Day 29: A new coat

Today's run was great!! I ran the whole 1.5 miles AGAIN! I am feeling really good about this running thing. AND, yesterday I joined Fitness 19. I started remembering how much I enjoyed lifting weights in the past and thought "Why aren't I doing that now?" So, I joined and today was my first workout.

When I was running, I was thinking about how surprised I was that I was running the whole loop without stopping again. Maybe the two times I have done it already were some fluke. I have always thought that any success I have had was a fluke. I had convinced myself that anytime I perform at an optimum level, it was a mistake or once-in-a-lifetime thing. I've always had this thought that people would figure out I was a fraud and not as good as they think I am at whatever I'm doing. I spent 10 years in the Marine Corps certain that 'they' would figure out that I was not as good at my jobs as they thought. Why would I think this?

I think it comes from what I talked about yesterday. If I don't accept my past and myself as authentic - not bad, not good, but true and real - then I can't accept any success as authentic. It's funny though, because I accept failure as authentic. As long as I try to hide parts of my past or parts of me, then I live with the fear that I will be 'discovered'.

I think this fear is based in shame and guilt. When I feel shame over something that was done TO me, I accept some sort of responsibility for what happened and the shame originates from my thought that I should have done something to prevent or stop what happened. Then, I feel guilty. I also feel guilt over the things that I have done TO others. So, if I have forgiven the person/persons who did things TO me and asked forgiveness for the things I had done TO others, why do the shame and guilt remain?

I have thought about this alot recently. I think, and I'm just guessing, but once again, the shame and guilt have to do with how I feel about me. I have to realize that the shame I feel is fraudulent. It's not that it is not real, it is just unfounded now. I have forgiven the abuser, done the work to move forward and the only person I can continue to blame is myself. So, I do that by holding onto the shame I felt about what happened. It is the same with the guilt - God has forgiven me, and I have asked many of the people I hurt to forgive me, but I am holding onto the guilt.

I think part of this is because it requires me to look at myself differently. Imagine the shame and guilt were an ugly old coat with holes that didn't do a very good job of keeping me warm. Someone told me that if I give them the coat, they would then give me a new one that is nicer and warmer, but I have to give up the old one FIRST. But, what if they don't give me a new one? What if I don't like the new one? What if the new one feels different? I think that is what I do with my shame and guilt. It's hell - but it's MY hell. Who would I be without it? Maybe it's time to take the coat off....