Today I walked. And walked and walked. It was 12:30 and it was hot! So, I walked and sweated and walked and sweated. And thought and walked and sweated.
Today, I felt like the real me for the 1st time in a very long time. It happened when I was dancing in my craft room.
Since I started running, I have purchased heels, worn sleeveless shirts, worn a skirt and made 2 more. I am not quite sure when this transformation happened. I had forgotten who I was. I can't really say that. I had not forgotten - I had just lost her.
Since I have lived here in the Midwest, I had hidden who I really was. I tried to be like everyone else - and the funny thing is - I didn't even like who everyone else was. In the middle of all of this, I became afraid to be who I really am. Then, I bought the first pair of cowboy boots. I think they were the first catalyst. They helped me decide that I didn't NEED to be like everyone else.
I have spent a lot of my life afraid. Not really afraid, just fearful. Fearful that people will figure out who I am and not like me. I made a list of why people should just bite me...it included spending 10 years as a Marine, being a military policeman, running 2 marathons, competing in 10 triathlons, serving in Desert Storm, being the only female in all male units, not once, twice but three times, being jumped by a guy who tried to rape me and I pulled his eye out and held him off until someone came, being bolder than the truck full of men who think they are going to hurt you. And yet, I am afraid people won't like how I dress, or they will question my sexual orientation or think I am not a good wife or not have an important job.
The great thing about all of this thinking that I've been doing while I am running/walking is that it has helped me find me. And I didn't really even know where I last saw me.
There is definitely a connection between the running, forgiving and finding me, I just have to figure out how it all works. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow while I'm running....
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I'm inspired by your desire to be physically fit and spiritually fit. I love how one feeds the other. It makes me think that one side of me is a bit off balance (looking at me you could easily see which part is off balance!). You have given me pondering moments. thanks!
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