treated my body in the past. I have suffered with an eating disorder since high school. The irony - it was laxatives. Isn't that funny? I have a disease and the only way to check it is by using laxatives. So, I try to forgive myself and make up for some of the bad choices I have made.

Maybe this presents an opportunity to start fresh and make choices based on my love of God and His temple rather than irrational ways of dealing with emotions. What if every time I was hungry, I made the choice to eat, or not eat, and what to eat by thinking what is best for my body?

What if I forgave myself, and separated the eating from what I'm feeling? What if I made the choices by treating my body as God's temple and giving it the things that make it work most effectively? What if I asked God for His help in taking care of His temple? Now - there's an idea....