Here's my hope...

Fireworks season started yesterday. I helped some friends get their tent set up and today, Joe and I will get ours. Believe me, it was alot more work than running and working out.

My hope is to continue posting through these next 17 days. I know that I will be running whenever I get the chance, but I stay at the fireworks stand 24/7 without a break unless Joe comes to relieve me to run and take a shower. My goal is to write while I am there, and then Joe will post what I have written. I have to warn you - I spend ALOT of time alone during this experience - I am liable to write about anything.

Please keep checking and Joe and I will do our best to keep it up.....

Have a great fourth of July and remember - we are at the stand on West Sunshine in the adult red light district. No plans to change careers.....

Day 35: When in doubt - BUNT!!

I ran this morning for the first time in almost a week. It felt pretty good. I had to walk some, but I ran way more than I thought I would after being sick for a week. Then, I went and lifted weights. That felt great. I forgot how much I enjoy doing it.

Yesterday's sermon was incredible. It was video cast from a church in NC. The VERY young pastor spoke about God's unstoppable power. It was the "Bunt" story that impacted me the most. He talked about his dad coaching his Little League team. They couldn't do much, but his dad taught them how to bunt. Bunting seems so insignificant. When I think about the impact I would LIKE to have in God's world, I always think about "hitting it out of the park". I think that the only way to make an impact is to make a HUGE one.

I had been thinking for some time though, about what if all God wanted was for me to just be ME. What if that's all there is? What if everyday, I tried to be the very best "me" I could be, and that was what He wanted. It doesn't feel like it would be enough or even much.

I like to think that it is the big stuff that makes the most difference. And I didn't think that forgiveness was that big of a deal. I kept telling myself it was between me and those I chose not to forgive. It couldn't possibly make THAT big of a difference in God's kingdom if I did or didn't forgive. But I was wrong. I truly had no idea the huge difference forgiving would have on my life. It has changed how I view myself and others.

I had viewed forgiving as the bunt. What you do when all else fails. But, what if it is a planned strategy to making my life better and changing the impact I have on the world around me? What if it is a path to a better me that is more useful to God?

I have also viewed being the best me as the bunt. It seems so insignificant and arbitrary. No one reports on the news about the guy who bunts, just the Pujoles of the world. But, what if the bunt wins the game?

Day 34: A day of rest.....

What a great Sunday....This day of rest thing - great idea!!! We got up and got Joseph off to camp. Then, we went to church, which was wonderful. However, you know how you know you are getting older? People who NEVER should be young before - like your OB/GYN or cops or the pastor at the 4th fastest growing church in America could be your child. Not the "I got pregnant in high school" child. No - the "I was grown-up and had a child" child. ANYWAY...

Joe and I had a great day!! We hung out and went to Lowe's and then had lunch. It was terrific.

I am FINALLY feeling almost back to my normal self. OK, as normal as I get. I plan on running in tomorrow morning and start my workouts. I am very excited about lifting weights. That has to be one of my FAVORITE things to do.

I am trying to figure out how this blog thing is going to work once I am at the fireworks stand. That will start on Wednesday and I will be there until the 10th of July. Joe will still be working during the day, so I am hoping that I will be able to continue writing and he will type in my blog. Having said that, please excuse any misspellings or sentences that don't make any sense.

I think I will go to the gym on my breaks from the stand so, I will have to run on a treadmill. I am not always good at this, because when I get tired of running, I just get off the treadmill. So this should be a HUGE lesson in perseverance.

Day 32 & 33: Whoa, I don't think anyone's ever died from this....

I didn't even write at all yesterday. I have not been this sick in several years. I'm just really thankful that it didn't happen on a week when there was alot of REAL stuff planned. I had originally planned to clean, paint and move furniture around while the boys were at Boy Scout Camp. That didn't happen.

I even thought I might run today, but cleaning the house is kicking my butt!! I might try to mow later, that way in case I pass out or die, it will at least be in my own front yard, and probably won't make the news...

But if it did....Ethan Forhetz would say "Community mourns beautiful woman who dies while mowing her lawn. Story at 10:00"...

Days 30 and 31: Too sick to run or write...

I woke up Tuesday night with what I thought was a toothache. I then realized that it was a sinus infection. I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I had a sinus and ear infection. This is the second one in a couple of months??? I was hoping to feel good enough to fun this morning, but I started and I had to turn around after about 100 yards because my head hurt so bad I couldn't stand it.

My goal is to run in the morning. I sure hope so - I hate feeling bad.

Day 29: A new coat

Today's run was great!! I ran the whole 1.5 miles AGAIN! I am feeling really good about this running thing. AND, yesterday I joined Fitness 19. I started remembering how much I enjoyed lifting weights in the past and thought "Why aren't I doing that now?" So, I joined and today was my first workout.

When I was running, I was thinking about how surprised I was that I was running the whole loop without stopping again. Maybe the two times I have done it already were some fluke. I have always thought that any success I have had was a fluke. I had convinced myself that anytime I perform at an optimum level, it was a mistake or once-in-a-lifetime thing. I've always had this thought that people would figure out I was a fraud and not as good as they think I am at whatever I'm doing. I spent 10 years in the Marine Corps certain that 'they' would figure out that I was not as good at my jobs as they thought. Why would I think this?

I think it comes from what I talked about yesterday. If I don't accept my past and myself as authentic - not bad, not good, but true and real - then I can't accept any success as authentic. It's funny though, because I accept failure as authentic. As long as I try to hide parts of my past or parts of me, then I live with the fear that I will be 'discovered'.

I think this fear is based in shame and guilt. When I feel shame over something that was done TO me, I accept some sort of responsibility for what happened and the shame originates from my thought that I should have done something to prevent or stop what happened. Then, I feel guilty. I also feel guilt over the things that I have done TO others. So, if I have forgiven the person/persons who did things TO me and asked forgiveness for the things I had done TO others, why do the shame and guilt remain?

I have thought about this alot recently. I think, and I'm just guessing, but once again, the shame and guilt have to do with how I feel about me. I have to realize that the shame I feel is fraudulent. It's not that it is not real, it is just unfounded now. I have forgiven the abuser, done the work to move forward and the only person I can continue to blame is myself. So, I do that by holding onto the shame I felt about what happened. It is the same with the guilt - God has forgiven me, and I have asked many of the people I hurt to forgive me, but I am holding onto the guilt.

I think part of this is because it requires me to look at myself differently. Imagine the shame and guilt were an ugly old coat with holes that didn't do a very good job of keeping me warm. Someone told me that if I give them the coat, they would then give me a new one that is nicer and warmer, but I have to give up the old one FIRST. But, what if they don't give me a new one? What if I don't like the new one? What if the new one feels different? I think that is what I do with my shame and guilt. It's hell - but it's MY hell. Who would I be without it? Maybe it's time to take the coat off....

Day 28: Worthiness

Well, this morning on my walk, I walked back by Wal-Mart to get a few things - and to also forget a few things. It was hot and rained a little.

Yesterday, our small group watched a DVD that talked about accepting one's past. Ir has really made me think about what that means exactly. Bad things happen to all of us. Parents and others do things, intentional or not, that hurt and change who we are. It is often said that some things, like abuse, change who we were meant to be. But, What if this is who I was SUPPOSED to be? What if bad things never happened to us? What kind of person would I be?

I have often struggled with the idea that God wasn't there for me when I most needed Him while I was being abused. But, if He intervened at every point when bad things could happen to me, would I learn anything? What would my life look like then? God has showed me how to take what happened, keep what makes me better, leave behind what is now useless, and make it a life worth living for Him AND me. Maybe it was always about me bringing glory to Him through the resurrection of my lives.

What does all of this babbling have to do with forgiveness?? Ironically, I had done the work of forgiving my primary abuser years ago in therapy, however, I had obviously not made forgiveness a way of life. Now that I am moving down 'the list', I find it is getting easier and easier to view events, people and feelings in a more objective way. I have been able to look back and find some value in events and people that initially seemed bad.

In order to accept my past, I have to find value in it, which means I have to find value in me. It has made such a huge difference to me to know that God finds value in me and can use me to His good in His world. Frankly, if I were counting on using me to reach the world, I would definitely have a back-up plan.

Day 27: What if...

I quit holding grudges
I forgave
I accepted myself the way I am
I accepted others for who they are
I lived every moment to its fullest
I refused to believe I am broken
I actually thanked God for who I am
I wrote what I believed and didn't get my feelings hurt
I was as kind to myself as I am to everyone else
I stopped judging others
I stopped judging myself
I stopped questioning everything I did
I quit trying so hard
I just am....

Day 26: This is hard......

WOW, was it hot, humid, long and the music on the radio sucked!! It is 70's Saturday, but really, what are the odds that on this miserably hot day every song that I hated would play one after another the entire run - except for some Aerosmith song that I didn't remember but did like. I ran further today than I have yet. It wasn't pretty and it didn't feel great, but I finished it.

Sometimes, God uses real-life situations to drive home a point. I run in shorts and old t-shirts. Some of these t-shirts are really big because I used to be alot bigger. When I was running today, the sleeves on my t-shirt were absolutely driving me crazy. They were so irritating. I'm not sure exactly what was different than before, but they were dripping with sweat and it seemed like they felt like sandpaper on my arms. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, except it was hot, humid, long and they kept playing music I didn't like. It was one annoying thing on top of another.

What does this have to do with forgiving? I think that I have realized that when it comes to forgiving my spouse, THAT is where the rubber hits the road. It is much like my irritating t-shirt - just one thing on top of another. And by the time everything has stacked up and I have melted down, there's no sorting it all out. And because I am brilliant (NOT), I usually just keep going until I have said something REALLY stupid. I don't know about anyone else, but I have found it easier to forgive my parents, my abuser and someone that cheated me out of money than I find it to forgive Joe. And he's the only person in my life who has stood up for me, fought for me, and loved me unconditionally. And yet, the annoying things stack up.

You're probably thinking that this has some real life connection. Yesterday, I had the meltdown to end all meltdowns. I feel horrible about it today, yet I am still having trouble forgiving Joe for what I perceive to be trespasses against me. So, when all else fails, go back to the beginning. "Today, I will forgive Joe and I will forgive me"....

Day Twenty-five: Rethink and adjust

OK, so I have been trying to post late every evening. That is not always working so well, because if I get in late, I forget to hit "Publish Post". So, I am going to start posting when I finish it, which is usually right after I run or walk or mow.

Yesterday (Thursday), Joe and I went to Callao, MO for a meeting with our fireworks guy. For those of you who don't know, or care, we have managed a fireworks stand for a couple of years and this year is no different. In reality, we live, eat and sleep fireworks for two and a half weeks. It is not so bad = it's kind of like working and camping for that time. It is VERY reminiscent of the weeks both of us spent doing active duty time when we were Marine Reservists.

Today I mowed instead of walking because it had to be done and it looked like it was going to rain. I was really mad at Joe and Joseph and I was astonished at how fast I could mow when truly angry.

One of the true tests of my forgiveness project came to fruition last night. Some things happened last year during fireworks that had left me angry and holding a grudge with someone who I work for. He was really close to the top of 'the list'. I had talked to him on the phone, but I had not seen him. The conversations on the phone went well, but I knew that I would REALLY know about whether or not I had truly forgiven him when I saw him. He walked up and I had no reaction at all. We shook hands and I knew that I had forgiven him and moved on.

I can say that I now know that I took the information that I learned about him from last year and can apply it to how I deal with him now. I FORGAVE him, but I did not forget that I need to be careful in my dealings with him. I am sorry that all of this is so vague, but I am never sure who will read this and I don't ever want to hurt someone or damage a relationship needlessly.

In the past, I would have just written him off and never had any dealings with him again. I now know that just because someone shows me who they really are, it doesn't mean I can't continue in a relationship - it just means I am careful.

I was proud to see that I had been able to move forward instead of holding the grudge. I am also able to see that every situation is just a fact-finding mission. I learn who people are, and make my decisions about their place in my life from that information. Some people are trustworthy and others are not. So, instead of being mad or not forgiving, I just take that information and adjust my own behavior.

I wish I had figured this out sooner...

Day Twenty-four:

I realized several things during my run this morning: morning is better than evening, 3 days in a row is harder than I thought it would be and I really need to eat better. I had not really put any thought into how and what I was eating. I was just eating without giving any real thought to how it would affect my body.

A long time ago, in the Marine Corps, I was a body builder. Everything I ate, did and thought was centered on me. But, I did learn how to treat my body as a machine - it would perform better if I fed it better. I also ran triathlons. Not that I was perfect. I would sometimes eat a bag of M&M's for lunch. But I did try to make sure I gave myself what it would take to train at my optimum.

I have not been doing this recently. Every morning, i have a protein drink for breakfast and then often a McDonald's Frappe. No lunch, some nuts here or there and then try to run. Sometimes, dinner is Andy's. That's like putting gas in the car and wondering why it's not running well. So, in addition to changing some other things, I am also going to start eating better.

Days Twenty-two and twenty-three: Oops, again

I'm not sure exactly what happened last night, but I completely forgot to write the blog. I have been substituting alot and it has thrown off my schedule. Work definitely gets in the way of my life. I had to run when I got off work about 5:00 and then I had band practice at church. I can't believe I just forgot. I look forward to writing it everyday just like talking to a friend.

Yesterday's run was good and I almost completed the entire run without walking. I was very proud.

Today's run was incredible. Not fast, not cool, but I ran the entire 1.5 miles. This is the first time. I can't believe that I have gone from not running at all to running the whole distance. I haven't been this proud since boot camp. I also have run two days in a row and I will run tomorrow as well. I feel that I am making good progress. I have made every attempt to not time myself or weigh myself. I don't want anything to get in the way of why I am really doing this - changing me on the inside.

I caught Oprah late last night and the children of the woman who was married to the guy who took Elizabeth Smart was on talking about their mother. I had seen it before but I had not noticed something. There were four children - 3 sisters and a brother. They talked about the abuse they had suffered at the hands of their mother, father and stepfather. One of the sisters had forgiven her mother and the other two had not. There was a noticeable difference in the physical countenance between the sister who had forgiven and the sisters who had not. There was a look of bitterness and rage on the faces of the other two sisters.

It was clear as I was watching this that the old adage was true - not forgiving REALLY is like drinking poison and hoping the offender will die. It was obvious on their faces and body language. And it was also strange that even as the sisters explained why they had so many reasons not to forgive, it clearly was not helping them feel any better.

By seeing this in such a prolific way, I hope that it can be a reminder to me that forgiveness is evident inside and out and refusal to forgive shows like a smile or frown.

Day Twenty-One: Three weeks in....

Today, I ended up having to try to get the walk in between rains. I got called to substitute teach at my old preschool so I was there at 6:30 and got finished at 3:00. So, as soon as I got changed, it started raining again. Then, when I started dinner, it stopped raining. After Joe and I ate, I started walking and then it rained on me the last 1/4 mile. Now, I look outside and it is sunny. Of course...

I decided to walk today so that I can try to run three days in a row on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I ran both Friday and Saturday, so I am going to try three days this week. I am also trying to treat running like I did in the Marine Corps. I ran everyday at lunch no matter what the weather was - rain, snow, sleet, heat. I was dedicated. I think I have even more to be dedicated to this time.

I have noticed that some days I backslide on the forgiving. It's like anything else I try to change about myself, I have to be diligent or it doesn't work. I absolutely have to say "Today, I am going to forgive" every morning when I wake up. I find I still get caught up in whether people deserve to be forgiven, or if I am right. Mostly, if I am right. I'd like to think I am always right - but that would not be true.

It seems that the closer people are to me, the harder it can be to live with an attitude of constant forgiveness. Especially when I'm right. Sometimes, when the person is someone who I have an intense relationship with, I feel like forgiving them is letting them off the hook. I'm not even talking about murder or running over the dog with the car. I'm talking about just not doing the dishes. How hard should that be to forgive? It would appear that I still have some work to do.....

Day Twenty: Ahhhhhhhhh Sunday

I stuck with my decision to keep the Sabbath as a day of rest. I hung out with Joe and watched movies. I went to the Wal-MArt and got a couple of things and then watched more movies. We had Wingstop for dinner.

I have to say , I have really enjoyed keeping the Sabbath quiet. I think I will keep it up. Hey, rest never hurt anyone.

Day Nineteen: A Pleasant Saturday Run

I ran two days in a row. This is the first time!! I'm so proud of myself!! I thought Saturday would be the perfect time because I would have Sunday to recover. I am getting closer and closer to connecting the whole circle of 1.5 miles.

I ran about 11:00 and it was much cooler than it is in the late afternoon. I am going to try to run in the mid-morning most days if I can.

I also tried today to not think too much while I was running. I tried to just enjoy it. This is pretty big since I have never really enjoyed running at all. All these years, I have just endured it. I am not saying I am going to love it, but if I am going to live every day in the moment, then I need to find pleasant aspects of everything I do. Today's pleasant aspect about running: it is empowering to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish something on a Saturday.

Day Eighteen: Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

I had to run later tonight than usual. I had to work until 6:30 and then go to Wal-Mart. This is the closest I've come to connecting the entire route of my 1.5 miles.

It would have been so easy to just not run tonight. I'm really thankful I have the blog to keep me accountable. It was late and I was tired and I really just wanted to collapse in the recliner with Andy's. I think there might be something in Andy's that makes you addicted. So, instead I ran and ate salad.

I was thinking about something odd while I was running. I have had some trouble with my hips in the last 10 years or so. When I was little, I wore corrective shoes. It seems that someone, somewhere decided how my feet should hit the ground and mine needed to be corrected. I wore them from the age of about 2 until about 11. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore because your feet should hit the ground like God intended them to. So, I have been working on just letting them hit the ground the way they are supposed to. But, it is hard when you have spent a lifetime thinking about how they hit and changing it. In fact, I'm still not sure how they would hit if I weren't thinking about it. Because now, instead of thinking about how to change them, I think about just letting them hit which means I spend an awful lot of time thinking about my feet.

I think the real problem was that someone in charge of me had a problem if I didn't walk like a 'lady' or how she determined a lady would walk. So, when my feet started to turn inward, I went to the doctor to change that. So, tonight I was trying to just let my feet hit like they want to. And wondering what difference how my feet hit the ground could possibly make in the big scheme of things. This person was very caught up in appearances and what other people think...sound familiar?

I have noticed that the forgiving has come much easier than I ever thought it would. Maybe I was wrong about who I thought I was. Maybe I had the potential all along to forgive and have mercy and compassion, but who I was told I was and my reaction to experiences is what I began to believe.

Just like how my feet hit the ground was not 'right' for someone else, some aspects of my personality were also not 'right' for someone, so things were said and done to try to change me. And so, for a long time, I have believed memories and incorrect information that have given me an incorrect picture of who I really am.

But now, I know who I really am. So, I am going to relax and just let my feet hit the ground and let me be me.

Day Seventeen: Where was I?

Today I walked. And walked and walked. It was 12:30 and it was hot! So, I walked and sweated and walked and sweated. And thought and walked and sweated.

Today, I felt like the real me for the 1st time in a very long time. It happened when I was dancing in my craft room.

Since I started running, I have purchased heels, worn sleeveless shirts, worn a skirt and made 2 more. I am not quite sure when this transformation happened. I had forgotten who I was. I can't really say that. I had not forgotten - I had just lost her.

Since I have lived here in the Midwest, I had hidden who I really was. I tried to be like everyone else - and the funny thing is - I didn't even like who everyone else was. In the middle of all of this, I became afraid to be who I really am. Then, I bought the first pair of cowboy boots. I think they were the first catalyst. They helped me decide that I didn't NEED to be like everyone else.

I have spent a lot of my life afraid. Not really afraid, just fearful. Fearful that people will figure out who I am and not like me. I made a list of why people should just bite me...it included spending 10 years as a Marine, being a military policeman, running 2 marathons, competing in 10 triathlons, serving in Desert Storm, being the only female in all male units, not once, twice but three times, being jumped by a guy who tried to rape me and I pulled his eye out and held him off until someone came, being bolder than the truck full of men who think they are going to hurt you. And yet, I am afraid people won't like how I dress, or they will question my sexual orientation or think I am not a good wife or not have an important job.

The great thing about all of this thinking that I've been doing while I am running/walking is that it has helped me find me. And I didn't really even know where I last saw me.

There is definitely a connection between the running, forgiving and finding me, I just have to figure out how it all works. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow while I'm running....

Day Sixteen: What a long day

Today, I worked 10 hours with children under 2 years of age in a building where the AC wasn't working. I'm not sure who was whining more - me or the children. It finally came back on at about 4:30 and I left at 5:30. I came home, changed clothes and ran.

Let's just say that this wasn't the best run I have ever had. I am connecting my running with less and less walking, but it was slow. The long day and working in the heat zapped my strength. But I kept going. And MAN, did I want to stop!!

I have started to move further down "the list". By starting with what I thought would be the hardest people, it has certainly put some perspective on the rest. Everything else is easier. If I can forgive those who hurt me on purpose, then letting go of the guy that cuts me off in traffic is easy.

Except for forgiving myself. That continues to be the hardest one yet. I am still trying to ask myself "Would I say something like that to someone else?" every time I think something mean about myself. I am really trying to treat myself with respect and love. It is unacceptable that I become my own abuser.

Since I have been able to start the forgiveness, it's as if I dropped off huge baggage and just left it somewhere. I have quit dragging it around and then dragging out all the hurt and re-living it remind myself why they didn't deserve to be forgiven.

That's how I know I have forgiven - I have stopped re-living the things that made me hurt and angry. I just don't NEED to go there anymore. Now, if I could just do that with the things I can't seem to forgive myself for...

Day Fifteen: Maybe I should stop whining...

Today's walk was great. A little hot, but still beats cold!! I walked further than I have before and it is mostly shaded so it was nice. I'm feeling stronger and stronger and look forward to when I will run everyday.

God is pretty funny, isn't He? Last night I got a call from one of the top two people on the forgiveness list. The weirdest part was what I DIDN'T feel. I didn't feel angry, resentful, bitter or annoyed. This was just a telephone call with someone I know. I think the forgiveness has given me the ability to see this person how God does - wounded. It doesn't change what they said or did, but I can see past that now. They hurt me just as I have hurt others. And I don't like to think about that part.

While I was walking today, I was thinking that my refusal to forgive was also leading me to expect behaviors from people who were totally incapable of performing those behaviors. All this time, I have been planting acorns and wanting a palm tree. No matter how mad I get at the tree, it's still an oak. And it's not the oak's fault. I didn't hurt these people originally, but I have lived with the results. It doesn't hurt any less, but I have a clearer view of the situation. Forgiving these people has allowed me to better understand where their pain has come from. When I think about all of this from a more objective point of view, I am able to show compassion and mercy for their pain and disappointment. And surprisingly enough, I have been able to not take things as personally.

This has also helped me to function more realistically. I no longer expect behaviors that will not come. Even with all the disappointments of not receiving what I needed from them, I still kept expecting it. Boy, that makes me sound crazy!?!? The best part is, Since I started forgiving, I have been able to see that God has been providing what I needed from other sources. I was so caught up in whining, I couldn't see the gifts I had been given.

New decision: stop whining!!