Today is the 14th day since I have started this. It's gone so fast. Today, Joe and I used the car to determine the distance I have been running/walking. It turns out to be almost 1.5 miles and today, I ran farther than ever before. In fact, I think I only walked about 150 yards out of the whole distance - and that wasn't even all at once. And I felt the best I have felt yet.
It's odd - 1.5 miles is the distance that women Marines run for their physical fitness test. The maximum amount of time to run it and still pass is 15 minutes. I ran/walked it this morning in 22 minutes. Not great but Marine Corps standards, but not bad for an old fat girl who hasn't run in a long time. And no one was even chasing me.
This is the first time in my life that I have ever run to just run. When I was a Marine, I ran to keep my weight down and for career enhancement. I've never run without a goal - training for a marathon, trying to get to a particular weight, training for a triathlon or cardio to get ready for a body-building contest. SO, to just run to run, feels very different.
In this same vein, I am not good at living in the moment. I have always been goal-oriented and I live from point to point. Graduate from this, achieve that, get married, have a baby, and the saddest thing is that I'm really competitive about it all. I finished first in my Marine Corps Boot Camp class, and that was a proud moment, but in retrospect, the graduation lasted maybe an hour. The boot camp experience was what actually changed me and it lasted 12 weeks. The same thing with Joseph's pregnancy. It was horrendous. I spent most of the time worried and on bed rest. I feel sorry that I didn't really enjoy the experience and it will be the only time it will ever happen in my life.
I can't put my finger on exactly when I forgave the first two people on the list. It wasn't like "oh yeah, I've reached forgiveness of _____________". It was more like I quit thinking about it. At all.
That was when I realized that I have spent 50 years viewing life as a destination, not a journey. As I was living goal to goal, it was easy to become competitive and continually compare my progress to those around me. I wasted all this time comparing myself to everyone else, when I could have been learning more about me and becoming a better me.
So, along with running and forgiveness, I have decided to do my best to start living in the moment. It is not easy and it takes alot of focus. I started with living in the moments of running. In the past, I have spent whatever time I was running just wishing for it to be over - unless there was a great song on. Now, I am trying to feel every moment - every feeling of running. That was how I realized that I didn't want to quit because things hurt, I just didn't want to do it anymore. When I started feeling everything, I found it didn't really hurt at all. It does give the activity value and relevance to my existence. I'm not just passing time, I am changing who I am with every step.
If life were just a destination, then I think I might have gotten off the bus at the wrong stop because this is definitely not where I wanted to end up. It is really sad that it took 50 years for me to quit wishing my life away. But, better late than never....
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