Day Nine: But I don't want to!!!

Today I ran further than I have run since I started this. i noticed that it is not that I stop running because I can't keep going - it's because I don't want to do it anymore. My legs don't really hurt and my lungs don't really hurt - I just don't want to do it. This is why I don't use a treadmill. If I did, I would just get off. But, when I am halfway out, I have to get back home - whether it is by walking or running. I forced myself to keep going even when I didn't want to.

I think that is how I feel about forgiving too. In the beginning, I still didn't want to forgive the first people on my list. That's right - there is a list of people to forgive. But, I kept telling myself I was going to do it. I've done rather well with the first couple of people, but I am having a REALLY hard time with me.

I knew there was a secondary gain to not forgiving the first couple of people. I would be giving up feeling "better than" by knowing that I didn't think they deserved my forgiveness. But, I have come to realize that forgiving isn't about deserving or about me - it's what God has asked me to do. It is also making me feel better, which is an even better secondary gain. I have taken the resentment and bitterness of not forgiving and replaced it with compassion and mercy.

The problem with forgiving me is that I have to replace self-loathing with something. God would suggest loving myself as He does, or even just acceptance. But, I realize that not forgiving myself has been going on a long, long, time. I've gotten really used to living this way. When I forgive others, it doesn't require anything of them. They don't even know. But, if I forgive myself, it does require something of me. A reaction of change. I have to start thinking and treating myself differently. But what if I just don't want to......