Do you know who your family is????

Whew!! This has been quite the week. We arrived in Florida on Monday. We have spent every evening with my family. And so far, I have not lost it.

I do have to ask, though - do we have to LIKE our families? I have forgiven them, I have prayed FOR them and ABOUT them. I have been patient and even tried to be kind, and the reality is, I don't like them. I am still thinking that I was switched at birth at the hospital. You might think that I am just wishing, but it did happen at the hospital I was born at around the same the time I was born. It certainly would explain alot of things.

The longer I have been around them, the more confused I have gotten. I don't think the same way they do, I don't believe the same way they do, and I certainly don't act the way they do. I do believe my real family is looking for me.

I think the Forgiveness Project has worked. There is no way I could have spent this much time around them if I had not forgiven them. Even some of the same mean things were said to me that had been said when I was young and I was able to just ignore them. I know I could not have done this if I hadn't forgiven them. Or maybe I just have arrogantly believed I am better than they are - either way, it didn't hurt me like it would have in the past. So, I know that all of the work has been a success. The goal was to not allow them to hurt me and they haven't.

It feels as if I have reached a new place in my life. It finally REALLY doesn't matter to me what they think. I can continue my life knowing that I live with my REAL family. Speaking of which - I have had the most incredible time with my guys. We have laughed and had a wonderful time. I am so lucky that God has provided me with a terrific husband and a great boy and it only matters what they think. I am lucky!!!

I'm feeling WHATTTTT?

I like to think that I am flexible, spontaneous and easy-going. I am none of these. Instead, I am delusional. I have pretended to be these things for so long, I can't even remember NOT pretending to be them. Except delusional, of course. I don't have to try hard to be delusional. This has caused a great amount of internal stress for me. If you are not flexible, every time things don't go as planned, it can make me feel anxious and I just pretend like I don't feel this way.

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to find out the results of some tests I had done last week. I found out that my thyroid is not working correctly. While there, my doctor asked me how I was dealing with Celiacs Disease. I told him I was following the eating plan and being careful to not make any mistakes. He said that wasn't what he meant. He asked how I was FEELING about it. What a weird question.

It's funny, but I really only have a couple of feelings. I feel happy or angry. Every feeling I have shows itself in one of those. If someone hurts my feelings, I could never admit that, I only say "I am so mad." Even my depression manifests itself in anger - usually at myself, but sometimes at the world. I have often wondered if I let go and just felt what would happen? Would I just fall apart? Would I go crazy? Try as I may, though, I have a difficult time feeling. There are times when I feel undiluted joy - that is always when I am playing the piano. Almost every time I am at church and lots of times when I am playing at home, just me and God. Every other feeling is foggy - like looking at a picture that is out of focus.

I was considering how I have reacted to finding out I have Celiacs Disease. I realized that one day I ate what I wanted, and the next day I didn't. So much for that - move on. My doctor wanted to know if I had adequately grieved the loss of some of my favorite foods. That never even had occurred to me. But, I've got to tell you...I REALLY miss cupcakes and pancakes. If I were to KNOW that Christ was coming tonight, the Last Supper has already been planned. It's almost like food porn...I sit and think about it. That's just sick.

But, I had been very discouraged because I had been running everyday and watching what I was eating and I still wasn't losing weight. When I went to the doctor for a 6 month check-up, I finally told him all of this. He had some test ordered and found out that my thyroid is barely working at all. It certainly explained alot of things - I thought for sure I had Alzheimer's. I was forgetting things and getting confused and my muscles hurt and I was hot all the time, but not like hot flashes. Now, I find out that all of those are directly related to the thyroid. I was so relieved to find out that I am not going crazy. Well, that part is still not confirmed, but at least I know why some things are happening.

Well, with all of this pretending and not feeling, it's a lucky thing I got a Master's Degree in Psych....I don't think it's helping all that much.

Changes

Well, Satan is STILL in my computer. I'm ready to exorcise it.

Yesterday, as I was running, I had a profound thought. I HATE running. I'm really sorry about it, but I do. Every step yesterday was horrific. Everything hurt and it even hurt long into the evening. I am not feeling any better about it and I don't feel as though I am enjoying it any more than I was or am getting any faster. Also, that same little pug-like dog chased me again. I believe he might be one of Satan's minions. I am not sure why I am doing this. If it is for a sacrifice, I am sure not doing it with a cheerful heart. Not to mention, I hurt all the time. Not structurally, but in my muscles and I have not ever had this happen before.

I am thinking about offering a different sacrifice to God. I need to find something that I will enjoy and offer with a happy heart. I don't really count playing at church because I enjoy that SOOOO much that it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.
I want to keep my body healthy and I want to keep it youthful. I want to find something that will be enjoyable for me so that I will continue to do it.

I have found that ever since I made a conscious decision to have an impact on my world, it keeps forgiveness on the forefront of my mind. It is impossible to make a positive impact when you are carrying a grudge. Your heart is not in the right place. So, I have been praying every morning for God to help me make a positive impact and to keep an open, forgiving heart. It has really helped. I have also found that when I decided to have an impact on my world, it makes me view others in a different light. There are always people I don't like. However, being in a different position at work, and trying to make others' lives more enjoyable, I find that I don't have the luxury of ignoring or treating people I don't like different from those I do like. This is so much harder than I thought.

I am really getting nervous about going home. I will get to experience first-hand if the Forgiveness Project really did work because I will be with the people I have had the hardest time forgiving all these years. I have a little over a week, so I just keep praying that God will make the experience a positive one.

Who know...maybe I will impact their world in a positive way...

Is Satan in my computer....again???

I think Satan lives in my computer. I really do!! It seems as if I can't get all the components working at once. I got my running schedule figured out and I started forgiving again and then, my computer is not working again. I have time to run and forgive on my lunch, but not enough time to get to the library and blog.

I am really enjoying my job. I am trying hard to have a positive impact on people's lives - even the ones that have to be encouraged to leave us to "pursue other interests".

My runs have been so much better too. I have really enjoyed them. The weather has been perfect too.

I hope that Joe can figure out what's up with my computer. Unlike before when this happened, I can't get to the library every day to post. Well, I could, but I wouldn't have time to run and then I wouldn't really have anything to blog about.

Do you think Satan lives in 'things'? Like my computer or car, etc? I would think he would have better things to do than worry about me blogging, wouldn't you? Like "TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!"

I will certainly try to do better about posting.

Trying harder.

What a great run today. It was cool, overcast and very quiet. I felt strong. I realized that last week I shouldn't have run 5 days in a row. I was informed by my all-knowing and well-meaning husband that I need to give myself a day of rest. He offered this information after I was discussing how slow, and horrible Friday's run was. I am now going to run 2 miles on Monday, 1.5 on Tuesday but faster and 3 on Wednesday. Then, take Thursday off and run 1.5 fast on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I hope it helps. I'm not exactly sure what it's going to help, but I feel confident it will help something.

I also worked on forgiving this morning. I work up and on the way to work, I reminded myself that I was going to forgive and also have an impact on those around me everyday. It went pretty well. I tried to be kind and understanding. I also tried to be honest and open. AND - I didn't hit anyone.

I am surprised that I didn't remember that God never really makes becoming a better person easy, does He? I wish I could just fix something once - and that's it - it's fixed. But, I have to keep staying on top of things so that I don't regress. And I regress WAY faster than I make progress.

Oh well, at least He gives us a long time to try to get it right....

Speaking of forgiveness...

I cannot believe that it has been a month since I posted. I apologize profusely for this. I would like to offer an excuse, but it would be just that - an excuse.

The truth is that I have not been able to fit running OR forgiving into my schedule since I went back to work. I say that because the two are tied together more that I thought they were.

I did make some changes this past week though. I was originally working from 8-4, but I was not running in the morning or in the evening. I have always hated running in the morning and all I have been doing in the evening is making excuses for not running. So, this past week, I changed my work schedule to better accommodate my priorities. I now work from 7-12ish and then come home and run and then go back at 3 and work until 6. And it worked great. I ran everyday this past week and it made a HUGE difference.

Sadly, however, I didn't make the same effort to forgive. I think my perception was that once you fix the forgiveness problem - you know make the decision to forgive and all that, then you don't have to think about it again. Well, I was wrong. When I don't wake-up every morning and make the decision to forgive EVERYONE that irritates me in some way, I become incredibly vindictive and just mean. I don't always say things that would indicate that, but believe me, I sure think them. And now I deal with children and, more importantly, adults, I need to be a picture of Christ to every one I encounter.

This morning's sermon really impacted me - I began to think of how I could ImPACT people on a daily basis in every aspect. Not just the four giants as a church, but in every dealing with others that I have. How can I make the world a better place in every action I take?

So, tomorrow morning, I will start by repeating the following:
"Today, I will forgive others and try to impact everyone on my path in a positive way."

That's not much...

Roll with it, Baby!!

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have posted and it has been 10 days since I have run. I guess the time got away from me. I started working full-time again last week and I couldn't seem to figure out when to work out and we had somewhere to be every evening last week. But, I decided not to let working rule my life.....or I'm going to try anyway!!

I ran today when I got home from work. It was slow but I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful and cool and I could feel Fall right around the corner.

I don't know if I have ever admitted this to you, but, I have a tendency to be wound a little tight. I try to appear relaxed and flexible, but the reality is, I am not. I often don't know which is more stressful - not being relaxed and flexible, or trying to appear relaxed and flexible. So, when things happen that come out of the blue, I try really hard to handle it well, but it doesn't always happen.

This past weekend, we found out that we are going to just one keyboardist playing two keyboards each week on the worship team. This is being done because in January when the new campus opens, it would require us to play almost every weekend and some don't want to play that much. But, in the meantime, we have been cut to once a month through November, when we will then go back to two keyboardists for the Christmas season. But, it was so disappointing to find out that I wouldn't be playing again until November. You know, playing at North Point is one of the absolute joys of my life. Needless to say, I didn't take it well. Okay, I whined.

Then, during the second service on Sunday morning, I felt like God was telling me that maybe I didn't know what was coming and to "Just chill out". I try to chill out, I really do. I just think too much.

Today, I was running and a song came on the radio and the chorus was "Roll with it, baby!". You know the one. I think it was a message from God. You know why I think that? Because there is no way I would think that by myself. I think alot of things, but if I had thought that it would be "I think I should try to just roll with it more." Definitely not just "Roll with it, baby!!"

I am going to use this time by doing a couple of things. I have been working on some studies for women using Scripture and things that have helped me. At this point, they are pages and pages of just thoughts. I think I will try to get at least one into a Bible study format. I will be looking for a group of women to go through the first one with me, so if you are interested, let me know.

I am also going to work on my autobiography. I'd like to get the basics down on paper.

So my new mantra is "roll with it baby!!". Let's see how that works...

Just when I needed it......

I feel so bad that it's been over a week since I've posted. I certainly didn't mean for that to happen - it's been crazy.

I've continued to run - some good and some bad. Today I was chased by a ferocious, barking, small terrier-like dog. But, I outran him!! I was so proud - and a little scared. It's those little ones that can really hurt you. It was a great day and I really enjoyed the run.

Lots of things have transpired since I last wrote. Didn't that sound SO much better than, "Wow, lots has happened"? I thought so too.

First, I have the opportunity to go back to work at my old daycare, only I will be the Assistant Director. When the position came open, I decided that I could help make the work environment a lot better. I have really missed being around the kids and this will certainly fund the trip home. Speaking of which....

I have also decided that I am a big enough girl with incredible social and mental skills that I can go visit my family without suffering a mental break-down. I am going to do this by having a plan to escape in the event that things go downhill. Isn't that grown-up of me?

Last Thursday, I got the opportunity to play with some worship team members at the Influence Conference for the Assemblies of God. It was so much fun!! One of the best days I've ever had.

The first speaker was a woman from Nashville who was talking about being authentic and how churches can create the environment so that it makes it easier for people to be honest and open up about the things that they carry as a burden. The strange thing is that I decided to sit in on that speaker. I was going to just hang out and then I met her in the green room and we talked about blogging, etc. So, I thought I would see what she had to say. During the course of the talk, she was open about having the same addictions as I have. She was so open and honest in front of all those Assemblies of God pastors. She is my hero. Of course, she did talk about how not everyone has been accepting. It was just such a miracle to me that I got to hear her, and then speak with her. I don't think it was an accident....

The thing is, I've struggled recently SO much with temptation and it came at the most opportune moment. I hadn't succumbed to temptation, so this was like a lifeline. Isn't it weird how God know just when we need something....oh yeah, He's God.

Living OUT LOUD!!!

This morning was a very long, hot, humid, slow, and frustrating run. It gave me alot of time to think about some things.

I have a confession to make. I have noticed that if I am having a bad day, or week, I don't want to blog. It's because I don't want people to know that things aren't going well in my life. I think I should not have any complaints because I am blessed. I was one of those kids who when they were getting spanked, wouldn't cry to give the spanker the satisfaction of knowing that it hurt me. So, I want the world to think that everything is going great in my life. ALL THE TIME. The reality is - NEWSFLASH: it doesn't..

SO,

As I was running today, I heard Rob Thomas' new song and the lyrics are:

"you can go, you can start all over again,
you can try to find a way to make another day go by,
you can hide, hold all your feelings inside,
you can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry,

And someday maybe we could figure all this out
Try to put an end to all this doubt
...maybe we'll live our lives out loud.

...you can run and when everything is over and done
you can shine a little light on everything around you."

I felt as if God were talking to me. Just when I fix one thing, I realize something else is broken.

I don't think I am being the "me" God intended. I am trying to retrieve some parts of me that I liked from be 'before' years. Before I came back to God. I used to live out loud - with little regard to what others thought. I miss that girl who was crazy and fearless. I don't want to go back completely to that girl, but I want to get back some of the things that made her so infectious. I really want to live out loud. Maybe not as loud as I was before, but definitely louder than now.

The only time I come close to feeling this way is when I am worshiping. I'd like to try to carry that abandon into my everyday life so that I can "shine a little light on everything around me".

What could happen????

This has been some crazy few days. Wednesday, I didn't get to run because of the rain. I did work out, though. Then, on Thursday, I worked 11 hours and I was planning on running when I got home, however, it poured again. I did run on Friday and it was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was planning on blogging yesterday and I worked until late and Joe and I went to the movies. We went to see "Grown-Ups" which was very funny.

As I was running on Friday, I was thinking about how I have become very apprehensive about going home. What is causing this? What could be so scary about it? I'm joking, right?

It's sad that I am so insecure about who I am that I am afraid of going home for fear I won't stand up for myself. And then there's the idea that I could be trapped there with no way of leaving.

This all comes from how I look. My body's appearance has always been a target for remarks and criticism in my family. Too this, too that....you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how I have felt about it, I still have a gut response to change it to what they want it to look like. The funny thing is - I am the healthiest person in my family. And I have a chronic disease. As I was running, I was thinking about what a weiner I am about this.

Why do I let myself feel this way? Why do I not use all the guns in my arsenal to fix this? Have I become so comfortable with the way things are that I don't want to change it? Does this give me a way out of changing by blaming others? Maybe.

I began to think about what I could do to change this. I have decided to forgive, so why not decide to change my 'stinking thinking'?

I'll be honest - it is alot easier to just keep thinking that no matter what I do they will not be happy. But, the reality is this - they live 1200 miles away, I never see them, and yet I still care about what they think? That is ridiculous!! Even as I write it , it is even more ridiculous. I am choosing to allow these people to have an impact on my life, when it is unnecessary.

So, I am going to change. What would happen if I accepted myself the way I look right now? What if I said to myself every morning, "I am so thankful for the body I have. It keeps me running and lifting. I am healthy and I appreciate what it does for me." That won't mean I won't keep working on it and have goals and expectations, but I WILL have respect and love and appreciation for it. I will feed it for optimum performance. I will treat it as God's temple and a good friend. It certainly can't hurt...

Who's in charge?

Another beautiful morning and a really nice run. I absolutely cannot take the shorter route anymore though because today was the fastest I had ever run it. I do have to say I was pretty impressed with myself.

While I was running, I remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. When I got back from Desert Storm, I was running with my unit on the beach, and I tripped and cracked my ankle. Well, I fell out of the run and they started calling me names, so I got back in and ran the mile back. By doing that, I tore ligaments in the ankle. It was not wise. I was so bummed, because I found myself on crutches and unable to resume life the way I wanted to. I was dependent on friends to help me get around and I had gained about 20 lbs while I was in Saudi Arabia, so I was ready to start running again. I had to lay around and I remember willing my leg to get better. I would pray and pray that I would wake up and it would be fine. That didn't happen and the reality was, I really needed to slow down and take a new look at my life. I never would have taken the time had it not been for the ankle.

I am trying to do the same thing now. I was thinking yesterday how I could push this healing thing along. Not that I can even do that. So, why do I waste time thinking about it? Because I think I am in control. Every time I think that, God gives me an opportunity to think about it...I think I'll just let Him be in charge.

Put the band-aid down!!!

This morning was a wonderful run. It was cloudy and the breeze was cool. I think the weather has broken.

I have come to this conclusion: Forgiving was the easy part. I'm surprised to hear myself say that. When I started The Forgiveness Project, I had no idea that the forgiving would be the easiest thing. Every morning when I get up, I make the decision to forgive. Sometimes, I have to keep making the decision to forgive the same people, sometimes I have to make the decision to have a forgiving spirit, and sometimes I just have to make the decision to forgive myself. SO, I feel like I have some control over the process.

The healing, however, seems to have its own agenda. It is just like when I hurt myself and put a band-aid on it, I can't force it to heal faster. I am always lifting the band-aid to see if it is getting better. Sometimes, lifting the band-aid hurts worse than the actual cut. I am doing the same thing with my emotional boo-boos. I keep picking at them to see if they are better.

I need to just ask God to help me get stronger and leave the actual healing to Him. And also, to quit picking at the scabs of my heart. I am going to concentrate on getting physically stronger and let the rest take its course. We'll see how that works...

Everything is His!!

I am so proud of myself!! I had a terrific meeting with Joe Freeman this morning. Wait, let me back up.

Over the summer, a friend of mine from another church said that she and some friends were coming to church on a Saturday night and wanted me to go with them to dinner afterwards. I said yes, of course. Well, when we got to dinner, I found out that the friends were there to ask me to lead worship at a women's conference at their church in Arkansas. Well, I said no, because I didn't think I could do it.

I have struggled with being afraid to sing for some time now, and I thought I was better, but apparently not. So, I tried to put it out of my mind. But, I couldn't. I kept feeling really convicted about it. I began to think how lucky I am to have gifts that I can use for God and then, I turn down an opportunity.

Well, something Tommy said two Sundays ago really struck me. It was before the offering when he was talking about everything being God's and He just lets us use it. THAT did it. I have not been able to get the worship request out of my mind. So, I decided to talk to Joe Freeman about helping me overcome my fear and see if he would let me audition to sing and go from there. SO, that's what we're going to do.

I am excited and nervous to see where this might lead, but this is an opportunity that I didn't want to pass up again. I sure didn't want to look back and think "Wow, I should have tried harder to use my gifts".

Oh what a beautiful morning!!

This morning was even more beautiful than yesterday. The breeze was actually cool and felt like fall. It was so wonderful. It made me want to sing "Oh what a beautiful morning". Then I remembered I am not living in the musical "Oklahoma". Wouldn't be great though, if we could just break into song when we felt like it?

I have felt so much better since I figured things out yesterday. Sometimes just knowing why helps. I can combat those negative feelings so much better when I know where they are coming from.

I have moments where I want to beat myself up because I still let the past affect my present. I just have to be kind to me and forgive myself and work to be more productive with my feelings.

Just be quiet!!

This morning's run was so nice. With the break in the weather, it made it so pleasurable. There was a nice COOL breeze and the sky was clear and a few clouds. It felt like fall is on the way.

I have not been able to figure out what has been wrong. I have been so bummed and unmotivated. I could not find the key to what had changed. Most people don't know that I am a thinker. I spend ALOT of time pondering the things of life. But, I was foggy when it came to why I wasn't feeling myself.

This morning on my run, I was trying to figure it all out. Then, my batteries in my radio died. I have never been able to run without music. But, I didn't have a choice. The thing is, I didn't even take out my ear plugs, I just kept running. SO, I was thinking about why things had changed.

I think it started when we decided to go home for Thanksgiving. That was when I started being very critical every time I looked in the mirror and started having increased feelings of depression. I had still kept taking my medication, so it was not making any sense. I had never really had any anxiety with my depression, but that began too.

I had also become less than motivated about running. Then, it all made sense...

I think I thought that once I had forgiven, the hard work would be done. And once I had forgiven, maybe the running was over too. Now, I know that the forgiving may be the easiest part. That's pretty weird, huh? Forgiving has turned out to be a decision, just like loving. I wake up, decide that today I am going to forgive and move through the day. The more days I said that, the easier the forgiving became.
But, living with the scars and wounds is another thing. I began to be mad at me because I hadn't 'gotten over it'.

I can forgive but there is still healing that needs to be done. If you cut me with a knife, and it was an accident and you said you were sorry, the cut wouldn't heal immediately just because I had forgiven you. It takes time and medical attention. That was something I hadn't taken into account with the forgiveness. There are still scars and wounds.

This is really arrogant, but, I also thought that I could do this on my own. Not completely, because God is always involved in my life, but without my asking Him specifically to help me heal past this. Years ago, I had some scars and stretchmarks that I wanted gone and a friend told me to get vitamin E capsules and poke a hole in them and squeeze out the gel onto the scars and stretchmarks. It made a huge difference in helping them disappear. But, if I had just bought the capsules and never put it on there, it wouldn't have helped. Now, I realize that God is there especially for these kinds of things. He doesn't want me to hurt over this.

I had not thought that going home would be so scary. I had not forgotten that these were the same people who had made fun of me growing up. I just had not realized how deep the wounds had gone. I was feeling exactly like I had years ago. SO, the fear is legitimate.

Now, the responsibility is mine to grow past this. I've had a lifetime but I now need to make significant progress in 12 weeks. Kind of like rehab....Oh I meant that as a joke but it really is. I've got to become able to handle my emotions in a new and better way that does not involve self-doubt or self-hatred.

As I am thinking all of this through, I realized that the running and the working out are physical manifestations of my becoming emotionally stronger. That's why I have to keep running....every step brings me closer to the person I want to be - not afraid of what others think or say.

As I am coming to the end of my run and figuring all this out, the music comes back on. Maybe God knew I needed to be quiet to hear what He had to say.....

Figuring it all out.

I am so sorry I have been missing in action. I would like to say I have been so busy that I haven't had time to write. The real truth is that I have been in the worst of moods and had absolutely nothing positive to say. So, I went with the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

I have run and it has been nice since the weather has been cooler and less humid. I have worked 3 days this week at preschool, which I have to say, always helps my mood. I have also worked out.

I went back a couple of days to read what I had written previously. I now feel even worse that I have been feeling bad since I had written that I was going to be thankful. HA! That hasn't gone well. Neither has treating my body as God's temple. Wow, I'm doing really well.

Why is it that when I decide to make conscious decisions to act in a way that is more glorifying to God that immediately things start to happen that make me forget what I promised to do. AND I felt so bummed I had a hard time moving through life.

I was also so mad at my boys I couldn't hardly stand it. The only thing about my life that has been real this last week has been the worship on Saturday and Sunday. Luckily, no matter how bad I feel, I can always worship when I'm at church.

I am going to forgive myself for not being thankful and for not treating my body well and for beating myself up for feeling bummed. I have had the worse dreams where people and things are chasing me. I don't think it is a coincidence that I decided to make some powerful changes in my life and I got bummed, can't sleep, and have bad dreams where people are chasing me. Hmmmmmmm. I've got to figure out how to have a better combat strategy because I think this might be war.....

Is ice cream evil??

This morning's run was great!! A cool breeze that felt like fall and that kind of sunshine that looks clear and makes everything beautiful. The last couple of runs were miserable - hot and no breeze.

I was talking to Joe this morning about changing up my workout schedule. I was wondering if I should maybe use the treadmill at the gym on the days I work out at least until the weather breaks. My workouts have been great though. I am so glad I joined the gym.

I am still having a hard time treating my body as God's temple. It's hard figuring out what is ok and what isn't. I had ice cream last night and it made it feel like I was cheating even though I had eaten well all day. Is it ever ok to eat ice cream? It's not like it's evil, right?

Another round of guilt, please....

This has been a really hard week. I'm not sure what is up. I didn't run Thursday or Friday - it was just too hot. Even in the morning. I did work out this week though.

For as long as I can remember, I have really struggled with depression. Even when I was a little girl, I have memories of thinking that other people didn't feel this way. It wasn't until 2003 that I actually began taking medication for it. Even then, I didn't want to take it. Sometimes, I become delusional and think I don't need it anymore, only to discover that I get - I don't know - depressed without it.

I often feel like I should be able to rise above this - like I have the ability to will it away. Believe me, I've tried. And then, the people around me will ask if I have been skipping my medication. But, this week, I have taken my medication all week.

I gotten better about taking my high blood pressure medication. I have come to realize that no matter what - no matter how much I run, or how much weight I lose, or how calm I am - I have to take it because my problem is not solved by weight loss, or diet or stress management.

I'm trying to take the same attitude with my anti-depressants. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel guilty that I have to take them. I should be over it. Or I should have been healed. Or I should have out-grown it. Or something.

I can't seem to forgive myself that I need them. And I feel guilty when I am feeling bummed and I fake it around others and I feel guilty because I have to take them. So, there is alot of guilt, no matter what.

Maybe I'm addicted to guilt...

Today, I am going to be thankful...

I actually wrote this on the 9th of August but it didn't post for some reason. Or maybe it was operator error, I'm not really sure.

I started this post yesterday after my run. I just couldn't get it right so, I just stopped.

I am happy to report that yesterday's run involved no crying. It was terrific. I felt so much better. I ran at the park again. It was pretty hot by the time I finished, but I didn't hurt. And there was great music on the radio. Today, though was very hot!! There was not a breeze and it was so humid. Still not bad though.

I have not been doing very well treating my body as God's temple. That's really sad. Then, I beat myself up about it. For some unexplainable reason, I have been feeling some really strong self-loathing about my body. When this happens, I get crazy about my diet and food. I come up with crazy ideas to lose weight like only drinking protein drinks and eating fruit.

I have Celiacs disease so that means I can't eat anything with gluten in it. Gluten is a protein in wheat, rye and barley. It is used to bind things as well so it is what holds the seasoning onto chips or things like that. This limits what I can eat dramatically. So, there aren't that many things that are good to even cheat with that don't make me sick.

I do really good making choices that are good for me when it comes to this stuff. I don't eat things that make me sick and I am trying to stay away from things that have too many chemicals in them. But, I'm distressed because I haven't lost weight. I know that I said that I wasn't going to make this about weight. OK, so I'm not doing a good job at that either. I know that I need to lose to be healthier but I don't want to obsess about it like I have in the past.

I know that this is a bold thought - but what if I just accepted my body the way it is and stop obsessing about it? I just realized that this began since we have decided to go home for Thanksgiving. My body has always been an issue with my family. I think it is because my body is so much different than everyone else's in my family. This has presented opportunities to tease me. Even when I was a body-builder, there was alot of teasing about how my body was different, not an appreciation for the hard work it takes to make your body look like that.

I need to just appreciate myself for who I am and what I look like at this particular moment. I have to forgive myself for not appreciating the body God gave me. I am so lucky. My particular body type has served me well. I do not have any major problems like knee or back issues. All the abuse - internal and external - has not inhibited my body's ability to work well.

It goes back to the idea of living in the moment. If I wait until my body looks better, that could be a LONG time. And then, what if it looks great and something out of my control happens? So, I go back to hating it? Why in the world would I hate something that God makes? OK, so I don't think He made it to look like it does today, but He did make it to look different from everyone else. Why not just relax and love it as a work in progress?

I am going to try my best to continue to treat my body as God's temple and to appreciate it as a work in progress. I am going to stop looking in the mirror and finding every single thing I hate about it and point it out, because THAT is productive.

So, in addition to forgiving, I think another thing to repeat to myself is "Today, I am going to be thankful."

I don't think this is REALLY about the Motrin

Today was the WORST running day I have had since the day I started running. It wasn't the heat because it was a really nice day - nice breeze and not too hot. I had to quit using Motrin last week before I had the colonoscopy. So, I decided that I would try not to use it again EVER. That wasn't the greatest idea I have ever had. In fact - I think it was stupid. This morning, I swear I heard things actually creak when I got out of bed and then, halfway through my run, everything hurt so bad I just had to stop. I felt more than just hurt, I felt defeated. This promptly led to my crying and sobbing on the park path. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel very weak and helpless. And then it hit me. I think it might be more than just the lack of Motrin. I think it might be Satan.

OK, here's the deal - I decided that I was going to quit worrying about money and just trust God to provide. Just when I thought I was not going to get to substitute teach anymore at my old preschool, I got more hours. Then, I decided to REALLY try to pursue a speaking career. I decided to sell Avon. I know that there are people who don't think that God really cares about the little stuff in my life. But I can't help but think that if He cares about the big stuff, then why wouldn't He care about the little stuff if it matters to me and I matter to Him?

In the last several months, I have made some huge decisions that have dramatically changed my life. I decided to start running and to start forgiving. I have decided to start treating my body as the temple of God that it is. I have decided to trust God that He will take care of me. That's more progress than some entire years in my life.

Recently at our small group, I mentioned that I felt sad that Mel Gibson had fallen so far from just a few years ago. I then said that it was also sad that He had talked about how much he loved Jesus and how making the film "The Passion of the Christ" had deepened his relationship with Him. I remarked that it was a shame that Mel didn't anticipate that when he stood up for Christ, Satan was going to notice. And wait. And then, Mel would give him ammunition.

Well, I guess I didn't think I was very important to the big plan. It hadn't occurred to me until this morning, when I was crying on the path at the park, that Satan would try to push my buttons too. My buttons are different than Mel's. I'm not going to drink and drive, use racist language or beat up my girlfriend. But, I can, with very little encouragement, beat up myself and doubt my abilities. Then, I can feel defeated and give up. That removes me from making a difference in anyone else's life. And I thought it was just about Motrin.....

I'm a scaredy-cat

I know I have missed a couple of days. OK, three. I'll be honest, I didn't have anything to say on Monday. I know you find that hard to believe, but while I was prepping for the colonoscopy, I just didn't have any bold thoughts. And then, I had to take it easy for 24 hours and I just slept alot. Everything turned out ok, and I am thanking God that it was not cancer - we don't know what it was, but it was not cancer.

It was miserable hot when I ran this morning. I didn't hear my alarm, so I didn't wake up until 9:00. It was already WAY too hot. It was another one of those days when every little thing gets on your nerves - my shirt, my socks, the songs on the radio. Then, about halfway through, I thought, "What if I just relax and quit thinking about it all too much?". It really helped. I found that it got better and I was able to make it all the way home without too much internal whining.

I've had some really hard days trying to decide what to do about my future. It's funny, most people have already thought about their future long before they are 50. I'm luckier than most people. I have had opportunities that most people will never have, and yet I still wonder what my purpose is. I have spent alot of time badgering God about this. I would say praying, but it really is badgering.

The problem lies in me. I am scared. And it's a kind of fear that is so different from anything else I have ever felt. I have been physically scared LOTS of times and I know how to handle that. This is a paralyzing fear of rejection - one so strong that it prevents me from moving in any direction.

I am torn between being safe and living life to the fullest. Since I found out I wasn't getting an interview for the job I wanted, I have felt like a drowning person beating the water to death around me - wasting alot of energy and getting nowhere but feeling like I'm dying. And all the while, beating myself up because I can't figure out what I wanted to do. So, I tried to just relax and stop thinking about it.

The truth is - I know what I want to do - I'm just afraid to do it. Since starting the "Forgiveness Project", I have realized that forgiveness is the answer to so many things. Since I have been forgiving others and trying to forgive myself, I have noticed that I have been far less tempted to participate in the activities that have caused addictive reactions - and there are several. I have also noticed a difference in me - a softness that I never knew existed. I may not have forgiven myself completely, but I am able to accept more about myself now than ever before.

I want speak to others about forgiveness or parenting or promiscuity or anything else God wants me to talk about. It is just really hard to put yourself out there. I am praying that I have the courage to begin. I am not going to let this fear hold me back...

A New Beginning

I am so sorry that I have missed 2 days. I know it sounds lame, but I have been REALLY busy!! OK, the dog ate my blog - is that better?

My runs on Friday and Saturday were also as bad as the days before. It has continued to get hotter and more humid. I have felt really slow, but the reality is that I have actually been getting faster, so now I need to extend my route to get continue my progress. And it's supposed to be getting hotter this coming week. I am going to try to get up earlier and run so that maybe it will be cooler, or at least less humid.

I am currently preparing for a colonoscopy. Oh my gosh - this is horrible. I had forgotten how yucky this is. But, it has given me an idea. I know what you're thinking - this CAN NOT be a good idea.

I have been blogging about treating my body as God's living temple and this seems to come at a good time. What if I used this as an opportunity to replace everything that is leaving my body with only what is good for me? I would never do something this extreme normally, but it is coming at a good time. I can make a conscious effort to pick the best things to go in. Kind of like a clean slate - so to speak.

I can become racked with guilt about how I have treated my body in the past. I have suffered with an eating disorder since high school. The irony - it was laxatives. Isn't that funny? I have a disease and the only way to check it is by using laxatives. So, I try to forgive myself and make up for some of the bad choices I have made.

Maybe this presents an opportunity to start fresh and make choices based on my love of God and His temple rather than irrational ways of dealing with emotions. What if every time I was hungry, I made the choice to eat, or not eat, and what to eat by thinking what is best for my body?

What if I forgave myself, and separated the eating from what I'm feeling? What if I made the choices by treating my body as God's temple and giving it the things that make it work most effectively? What if I asked God for His help in taking care of His temple? Now - there's an idea....

One day at a time

This morning's run was horrible!!! I cannot believe how hot it was and how humid! And I've been trying to cut back on how much laundry I have to do, so I tried to wear my running clothes two days in a row. Let's just say that was not a great idea. I kept wondering what that smell was - it was me!! At least no bugs, dogs, skunks, or bad guys would even come close.

I did run 2 miles for the first time. More of the path is tree covered, so that was nice, but not as refreshing as I had hoped.

I've continued to think about yesterday's post. I really felt bad as I ate ice cream last night. It takes being in the right place emotionally and spiritually to make the changes needed to treat your body as God's living temple.

I was never good at monogamy before Joe. But, to be truthful, I don't think I tried very hard at it either. So, when I came back to God, I decided that I would not date for a while because I couldn't seem to do it in a way that was Christ-like. Then, I met Joe and he changed my thinking. He had a very respectful, kind and understanding way of doing relationships that was unknown to me. He made his expectations clear and if I couldn't live with that, then we would move on. I decided that I was not going to cheat on Joe, not because I was afraid he was going to leave me or what others would think, but because I loved him so much I didn't want to hurt him.

I think that treating your body different is the same way. It is not out of fear, or because I want to look hot (although that would not be a bad side-effect) but because I love God and I love the body He gave me and I am going to treat it like He actually lives there - which He does.

Let's see how well I can put this into practice. One day at a time....

Whose temple is it anyway?

Oh! was it hot this morning. And there was NO breeze! It felt like another one of those days where time was moving backwards. This, combined with the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles led to today's post.

Now, there is a disclaimer....remember this all started about forgiveness, so if I say something you don't like, please just forgive me. I promised myself that I would be true to myself and authentic, even if I was afraid of what you might think. So, here goes...

As I was running, I was thinking about how I was disappointed that I hadn't lost more weight. I have also been lifting weights, so I tried to resolve that I was adding muscle, so the scale hasn't adjusted. Then I remembered that this didn't start because I wanted to lose weight. It started as a sacrifice and gift and commitment to forgiving.

Ok, this part is a little confusing. The song "Hotel California" came on the radio, and it led to this thought: "Isn't it weird that some people are so obsessive about keeping grave stones and plots at cemeteries clean and making sure our church buildings and yards are perfect, and yet we don't feel the same way about our bodies, which are the living temples of God?"

I started running because I wanted to do something for God, and yet it didn't take long before I start becoming frustrated that I am not dropping weight. I feel alot better and the running has improved my cardio and my relationship with God. But, I wouldn't be upset if I looked different either.

God gave us this incredible work of art, both inside and out, and yet I have not been diligent about taking care of it. And alot of damage can't be reversed. I am lucky - my blood sugar has never been better and I am holding off diabetes, unlike my family.

Think how upset we would be if someone tracked dog poop into our church and no one made any attempt to clean it up. What if no one ever cleaned the carpets, or vacuumed, or mopped. That's what's happening when I eat a Snickers, or ice cream or french fries. That's right - junk food is the equivalent of dog poop.

I'll be honest - I have never understood keeping someone's cemetery plot looking perfect because they are not there! It's just an empty box under that plot and I don't associate how much someone cares about someone by how nice they keep the plot when they're gone. In fact, I think the opposite...how weird. But, I do think that how we take care of our living temples DOES show how much we love God.

I am hoping to make the running and the lifting weights about my commitment to God, not as a temple to me. It's hard, because the better I look, the easier it is to take credit and I don't want to do that. I am sure though, that I have plenty of friends who will not let that happen.

All the best intentions...

Well, my boys are back. The got in last night and the house has been mayhem ever since. I couldn't get to sleep last night, then I overslept this morning. I had to run when I got back from a doctor's appointment, and boy was it hot!! I felt very slow. I had also eaten a big breakfast, so I felt very sluggish.

Last night, about 1230, our outside dog Happy started barking. I looked out the window and she had cornered a baby skunk by the back door. Great. We managed to get her into her crate to give the skunk a chance to get away. The baby was pretty little, because she hadn't sprayed Happy. It was scared to death. It just kept turning in circles. I guess it got out the same way it got in, because Joe couldn't find it this morning.

Joe managed to get my ring out of the steering column of my car without even taking anything apart. Yeah!! I will NEVER put lotion on while driving again. Or call the locksmith before checking all outside doors. Or not make sure I have my keys in my hand before leaving the house. You get the picture.

Things have been hectic this morning. With the boys back, I have had to get groceries and actually plan the week.

Even though I wrote yesterday about giving 100%, I have already found that it has been difficult to do that in just the last 12 hours. Old habits die hard. I guess I have to just try a little at a time to open up.

I think it's time for lunch!

I didn't run today because I had too much to do to get ready for the boys to come home. In fact, I woke up at 4:00am and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up, worked, went to breakfast, worked some more and took a nap and then worked some more. I probably could have used the run for a break!

Last night at small group, the question "What is the most important thing to you?" was asked. I'd like to have lied and said all the appropriate answers, but what good is that?

I just finished reading a book about a woman who was adopted and she discusses her inability to commit to her husband or even God because of her fear of rejection. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop - for someone else to reject her - even God.

When we are wounded early in our lives, it alters our ability to trust and love without fear. After reading her book, I realized that I too have lived my life afraid to give 100% to Joe or Joseph or even God, and when I do that, I am putting myself first in my life. I have lived my entire life afraid to love completely for fear that the thing I love will leave, be taken away or whatever.

We had 5 miscarriages before we had finally had Joseph. Since his birth, I have spent the last almost 16 years trying to prepare for his departure, whether it is to college or marriage or....

The ridiculous part of this is that holding back doesn't prevent anything bad from happening - it has just kept me from committing 100% to relationships.

I believe this is also connected to living in the moment. If I give every moment 100% of my attention, then there's no time to think of all the possibilities, both good and bad.

I also know that if something were to happen to Joe or Joseph, holding back is not going to make me hurt any less. It's just hurting them that I am holding back parts of me.

Last night, a friend shared with me this bit of wisdom:

"David was sent to deliver lunch, not slay a giant."

I guess it's time I start worrying more about lunch than giants.

That's a great idea!!

Well, needless to say, yesterday I was quite bummed. I just read yesterday's post and it wasn't as much of a downer as I thought it was. I was afraid I came off as a real Debbie Downer.

This morning while I was running, God and I had a long conversation. I think He actually talked to me. I know that it was God that put something into my head because it is so far from something I would have thought.

It was actually a great morning for running. It was cooler than it had been and there was a really nice breeze. I was listening to 105.1 and I was thinking about how mad I got yesterday that I didn't get that job. I was also thinking that I was acting like a spoiled 2 year old. THAT thought opened the door for the conversation with God.

While I was running, God said, "What makes you think you deserve what you want?" Now, I know that this was God, because I don't have to explain to myself why I deserve what I want. So began the following conversation:

"But, I want to do great things for You with my life." I said.

"That's crap. You want what you want when you want it." said God. Now, your God may not say 'crap', but mine did.

"But I'm smart, and I have a great personality and so You should have something really great for me to do." I replied. That's right, I told God that I was smart and had a great personality AND that He should have something great for me to do.

"What have you done with the things I have given you until now?" He asked.

I had nothing to say. He was right. I have not done the most I could with what He has already given me. I like to say I have poor self esteem, but when the truth is told, I think God should really use me because I am smart and funny and am good with people and besides, I came back to Him. So, let's just say that I am incredibly arrogant and prideful.

When I brought this up to Him in the conversation, I actually said to the God of the Universe, "But I came back to You and I want to do things for you."

"But what about all the time you were away from me? What about all the times you were mean? What about the times you did what you wanted to do and still had the audacity to ask me to help you when things didn't go your way?" I know this was God, because I wouldn't have admitted this to myself.

I was truly speechless. I realized that when I view me through "Ginger glasses", I am a gift TO God. That's pretty bold. Elton John once wrote "Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see." That's the truth - I think I'm a really great thing for God to have and use and then I don't understand why He doesn't use me in the way I think He should. I'm lucky He hasn't struck me down in the Old Testament kind of way.

God then said, "Besides, you didn't come back to me for ME, you came back to me for you." He was right. It was MY life that wasn't working for me.

I realized at that moment that I've been telling God how wonderful I am and how He should use me. I've got some serious nerve! What was I thinking? I've decided that maybe I should just start small and try to be the best wife and mother and daughter and friend that I can be, and leave the rest up to Him. There's an idea!

July 23rd: I spoke too soon....

Well, I probably should have read my e-mail yesterday before I posted that incredibly positive blog.

I had applied for a position with Springfield Public Schools that I had been asked to apply for. I found out yesterday that 5 people were asked to apply and the other four got interviews and I did not. Needless to say, that was quite the bummer.

I ran this morning and it was good. I ran the whole 1.5 miles again without stopping and it didn't hurt and I didn't want to stop at any point. Then, I went and worked out. That was great. It felt so good to work hard.

Last night I felt like I just kept praying all night long and not in a good way. Every time I woke up, and that was many times, I just kept saying "I just don't know what you want me to do." This has always presented such a struggle for me. Here's a dilemma: if God is the source of all good things, then is He the source of everything else too? This has been a disturbing question of mine forever.

I was sexually abused as a small child and I have had a hard time resolving the God issue in all of that. During the healing process, the question "Where was God?" has always been answered by other Christians with "Well, He has given us all free choice." But then, everyone claims the good stuff comes from God. That can be very frustrating when I was paying for therapy and that's the only answer I got.

I don't know what to think about all of this. I do now realize that I have serious forgiveness issues with the God of the Universe. That's bold, huh? Who am I to even ask "Why?".

One thing I know for sure, I will not walk away from God because I don't understand what is going on or I am mad that I didn't get my way. I have figured out that it is more important to fix relationships rather than just cast them aside, especially when the problem lies with me. And with God, that's the best choice.

BIG NEWS!!!

The first thing I have to say is that we are going to Florida for Thanksgiving. My family lives in a small town outside of Tampa, however, we are going to stay at the beach for the week of Thanksgiving. My determiner of how the forgiveness is going is by seeing the people in person I am forgiving. So, we are spending the week with my family at the beach. After the encouraging talk with my parents, I realized that my mom had not seen Joseph since he was 2 and a half and my dad last saw him when he was 5. I decided that the right thing to do was go there. We will be staying on the beach that we stayed on every summer until I was 13. It is beautiful and I am praying for the best. I am so lucky that I have the best husband in the world. When we talked about doing it and taking Joseph out of school, he reminded me that if one of them was really ill, we would take him out of school and go, so why not do it while they are still in good health.

Today, instead of running, I mowed the yard. I cannot believe how much it had grown since I did it last week. I thought the grass dies in July???? It always feels so serene as I am mowing. I am not sure why but I really love doing it.

The Forgiveness Project is going well. I have moved down the list and am trying to implement it into my life on a daily basis. I don't always do so well.

I have noticed that 'the voice' is almost gone. The only thing I hear now is my own voice. And that responds, comments, degrades in the way I would, not the old voice would. I have to keep working on not being mean to myself and to forgive myself when I do. I am now the hardest person to be nice to.

Last Saturday, I accidentally locked myself out of my house about 45 minutes before I was supposed to be at church. I say accidentally, although no one really locks themselves out on purpose. I walked to the corner computer store to use their phone book and they didn't have one and were very rude about helping me. I called three locksmiths that claimed to be "24/7" and they all said they didn't have anyone available. Hmmmmm - maybe I'm confused about what 24/7 means, I don't know. Finally, I got one to come and open the front door. For $45!!!! However, he did ask me out to dinner. I politely declined. Then, on Sunday, when I fed the dog, I realized the back door had been unlocked the whole time. This created multiple situations to forgive myself. Let's say that there was ALOT of mean talk prior to the forgiving creating even more opportunities to forgive myself.

I have tried to question "Would I say to Joseph what I just said to myself?" as the premier rule about how I speak to myself. Let's say that last weekend, I have spoken nicer to people I don't even like. I am seriously working on treating myself better. Until I made a mistake in my checking account.....

You know what's funny about this whole blog thing? I had thought out my blog while I was mowing and yet, when I sat down at the library, it went in a whole other direction. Oh well - you'll get that one another day....

July 21st: Things I learned (or re-learned)

It's back to normal life now that fireworks has ended. I realized some really important things while I was there...

Living in the moment and enjoying the change in routine should be appreciated. Sitting, reading, and drinking coffee while nothing else is expected of me was very enjoyable. It reminded me of the mornings I was a lifeguard on the most beautiful beaches in the world and no one was there - just me and God. I didn't appreciate those mornings enough.

If felt good to work hard and sweat - to start a task and see it to completion and see the immediate change. Ok, so it was just moving around boxes of fireworks, but so much of what I do has very little immediate gratification.

It also changed our family dynamic dramatically. Last year, Joe and I were at separate stands so we only communicated by phone. It was lonely. This year, we were together. Joe still worked at his day job, but almost every night, he spent the night with me in the pop-up camper. We had no TV, only a radio and we had alot of time to talk. It was great.

It is so bonding to work hard together towards a common goal. It's probably the closest we'll come to what it must have been like for the old time farmers. Start with nothing and work together to the end and see the results of your hard work.

It was also great being with Joseph. He was gone working at Boy Scout camp, but came back on the 2nd. It was great just hanging with him and having him make us laugh. It was also wonderful watching him sell fireworks. He has a gift.

There were days I thought I would surely be the first person to really die of boredom. But, truthfully, how many times, as an adult, do I get to whine "I'm bored" without knowing there are things I should be doing?

I also learned some things about myself that I had forgotten. I get really caught up in accomplishments - degrees, jobs, importance...

My success in fireworks is totally built on who I am and how I respond to others. That's not something I have appreciated about myself with any consistency. Last year, it planted the seed that grew into the question "What if it's about me being me?" That idea has grown into my making every attempt to make every personal contact something Christ would be proud of.

I'm trying to take what I learned and apply it to this 'real' life. We'll see how that goes....

July 20th: Catching up...

Well, lots has happened. I have tried to figure out the best way to cover all the information and I'm not sure there is one. So, I'll just ramble on.....

HIGH ANXIETY

While Joe and I were at the fireworks stand, we borrowed a pop-up camper to sleep in. The first night, we went into the camper and I began to feel alot of panic. At first, I couldn't figure it out. Was it because we were staying here, or was I just scared. I finally realized it was because of the camper. I started asking Joe if he was sure that it would hold both of us and and what if it fell over in the night....Well, he finally asked if I would rather if he slept on the other side to 'balance it out'. I said yes.

While laying there, we were talking about how irrational this fear is that I have that things I lay on or sit on will break. The funny thing is, I have had this fear even when I was thinner. We discussed how it had come from my family saying mean things about my weight, even though I was just normal sized. That night, I slept staying as close to the edge as I could for fear of causing the pop-up to fall over.

I have done this forever. Even when I was a body-builder, I was still worried that something might not hold my weight. I'm really trying to get better at not worrying about stuff like that, but if you ever see me check a chair before sitting down, please don't say anything.

THINGS YOU NEVER EXPECT

A few days later, I spoke with someone at the top of the 'list'. During the course of our conversation, this person apologized for anything that may have been said while I was growing up that would have hurt my feelings and made me feel bad about myself. I was wondering if I had dialed the right number.

It truly never occurred to me that my forgiving others would have an impact on them even if they didn't know what I was doing. I'll be honest, I really did it for myself. I just didn't figure in the "God effect". I didn't realize that while He was working on me, He was also working on others. I never expected to have the relationship with the people on 'the list' change. When I told them that it was "water under the bridge", I wasn't even just saying that, I meant it.

I also didn't expect to miss running so much. I have shared that I never really liked it, but I have allowed myself to participate in it, rather than just enduring it. That's another thing I didn't expect. When I began to live in the moment and make forgiveness a state of mind, I have felt my whole attitude change. No, it's not an attitude change, it's more like being able to live in peace. There are still things that make me crazy, but I hold on for a much shorter time than before.

My line from Mediacom is down, so I am trying to get to the library every day to post. Thanks for being so patient.

July 18th: I'm baaaaaaaack!!

I greatly appreciate your patience. Did you wonder if I had fallen off the face of the earth? Our internet is out at home and things have been crazy since the boys left. I am frantically trying to finish re-doing the kitchen and living room before they get back. It is going well.

I have missed blogging so much. I know it sounds weird, but it is like I know people are reading it, so it is so much more than just journaling. I have missed the accountability to writing as well.

I started running again on Monday. It was really hot. But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I almost ran the entire loop the first day. So, it was good to know that I was able to jump right back in. If I run first thing in the morning, it isn't so bad or as humid and it does make it bearable. I even purchased a running pendant for myself. Because you know, I am a runner.

I have also started working out. That I really enjoy alot. It's not like I was laying around while I was at the fireworks stand, but it is nice to do something for myself that I enjoy. I hope that Joe will work out with me when he returns.

I have decided that my main priorities are running, working out and blogging, even if my internet is out. I will just go to the library and post.

I have so much to tell about the Forgiveness Project. So much has happened. I am trying to organize the posts so that it all makes sense - if that is even possible. I will begin tomorrow bringing it up to speed.

Glad to be back!!!

Here's my hope...

Fireworks season started yesterday. I helped some friends get their tent set up and today, Joe and I will get ours. Believe me, it was alot more work than running and working out.

My hope is to continue posting through these next 17 days. I know that I will be running whenever I get the chance, but I stay at the fireworks stand 24/7 without a break unless Joe comes to relieve me to run and take a shower. My goal is to write while I am there, and then Joe will post what I have written. I have to warn you - I spend ALOT of time alone during this experience - I am liable to write about anything.

Please keep checking and Joe and I will do our best to keep it up.....

Have a great fourth of July and remember - we are at the stand on West Sunshine in the adult red light district. No plans to change careers.....

Day 35: When in doubt - BUNT!!

I ran this morning for the first time in almost a week. It felt pretty good. I had to walk some, but I ran way more than I thought I would after being sick for a week. Then, I went and lifted weights. That felt great. I forgot how much I enjoy doing it.

Yesterday's sermon was incredible. It was video cast from a church in NC. The VERY young pastor spoke about God's unstoppable power. It was the "Bunt" story that impacted me the most. He talked about his dad coaching his Little League team. They couldn't do much, but his dad taught them how to bunt. Bunting seems so insignificant. When I think about the impact I would LIKE to have in God's world, I always think about "hitting it out of the park". I think that the only way to make an impact is to make a HUGE one.

I had been thinking for some time though, about what if all God wanted was for me to just be ME. What if that's all there is? What if everyday, I tried to be the very best "me" I could be, and that was what He wanted. It doesn't feel like it would be enough or even much.

I like to think that it is the big stuff that makes the most difference. And I didn't think that forgiveness was that big of a deal. I kept telling myself it was between me and those I chose not to forgive. It couldn't possibly make THAT big of a difference in God's kingdom if I did or didn't forgive. But I was wrong. I truly had no idea the huge difference forgiving would have on my life. It has changed how I view myself and others.

I had viewed forgiving as the bunt. What you do when all else fails. But, what if it is a planned strategy to making my life better and changing the impact I have on the world around me? What if it is a path to a better me that is more useful to God?

I have also viewed being the best me as the bunt. It seems so insignificant and arbitrary. No one reports on the news about the guy who bunts, just the Pujoles of the world. But, what if the bunt wins the game?

Day 34: A day of rest.....

What a great Sunday....This day of rest thing - great idea!!! We got up and got Joseph off to camp. Then, we went to church, which was wonderful. However, you know how you know you are getting older? People who NEVER should be young before - like your OB/GYN or cops or the pastor at the 4th fastest growing church in America could be your child. Not the "I got pregnant in high school" child. No - the "I was grown-up and had a child" child. ANYWAY...

Joe and I had a great day!! We hung out and went to Lowe's and then had lunch. It was terrific.

I am FINALLY feeling almost back to my normal self. OK, as normal as I get. I plan on running in tomorrow morning and start my workouts. I am very excited about lifting weights. That has to be one of my FAVORITE things to do.

I am trying to figure out how this blog thing is going to work once I am at the fireworks stand. That will start on Wednesday and I will be there until the 10th of July. Joe will still be working during the day, so I am hoping that I will be able to continue writing and he will type in my blog. Having said that, please excuse any misspellings or sentences that don't make any sense.

I think I will go to the gym on my breaks from the stand so, I will have to run on a treadmill. I am not always good at this, because when I get tired of running, I just get off the treadmill. So this should be a HUGE lesson in perseverance.

Day 32 & 33: Whoa, I don't think anyone's ever died from this....

I didn't even write at all yesterday. I have not been this sick in several years. I'm just really thankful that it didn't happen on a week when there was alot of REAL stuff planned. I had originally planned to clean, paint and move furniture around while the boys were at Boy Scout Camp. That didn't happen.

I even thought I might run today, but cleaning the house is kicking my butt!! I might try to mow later, that way in case I pass out or die, it will at least be in my own front yard, and probably won't make the news...

But if it did....Ethan Forhetz would say "Community mourns beautiful woman who dies while mowing her lawn. Story at 10:00"...

Days 30 and 31: Too sick to run or write...

I woke up Tuesday night with what I thought was a toothache. I then realized that it was a sinus infection. I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I had a sinus and ear infection. This is the second one in a couple of months??? I was hoping to feel good enough to fun this morning, but I started and I had to turn around after about 100 yards because my head hurt so bad I couldn't stand it.

My goal is to run in the morning. I sure hope so - I hate feeling bad.

Day 29: A new coat

Today's run was great!! I ran the whole 1.5 miles AGAIN! I am feeling really good about this running thing. AND, yesterday I joined Fitness 19. I started remembering how much I enjoyed lifting weights in the past and thought "Why aren't I doing that now?" So, I joined and today was my first workout.

When I was running, I was thinking about how surprised I was that I was running the whole loop without stopping again. Maybe the two times I have done it already were some fluke. I have always thought that any success I have had was a fluke. I had convinced myself that anytime I perform at an optimum level, it was a mistake or once-in-a-lifetime thing. I've always had this thought that people would figure out I was a fraud and not as good as they think I am at whatever I'm doing. I spent 10 years in the Marine Corps certain that 'they' would figure out that I was not as good at my jobs as they thought. Why would I think this?

I think it comes from what I talked about yesterday. If I don't accept my past and myself as authentic - not bad, not good, but true and real - then I can't accept any success as authentic. It's funny though, because I accept failure as authentic. As long as I try to hide parts of my past or parts of me, then I live with the fear that I will be 'discovered'.

I think this fear is based in shame and guilt. When I feel shame over something that was done TO me, I accept some sort of responsibility for what happened and the shame originates from my thought that I should have done something to prevent or stop what happened. Then, I feel guilty. I also feel guilt over the things that I have done TO others. So, if I have forgiven the person/persons who did things TO me and asked forgiveness for the things I had done TO others, why do the shame and guilt remain?

I have thought about this alot recently. I think, and I'm just guessing, but once again, the shame and guilt have to do with how I feel about me. I have to realize that the shame I feel is fraudulent. It's not that it is not real, it is just unfounded now. I have forgiven the abuser, done the work to move forward and the only person I can continue to blame is myself. So, I do that by holding onto the shame I felt about what happened. It is the same with the guilt - God has forgiven me, and I have asked many of the people I hurt to forgive me, but I am holding onto the guilt.

I think part of this is because it requires me to look at myself differently. Imagine the shame and guilt were an ugly old coat with holes that didn't do a very good job of keeping me warm. Someone told me that if I give them the coat, they would then give me a new one that is nicer and warmer, but I have to give up the old one FIRST. But, what if they don't give me a new one? What if I don't like the new one? What if the new one feels different? I think that is what I do with my shame and guilt. It's hell - but it's MY hell. Who would I be without it? Maybe it's time to take the coat off....

Day 28: Worthiness

Well, this morning on my walk, I walked back by Wal-Mart to get a few things - and to also forget a few things. It was hot and rained a little.

Yesterday, our small group watched a DVD that talked about accepting one's past. Ir has really made me think about what that means exactly. Bad things happen to all of us. Parents and others do things, intentional or not, that hurt and change who we are. It is often said that some things, like abuse, change who we were meant to be. But, What if this is who I was SUPPOSED to be? What if bad things never happened to us? What kind of person would I be?

I have often struggled with the idea that God wasn't there for me when I most needed Him while I was being abused. But, if He intervened at every point when bad things could happen to me, would I learn anything? What would my life look like then? God has showed me how to take what happened, keep what makes me better, leave behind what is now useless, and make it a life worth living for Him AND me. Maybe it was always about me bringing glory to Him through the resurrection of my lives.

What does all of this babbling have to do with forgiveness?? Ironically, I had done the work of forgiving my primary abuser years ago in therapy, however, I had obviously not made forgiveness a way of life. Now that I am moving down 'the list', I find it is getting easier and easier to view events, people and feelings in a more objective way. I have been able to look back and find some value in events and people that initially seemed bad.

In order to accept my past, I have to find value in it, which means I have to find value in me. It has made such a huge difference to me to know that God finds value in me and can use me to His good in His world. Frankly, if I were counting on using me to reach the world, I would definitely have a back-up plan.

Day 27: What if...

I quit holding grudges
I forgave
I accepted myself the way I am
I accepted others for who they are
I lived every moment to its fullest
I refused to believe I am broken
I actually thanked God for who I am
I wrote what I believed and didn't get my feelings hurt
I was as kind to myself as I am to everyone else
I stopped judging others
I stopped judging myself
I stopped questioning everything I did
I quit trying so hard
I just am....

Day 26: This is hard......

WOW, was it hot, humid, long and the music on the radio sucked!! It is 70's Saturday, but really, what are the odds that on this miserably hot day every song that I hated would play one after another the entire run - except for some Aerosmith song that I didn't remember but did like. I ran further today than I have yet. It wasn't pretty and it didn't feel great, but I finished it.

Sometimes, God uses real-life situations to drive home a point. I run in shorts and old t-shirts. Some of these t-shirts are really big because I used to be alot bigger. When I was running today, the sleeves on my t-shirt were absolutely driving me crazy. They were so irritating. I'm not sure exactly what was different than before, but they were dripping with sweat and it seemed like they felt like sandpaper on my arms. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, except it was hot, humid, long and they kept playing music I didn't like. It was one annoying thing on top of another.

What does this have to do with forgiving? I think that I have realized that when it comes to forgiving my spouse, THAT is where the rubber hits the road. It is much like my irritating t-shirt - just one thing on top of another. And by the time everything has stacked up and I have melted down, there's no sorting it all out. And because I am brilliant (NOT), I usually just keep going until I have said something REALLY stupid. I don't know about anyone else, but I have found it easier to forgive my parents, my abuser and someone that cheated me out of money than I find it to forgive Joe. And he's the only person in my life who has stood up for me, fought for me, and loved me unconditionally. And yet, the annoying things stack up.

You're probably thinking that this has some real life connection. Yesterday, I had the meltdown to end all meltdowns. I feel horrible about it today, yet I am still having trouble forgiving Joe for what I perceive to be trespasses against me. So, when all else fails, go back to the beginning. "Today, I will forgive Joe and I will forgive me"....

Day Twenty-five: Rethink and adjust

OK, so I have been trying to post late every evening. That is not always working so well, because if I get in late, I forget to hit "Publish Post". So, I am going to start posting when I finish it, which is usually right after I run or walk or mow.

Yesterday (Thursday), Joe and I went to Callao, MO for a meeting with our fireworks guy. For those of you who don't know, or care, we have managed a fireworks stand for a couple of years and this year is no different. In reality, we live, eat and sleep fireworks for two and a half weeks. It is not so bad = it's kind of like working and camping for that time. It is VERY reminiscent of the weeks both of us spent doing active duty time when we were Marine Reservists.

Today I mowed instead of walking because it had to be done and it looked like it was going to rain. I was really mad at Joe and Joseph and I was astonished at how fast I could mow when truly angry.

One of the true tests of my forgiveness project came to fruition last night. Some things happened last year during fireworks that had left me angry and holding a grudge with someone who I work for. He was really close to the top of 'the list'. I had talked to him on the phone, but I had not seen him. The conversations on the phone went well, but I knew that I would REALLY know about whether or not I had truly forgiven him when I saw him. He walked up and I had no reaction at all. We shook hands and I knew that I had forgiven him and moved on.

I can say that I now know that I took the information that I learned about him from last year and can apply it to how I deal with him now. I FORGAVE him, but I did not forget that I need to be careful in my dealings with him. I am sorry that all of this is so vague, but I am never sure who will read this and I don't ever want to hurt someone or damage a relationship needlessly.

In the past, I would have just written him off and never had any dealings with him again. I now know that just because someone shows me who they really are, it doesn't mean I can't continue in a relationship - it just means I am careful.

I was proud to see that I had been able to move forward instead of holding the grudge. I am also able to see that every situation is just a fact-finding mission. I learn who people are, and make my decisions about their place in my life from that information. Some people are trustworthy and others are not. So, instead of being mad or not forgiving, I just take that information and adjust my own behavior.

I wish I had figured this out sooner...

Day Twenty-four:

I realized several things during my run this morning: morning is better than evening, 3 days in a row is harder than I thought it would be and I really need to eat better. I had not really put any thought into how and what I was eating. I was just eating without giving any real thought to how it would affect my body.

A long time ago, in the Marine Corps, I was a body builder. Everything I ate, did and thought was centered on me. But, I did learn how to treat my body as a machine - it would perform better if I fed it better. I also ran triathlons. Not that I was perfect. I would sometimes eat a bag of M&M's for lunch. But I did try to make sure I gave myself what it would take to train at my optimum.

I have not been doing this recently. Every morning, i have a protein drink for breakfast and then often a McDonald's Frappe. No lunch, some nuts here or there and then try to run. Sometimes, dinner is Andy's. That's like putting gas in the car and wondering why it's not running well. So, in addition to changing some other things, I am also going to start eating better.

Days Twenty-two and twenty-three: Oops, again

I'm not sure exactly what happened last night, but I completely forgot to write the blog. I have been substituting alot and it has thrown off my schedule. Work definitely gets in the way of my life. I had to run when I got off work about 5:00 and then I had band practice at church. I can't believe I just forgot. I look forward to writing it everyday just like talking to a friend.

Yesterday's run was good and I almost completed the entire run without walking. I was very proud.

Today's run was incredible. Not fast, not cool, but I ran the entire 1.5 miles. This is the first time. I can't believe that I have gone from not running at all to running the whole distance. I haven't been this proud since boot camp. I also have run two days in a row and I will run tomorrow as well. I feel that I am making good progress. I have made every attempt to not time myself or weigh myself. I don't want anything to get in the way of why I am really doing this - changing me on the inside.

I caught Oprah late last night and the children of the woman who was married to the guy who took Elizabeth Smart was on talking about their mother. I had seen it before but I had not noticed something. There were four children - 3 sisters and a brother. They talked about the abuse they had suffered at the hands of their mother, father and stepfather. One of the sisters had forgiven her mother and the other two had not. There was a noticeable difference in the physical countenance between the sister who had forgiven and the sisters who had not. There was a look of bitterness and rage on the faces of the other two sisters.

It was clear as I was watching this that the old adage was true - not forgiving REALLY is like drinking poison and hoping the offender will die. It was obvious on their faces and body language. And it was also strange that even as the sisters explained why they had so many reasons not to forgive, it clearly was not helping them feel any better.

By seeing this in such a prolific way, I hope that it can be a reminder to me that forgiveness is evident inside and out and refusal to forgive shows like a smile or frown.

Day Twenty-One: Three weeks in....

Today, I ended up having to try to get the walk in between rains. I got called to substitute teach at my old preschool so I was there at 6:30 and got finished at 3:00. So, as soon as I got changed, it started raining again. Then, when I started dinner, it stopped raining. After Joe and I ate, I started walking and then it rained on me the last 1/4 mile. Now, I look outside and it is sunny. Of course...

I decided to walk today so that I can try to run three days in a row on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I ran both Friday and Saturday, so I am going to try three days this week. I am also trying to treat running like I did in the Marine Corps. I ran everyday at lunch no matter what the weather was - rain, snow, sleet, heat. I was dedicated. I think I have even more to be dedicated to this time.

I have noticed that some days I backslide on the forgiving. It's like anything else I try to change about myself, I have to be diligent or it doesn't work. I absolutely have to say "Today, I am going to forgive" every morning when I wake up. I find I still get caught up in whether people deserve to be forgiven, or if I am right. Mostly, if I am right. I'd like to think I am always right - but that would not be true.

It seems that the closer people are to me, the harder it can be to live with an attitude of constant forgiveness. Especially when I'm right. Sometimes, when the person is someone who I have an intense relationship with, I feel like forgiving them is letting them off the hook. I'm not even talking about murder or running over the dog with the car. I'm talking about just not doing the dishes. How hard should that be to forgive? It would appear that I still have some work to do.....

Day Twenty: Ahhhhhhhhh Sunday

I stuck with my decision to keep the Sabbath as a day of rest. I hung out with Joe and watched movies. I went to the Wal-MArt and got a couple of things and then watched more movies. We had Wingstop for dinner.

I have to say , I have really enjoyed keeping the Sabbath quiet. I think I will keep it up. Hey, rest never hurt anyone.

Day Nineteen: A Pleasant Saturday Run

I ran two days in a row. This is the first time!! I'm so proud of myself!! I thought Saturday would be the perfect time because I would have Sunday to recover. I am getting closer and closer to connecting the whole circle of 1.5 miles.

I ran about 11:00 and it was much cooler than it is in the late afternoon. I am going to try to run in the mid-morning most days if I can.

I also tried today to not think too much while I was running. I tried to just enjoy it. This is pretty big since I have never really enjoyed running at all. All these years, I have just endured it. I am not saying I am going to love it, but if I am going to live every day in the moment, then I need to find pleasant aspects of everything I do. Today's pleasant aspect about running: it is empowering to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish something on a Saturday.

Day Eighteen: Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

I had to run later tonight than usual. I had to work until 6:30 and then go to Wal-Mart. This is the closest I've come to connecting the entire route of my 1.5 miles.

It would have been so easy to just not run tonight. I'm really thankful I have the blog to keep me accountable. It was late and I was tired and I really just wanted to collapse in the recliner with Andy's. I think there might be something in Andy's that makes you addicted. So, instead I ran and ate salad.

I was thinking about something odd while I was running. I have had some trouble with my hips in the last 10 years or so. When I was little, I wore corrective shoes. It seems that someone, somewhere decided how my feet should hit the ground and mine needed to be corrected. I wore them from the age of about 2 until about 11. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore because your feet should hit the ground like God intended them to. So, I have been working on just letting them hit the ground the way they are supposed to. But, it is hard when you have spent a lifetime thinking about how they hit and changing it. In fact, I'm still not sure how they would hit if I weren't thinking about it. Because now, instead of thinking about how to change them, I think about just letting them hit which means I spend an awful lot of time thinking about my feet.

I think the real problem was that someone in charge of me had a problem if I didn't walk like a 'lady' or how she determined a lady would walk. So, when my feet started to turn inward, I went to the doctor to change that. So, tonight I was trying to just let my feet hit like they want to. And wondering what difference how my feet hit the ground could possibly make in the big scheme of things. This person was very caught up in appearances and what other people think...sound familiar?

I have noticed that the forgiving has come much easier than I ever thought it would. Maybe I was wrong about who I thought I was. Maybe I had the potential all along to forgive and have mercy and compassion, but who I was told I was and my reaction to experiences is what I began to believe.

Just like how my feet hit the ground was not 'right' for someone else, some aspects of my personality were also not 'right' for someone, so things were said and done to try to change me. And so, for a long time, I have believed memories and incorrect information that have given me an incorrect picture of who I really am.

But now, I know who I really am. So, I am going to relax and just let my feet hit the ground and let me be me.

Day Seventeen: Where was I?

Today I walked. And walked and walked. It was 12:30 and it was hot! So, I walked and sweated and walked and sweated. And thought and walked and sweated.

Today, I felt like the real me for the 1st time in a very long time. It happened when I was dancing in my craft room.

Since I started running, I have purchased heels, worn sleeveless shirts, worn a skirt and made 2 more. I am not quite sure when this transformation happened. I had forgotten who I was. I can't really say that. I had not forgotten - I had just lost her.

Since I have lived here in the Midwest, I had hidden who I really was. I tried to be like everyone else - and the funny thing is - I didn't even like who everyone else was. In the middle of all of this, I became afraid to be who I really am. Then, I bought the first pair of cowboy boots. I think they were the first catalyst. They helped me decide that I didn't NEED to be like everyone else.

I have spent a lot of my life afraid. Not really afraid, just fearful. Fearful that people will figure out who I am and not like me. I made a list of why people should just bite me...it included spending 10 years as a Marine, being a military policeman, running 2 marathons, competing in 10 triathlons, serving in Desert Storm, being the only female in all male units, not once, twice but three times, being jumped by a guy who tried to rape me and I pulled his eye out and held him off until someone came, being bolder than the truck full of men who think they are going to hurt you. And yet, I am afraid people won't like how I dress, or they will question my sexual orientation or think I am not a good wife or not have an important job.

The great thing about all of this thinking that I've been doing while I am running/walking is that it has helped me find me. And I didn't really even know where I last saw me.

There is definitely a connection between the running, forgiving and finding me, I just have to figure out how it all works. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow while I'm running....

Day Sixteen: What a long day

Today, I worked 10 hours with children under 2 years of age in a building where the AC wasn't working. I'm not sure who was whining more - me or the children. It finally came back on at about 4:30 and I left at 5:30. I came home, changed clothes and ran.

Let's just say that this wasn't the best run I have ever had. I am connecting my running with less and less walking, but it was slow. The long day and working in the heat zapped my strength. But I kept going. And MAN, did I want to stop!!

I have started to move further down "the list". By starting with what I thought would be the hardest people, it has certainly put some perspective on the rest. Everything else is easier. If I can forgive those who hurt me on purpose, then letting go of the guy that cuts me off in traffic is easy.

Except for forgiving myself. That continues to be the hardest one yet. I am still trying to ask myself "Would I say something like that to someone else?" every time I think something mean about myself. I am really trying to treat myself with respect and love. It is unacceptable that I become my own abuser.

Since I have been able to start the forgiveness, it's as if I dropped off huge baggage and just left it somewhere. I have quit dragging it around and then dragging out all the hurt and re-living it remind myself why they didn't deserve to be forgiven.

That's how I know I have forgiven - I have stopped re-living the things that made me hurt and angry. I just don't NEED to go there anymore. Now, if I could just do that with the things I can't seem to forgive myself for...

Day Fifteen: Maybe I should stop whining...

Today's walk was great. A little hot, but still beats cold!! I walked further than I have before and it is mostly shaded so it was nice. I'm feeling stronger and stronger and look forward to when I will run everyday.

God is pretty funny, isn't He? Last night I got a call from one of the top two people on the forgiveness list. The weirdest part was what I DIDN'T feel. I didn't feel angry, resentful, bitter or annoyed. This was just a telephone call with someone I know. I think the forgiveness has given me the ability to see this person how God does - wounded. It doesn't change what they said or did, but I can see past that now. They hurt me just as I have hurt others. And I don't like to think about that part.

While I was walking today, I was thinking that my refusal to forgive was also leading me to expect behaviors from people who were totally incapable of performing those behaviors. All this time, I have been planting acorns and wanting a palm tree. No matter how mad I get at the tree, it's still an oak. And it's not the oak's fault. I didn't hurt these people originally, but I have lived with the results. It doesn't hurt any less, but I have a clearer view of the situation. Forgiving these people has allowed me to better understand where their pain has come from. When I think about all of this from a more objective point of view, I am able to show compassion and mercy for their pain and disappointment. And surprisingly enough, I have been able to not take things as personally.

This has also helped me to function more realistically. I no longer expect behaviors that will not come. Even with all the disappointments of not receiving what I needed from them, I still kept expecting it. Boy, that makes me sound crazy!?!? The best part is, Since I started forgiving, I have been able to see that God has been providing what I needed from other sources. I was so caught up in whining, I couldn't see the gifts I had been given.

New decision: stop whining!!