Day Fourteen: Two complete weeks!!!

Today is the 14th day since I have started this. It's gone so fast. Today, Joe and I used the car to determine the distance I have been running/walking. It turns out to be almost 1.5 miles and today, I ran farther than ever before. In fact, I think I only walked about 150 yards out of the whole distance - and that wasn't even all at once. And I felt the best I have felt yet.

It's odd - 1.5 miles is the distance that women Marines run for their physical fitness test. The maximum amount of time to run it and still pass is 15 minutes. I ran/walked it this morning in 22 minutes. Not great but Marine Corps standards, but not bad for an old fat girl who hasn't run in a long time. And no one was even chasing me.

This is the first time in my life that I have ever run to just run. When I was a Marine, I ran to keep my weight down and for career enhancement. I've never run without a goal - training for a marathon, trying to get to a particular weight, training for a triathlon or cardio to get ready for a body-building contest. SO, to just run to run, feels very different.

In this same vein, I am not good at living in the moment. I have always been goal-oriented and I live from point to point. Graduate from this, achieve that, get married, have a baby, and the saddest thing is that I'm really competitive about it all. I finished first in my Marine Corps Boot Camp class, and that was a proud moment, but in retrospect, the graduation lasted maybe an hour. The boot camp experience was what actually changed me and it lasted 12 weeks. The same thing with Joseph's pregnancy. It was horrendous. I spent most of the time worried and on bed rest. I feel sorry that I didn't really enjoy the experience and it will be the only time it will ever happen in my life.

I can't put my finger on exactly when I forgave the first two people on the list. It wasn't like "oh yeah, I've reached forgiveness of _____________". It was more like I quit thinking about it. At all.

That was when I realized that I have spent 50 years viewing life as a destination, not a journey. As I was living goal to goal, it was easy to become competitive and continually compare my progress to those around me. I wasted all this time comparing myself to everyone else, when I could have been learning more about me and becoming a better me.

So, along with running and forgiveness, I have decided to do my best to start living in the moment. It is not easy and it takes alot of focus. I started with living in the moments of running. In the past, I have spent whatever time I was running just wishing for it to be over - unless there was a great song on. Now, I am trying to feel every moment - every feeling of running. That was how I realized that I didn't want to quit because things hurt, I just didn't want to do it anymore. When I started feeling everything, I found it didn't really hurt at all. It does give the activity value and relevance to my existence. I'm not just passing time, I am changing who I am with every step.

If life were just a destination, then I think I might have gotten off the bus at the wrong stop because this is definitely not where I wanted to end up. It is really sad that it took 50 years for me to quit wishing my life away. But, better late than never....

Day Thirteen: Day of rest??????

When I promised last Sunday that I was going to keep the Sabbath as God had directed, I totally forgot that we were going to have car wash for the Central High School Wrestling Boosters on Sunday. Do you suppose God would be offended if I observed the Sabbath on Memorial Day? It is a national holiday.

It has been a great day though. Good fun at church and a productive car wash for the wrestlers of Central High School.

Grant did a great job this morning discussing the myth of whether Christianity is still relevant. But it has started me wondering...maybe it is the relationship with Christ that is still relevant, but Christianity? I guess Christianity is the act of having a relationship with Christ, only then you have to be associated with Christians, and as a group, they are hard to take. When people say Christianity, we think about denominations and traditions and how we do this and you do that....the real issue gets lost in the differences. We all forget that this whole thing started because Christ died for us and we love Him.

The relevance is really about whether I am willing to allow God to be in charge and to believe that He has my best at heart. THAT is never irrelevant. It's easy to get all caught up in life and get disappointed that things haven't turned out like I want, and doubt that God (or Christianity)is relevant or even there. i don't think that I question whether what I believe is relevant, it is that I want to have a temper tantrum because it's not all about me. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I don't think I doubt the relevance of God, I just can't see the end. It's like when I watch a football game and think because I saw the 3rd quarter, I know how it's going to end. Only He knows how and when it will end, and what I DO know is relevant - is that we win.

Day Twelve: Work, Work, Work

I have gotten A LOT accomplished today!! I got up at 3:45 because I couldn't sleep and was working on some sewing. I then went back to bed about 6:00 and got up at 9:00. Joe and I started on the bathroom by moving everything out. Then, Joe and I painted our bathroom. We cleaned and cleaned and then I finished making the shower curtain and the curtains for the window and put everything back in there. Then I decided to mow the backyard since I had not done it the other afternoon. After all of this, I decided that I was going to count the mowing as my walk. You know, there's nothing like hard work to make you feel good. And you know how I love to mow!

I am continuing to make every attempt to forgive myself. It is getting a little easier. When I find that I am saying mean things to myself, I ask myself if I would say this to anyone else. Then, I forgive myself for saying it. I will continue until I believe it. It is certainly working for the other people on the list. And I need to be forgiven as much as they do.

Day Eleven: WOW!!

This was the best running day so far. I have been running/walking and working on making the walking sections smaller and smaller. Today, I almost connected all of the running. I was really proud of myself and except for being so hot, it wasn't that bad. When I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, I just tell myself "so what - keep running". So far, so good.

The Forgiveness Project is rolling right along. I am finding I am having to remind myself I am forgiving people less and less and the Voice is almost non-existent. I am still having some trouble forgiving myself but I knew this wouldn't be easy. Now, when I start to think mean things about myself, I say "Today, I am going to forgive myself" and when I think "I don't want to", I reply " I don't care if you don't want to, you're going to."

I've got a new mantra for when I care about what people think of me - it won't surprise some of you - "Bite Me!!". Today when I was running, I was thinking about all the things I've done in my life. I have played the piano at Carnegie Hall, spent 10 years in the Marine Corps, almost died having a baby, loved and been loved. What do I care about what other people think of my life???? I have friends I have kept for more than 20 years and I make new friends daily. I love my husband and son and enjoy the life God has given me. I wear cowboy boots all the time and now I am running - so there!?!?!?!

Day Ten: Mowing as Therapy

Today I decided to mow instead of walk. This is because I could literally make hay of my yard. I knew this was the only time I might have. It actually took me longer to mow than I usually walk. And it was A LOT more work. I thought I was going to die of heat exhaustion. I guess you know I didn't.

I love to mow because it gives me time to think. I was thinking about yesterday's blog and my resistance to forgiving myself. Sometimes, even when things aren't working for me, I am hesitant to change because I am afraid. This is my hell and I know how to function in it. What would it feel like to forgive myself? Would I have to treat me differently? Would I have to think nicer thoughts about me? This is unchartered water. I have never been nice to me. Oh man, I need to forgive me for that. See, it just goes on and on and on......Well, tomorrow I am going to mow the backyard, so I'll have more time to think.

Day Nine: But I don't want to!!!

Today I ran further than I have run since I started this. i noticed that it is not that I stop running because I can't keep going - it's because I don't want to do it anymore. My legs don't really hurt and my lungs don't really hurt - I just don't want to do it. This is why I don't use a treadmill. If I did, I would just get off. But, when I am halfway out, I have to get back home - whether it is by walking or running. I forced myself to keep going even when I didn't want to.

I think that is how I feel about forgiving too. In the beginning, I still didn't want to forgive the first people on my list. That's right - there is a list of people to forgive. But, I kept telling myself I was going to do it. I've done rather well with the first couple of people, but I am having a REALLY hard time with me.

I knew there was a secondary gain to not forgiving the first couple of people. I would be giving up feeling "better than" by knowing that I didn't think they deserved my forgiveness. But, I have come to realize that forgiving isn't about deserving or about me - it's what God has asked me to do. It is also making me feel better, which is an even better secondary gain. I have taken the resentment and bitterness of not forgiving and replaced it with compassion and mercy.

The problem with forgiving me is that I have to replace self-loathing with something. God would suggest loving myself as He does, or even just acceptance. But, I realize that not forgiving myself has been going on a long, long, time. I've gotten really used to living this way. When I forgive others, it doesn't require anything of them. They don't even know. But, if I forgive myself, it does require something of me. A reaction of change. I have to start thinking and treating myself differently. But what if I just don't want to......

Day Eight: Oops - AGAIN

I thought for sure I had clicked on the "Publish Post" button, but apparently I hit the "SAVE NOW" button, because the blog was not put up. Someday, I'll figure all of this stuff out. LOL

I walked today further than any day yet. It was not too bad. The weather was humid, but not too hot. I am forcing myself to not hide my walking/running. I was walking/running to the park near my house and then go around the path there. The park is hidden and doesn't have any parking spaces, so the only people who go there are those of us who live nearby. Now, I am walking/running through the neighborhoods around my house.

I had to say "Today I am going to forgive myself" more times than ever today. Everyone else is getting easier to forgive and I am getting harder. And I find it's a lot harder to say "Who cares?" when I can't forgive myself. It seems that there is some connection between my inability to forgive myself and caring about what other people think of me. Hmmmmm

Day Seven: Staying Strong

I had to run late this afternoon after I had worked all day. It was not fun. But, I did it anyway. AND, I ran at least as far, if not farther than Saturday when I felt like Wonder Woman. I am still running/walking but I try to run to landmarks so that I know when I am going further (or not). It was slow and it was mentally harder, but I kept going and didn't quit. That is the main reason I don't run on a treadmill, it is too easy to just quit. AND you don't have to walk home.

Forgiveness is continuing to work well. I talked to one of my persons yesterday afternoon, and I found it much easier to talk to her and not take some things personally. Even when they are meant that way. It was much easier to just let things go and not react - either mentally, emotionally or verbally.

I think when I was not forgiving, it was a way to keep it being "all about me". What people have done TO me, said ABOUT me, think OF me...when the world doesn't revolve around me at all.

It is also helpful when people who are not necessarily my friends, maybe just acquaintances, do or say things that are annoying, hurtful, or sarcastic. It is easier to see things from their point of view. I've begun to realize that not everything that is said or done TO me has to have a reply or reaction FROM me. I have a choice to just let it go. That was very empowering.

Of all the people I am trying to forgive, it is me that seems to be giving me the most trouble. I have to repeat "Today, I am going to forgive myself" more that any other of the forgiveness statements. Maybe it is because I know my own motives. Or maybe I have taken over for the Voice.....now I am my own abuser. Great

I'm also trying to do better with the "Who cares??" mantra. There are a few people who I care what they think, but everyone else can just bite me. I made a bold step last night at small group by sharing something about myself that was really personal. On the way home, I was panicking about what they might think of me now that they knew this inside information. Then, I remembered that God knows that inside information and He still loves me and has forgiven me and is helping me with the problem. It's not like they haven't all sinned.

Sunday - Day of Rest

I have decided to treat Sunday in an Old Testament kind of way. Not Nazi Old Testament, but just a real day of rest. When I play at church, I don't usually get home until about 2:00. Then I frantically try to get things done. it is a lot of things, but restful it is not. So, yesterday, I came home from church, hung out, went to small group and just relaxed. It was wonderful. I think God had a good thing going with this idea of "Keeping the Sabbath". i think I'm going to keep doing it.

Day Four and Five: Oooops

I was out late on Friday and did not post the blog. I walked on Friday with my husband Joe. It was nice to spend time with him. I think the decision to run 3 days and walk the alternate days was a good one until I am able to run more. No point in pushing it and injuring myself. I have also decided to completely rest on Sunday.

Today, I ran the same route as on Thursday. Once again, I felt really strong and it was even warmer today than it had been on Thursday. I was able to run further in each stretch. It really felt good. It has been a long time since I have actually run/walked this many days in a row.

The Forgiveness Project has gotten tougher. I have to make an effort to put aside the pain and just forgive. I can't think about what has happened or painstakingly go over every detail of the offenses, I have to just decide to forgive. This isn't going to be something I automatically feel. Not after so long of nursing the grudge. I have to just know that I am doing the right thing. And I have noticed a difference. I don't seem to be as aware of the Voice even just in this week. And when it starts to talk, I just say "Today, I am going to forgive" and it goes away.

Forgiving is not easy. I think it might be like when you get married or have a child and you choose to love them everyday - even when they make you mad or disappoint you. It's been empowering to make the decision to control my feelings.

I am also working on adding "who cares??" to the mantra. It does not matter what others think about the insignificant issues in my life. Like how fast (or slow) I run, what I decide to wear or how I fix my hair. None of these things are anyone else's business.

Day Three: Wonder Woman!!!

Today I felt like Wonder Woman. Except for the costume and the hair....and the boobs...and the legs....OK so I didn't say I looked like Wonder Woman. I went a different route and I hardly walked at all. I felt so strong. And it didn't hurt so bad. It hurt a little but not near as bad as yesterday.

I've decided that in addition to forgiving, I am also going to work on not caring what people think so much. It's funny, because for someone who cares what people think, I still act kind of goofy. What does it matter what the people driving by me when I'm running think about my pace?? I'm running and they're not. So, in addition to saying "Today I'm going to forgive _____", I'm also going to say "Who cares?" In my head though, there might be a four letter word in there.

On the forgiveness front, I'm still working on forgiving the original persons, but this morning it occurred to me that I could add myself to the list. There are alot of things I haven't forgiven myself for. Huge mistakes and mean things I've done to others, and just making some incredibly bad choices. When the Voice isn't beating me up, I beat me up over those things, so "Today, I am going to forgive myself". This could be the hardest one yet.

Day Two: Oh my goodness...

I sometimes live in a conspiracy world. If that were today, the conspiracy would be headed by my body. When I started walking, I felt great. My legs were strong and I was thinking I could do this all day. Then, when I was halfway out, my body decided to start complaining. LOUDLY!!! Things started hurting that I'm not sure I even knew existed. I was seriously wondering who came up with this idea. And then I remember it was me.

And then there is the forgiving. Once again the first thing I thought when I woke up was "Today, I am going to forgive ________". I am still working on the same people as yesterday. I figure I should see how that goes before I add anyone to the list. I still have thoughts that go back to deserving the forgiveness, but I try to remember that I don't deserve to be forgiven either. So this isn't about deserving anything. It's about choosing to live a different life. One that is more Christ-like than before.

i think the combination of running and forgiving could be really good for my blood pressure. Let's hope so, this running and forgiving is so hard, I keep rewarding myself with Andy's and that can't be good....

Day One: This is going to be harder than I thought

Well, the first run was long and slow. OK, I've never been really fast, but I don't think I have ever been this slow either. I actually think time went backwards at one point. I did like my new shoes though. I am really embarrassed at how slow I am and I am certain people drive by and think "If I was that slow, I just wouldn't run." I wish I didn't care what those people were thinking. Unless they were thinking that I was wearing really great shoes.

I decided to start out running like I did in the Marine Corps - run until you can't and then walk and then run again. Repeat. It was nice that no one was yelling at me. It wasn't really that far - it just felt like it. I am planning on actually running on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I am going to walk on the alternate days. I think trying to run everyday this soon may cause an injury.

The forgiveness thing is even harder. I decided to tackle the hardest ones first. I am choosing not to disclose who those are out of respect, honor and quite frankly, fear. Yes, really, it's the fear.

The first thing I thought when I woke up was "Today I am going to forgive ___________". I then filled in the blank with who those persons are. I noticed that the Voice in my head that reacts to things I do is one of those persons I am trying to forgive. This isn't the first time I've realized the connection but the first time I've made an attempt to do something about it. Every time the Voice speaks, I say "Today I am going to forgive _______".

It's odd that it's taken such a long time for me to decide that I need to start forgiving. I think it was because I was right. Or I thought I was right. But being right wasn't making me feel any better. Sometimes you just have to re-evaluate how things are going and fix the things that aren't going well. I hope this journey leads me there.

It's Here!!!

Well, the procrastination has to end. I committed to the project by purchasing running shoes. AND, I bought the ugly ones so I wouldn't be tempted to just wear them because they looked good with jeans!

Tomorrow starts the running and the forgiving. The Forgiveness Project started because of a lesson in our small group from church. I had an epiphany!! I hadn't wanted to admit that my refusal to forgive was causing me more pain than those I was refusing to forgive. I had gotten stuck on whether they deserved forgiveness. Really, it wasn't about that at all. The old cliche about not forgiving is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die is true. I have been hanging onto pain and hurt and resentment for all this time and the only one it was hurting was me. I don't think it will be easy, but I am going to do my best to make forgiveness part of my character.

I decided to start running again because like forgiveness, it is not easy. AND I don't really like it. But, it is good for my physical health and my mental health and it is also a lesson in perseverance. As most of you know, I was a Marine for 10 years. That too, was a lesson in perseverance, however, it changed my life and made me a better person. So, every step I take will move me closer on the journey to who I am supposed to be.