Today, I worked 10 hours with children under 2 years of age in a building where the AC wasn't working. I'm not sure who was whining more - me or the children. It finally came back on at about 4:30 and I left at 5:30. I came home, changed clothes and ran.
Let's just say that this wasn't the best run I have ever had. I am connecting my running with less and less walking, but it was slow. The long day and working in the heat zapped my strength. But I kept going. And MAN, did I want to stop!!
I have started to move further down "the list". By starting with what I thought would be the hardest people, it has certainly put some perspective on the rest. Everything else is easier. If I can forgive those who hurt me on purpose, then letting go of the guy that cuts me off in traffic is easy.
Except for forgiving myself. That continues to be the hardest one yet. I am still trying to ask myself "Would I say something like that to someone else?" every time I think something mean about myself. I am really trying to treat myself with respect and love. It is unacceptable that I become my own abuser.
Since I have been able to start the forgiveness, it's as if I dropped off huge baggage and just left it somewhere. I have quit dragging it around and then dragging out all the hurt and re-living it remind myself why they didn't deserve to be forgiven.
That's how I know I have forgiven - I have stopped re-living the things that made me hurt and angry. I just don't NEED to go there anymore. Now, if I could just do that with the things I can't seem to forgive myself for...
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